From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Former college cheerleader George W. Bush is making more worthless PR speeches on Iraq. Judging by the 10 letters-to-the-editor printed in the Maine Sunday Telegram a couple days ago, he's spittin' in the wind. A sample of our collective frustration from the 64 percent-disapproval state:
George W. Bush reminds me of Forrest Gump, except that Forrest Gump was honest and cared about other people!
It's time to put a stop to the insanity. Take this man out of office now--before it is too late. I would welcome any change at this point. Impeachment is the logical choice, as I, like others, have no confidence in his ability to lead.
His credibility is nada, zero, zilch.
This is the same Bush who "assured" us that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction practically on every street corner and missiles pointed directly at us.
All lies--and he knew they were lies, even as he stood there smirking. This man should have been impeached long ago.
We don't seem to have an acting president interested in our own troubles. Lots of countries are in disarray, and the president sends our boys over to die on their streets.
And our favorite:
When the United States was attacked at Pearl Harbor and war was declared by FDR with the consent of Congress, the country went into wartime mode immediately. It still amazes anyone who lived through those days how fast the factories retooled the plants to manufacture planes, ships and all war-related necessities on a 24-hour basis.
Now, faced with this "addiction to oil," we are told by our leader that we can solve this by using alternative energy by 2025.
If the United States took that much time back in 1941, we would have lost the war!
Gold star to Eileen from Ogunquit. How are the LTEs in your neck of the woods?
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Note: Today at work we plan to "censure" the boss and go bowling. (This better work, Feingold...)
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By the Numbers:
Days `til St. Patrick's Day: 3
Days `til the Yearly Kos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 86
Average amount spent each month on the Iraq war: $5.9 billion
(Source: Wall Street Journal)
Number of Americans with urinary incontinence: 14 million
(Source: Parade magazine)
Number of Americans who went into "urinary incontinental shock" when they realized there were no WMDs in Iraq: 9 million
Number of Uncle Milton Ant Farms sold in 50 years: Over 20 million
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Vee vill invade Purina! Und vee vill invade Iams! Und vee vill invade Alpo! Und zen...zuh Vorld!!! But first...vee go poopies!"
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CHEERS to sudden departures. Interior Secretary Gale "Crude Oil Does Wonders For My Complexion" Norton---under a bit of an Abramoff-related cloud---has ended her five-year crusade to rid the world of plants and animals. But I suspect the environment won't be unclenching its toes anytime soon---we hear her replacement is P.C.B. "Buzzsaw" McMercury.
JEERS to homeland buffoonery. In the Zacarias "Lenny" Moussaoui case, the instructions to the prosecution were simple: Don't coach the witnesses. Don't coach the witnesses. Don't coach the witnesses. So what do they do? They coached the witnesses!! Everything...they...touch...
CHEERS to fine `Gold. Thoroughly flummoxing the beltway crowd, Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold calls for a censure of President Bush for spying on innocent Americans without a warrant:
"It's a big step, but what the president did by consciously and intentionally violating the Constitution and laws of this country with this illegal wiretapping has to be answered.
There can be debate about whether the law should be changed. There can be debate about how best to fight terrorism. We all believe that there should be wiretapping in appropriate cases---but the idea that the president can just make up a law, in violation of his oath of office, has to be answered."
See, that's why he's a senator and I'm not. I would've just walked up to the White House gate and dropped my pants.
JEERS to worthless gestures. At the Southern Republican Lockstep Conference, Bill Frist won the straw poll and then proceeded to give one of the most awkwardly-delivered speeches in the history of American politics. Oh please oh please oh please let him be their nominee.
CHEERS and JEERS to a woman really scorned. Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Daaaay-O Connor grabs Bush by the ear and tells him to stop this dictator nonsense now:
"I, said O'Connor, am against judicial reforms driven by nakedly partisan reasoning. Pointing to the experiences of developing countries and former communist countries where interference with an independent judiciary has allowed dictatorship to flourish, O'Connor said we must be ever-vigilant against those who would strong-arm the judiciary into adopting their preferred policies. It takes a lot of degeneration before a country falls into dictatorship, she said, but we should avoid these ends by avoiding these beginnings."
She added: "And I think that Stalin fella's up to no good, too, and we should watch him carefully." A master of timing.
CHEERS to swirlie-proof nerds. Happy 127th birthday, Albert Einstein! His brain worked at a level we can't even imagine, but his sense of humor leads us to believe he would've been right at home amongst our fart jokes. Right, Al??
CHEERS to President Bush. Gotta give him credit for landing this left to his boss's jaw at the annual Gridiron Dinner Saturday night:
By the way, when Dick first heard my approval rating was 38 percent, he said, "What's your secret?"
We now return you to our regularly scheduled pummeling. Bush eats babies.
JEERS to the wheels of international justice...and how slow they turn. Former Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic was found dead in his cell over the weekend. Early reports say he died of natural causes. Now there are rumors he may have poisoned himself. But C&J's video autopsy concludes that, after five years in captivity, he suffered from an acute deficiency of vitamin Evil.
P.S. If you had tickets to see his public hanging, sorry folks...no refunds.
JEERS to low blows. The National Republican Senatorial Committee created a web site called Fancy Ford, mocking and stereotyping Senate candidate Harold Ford of Tennessee. The Democratic Senatorial Campaign fired back with a site of their own called Fancy Frist. Meanwhile, not wanting to be left out, the Green Party went live with Fancy Fronds. This could get ugly.
CHEERS to central casting. We've always thought former counterterrorism advisor Richard Clarke's bestseller Against All Enemies would make a great movie. The director of the Academy Award-winning Crash apparently agrees. Now...who to cast as Clarke? We vote for James Gandolfini. If he's done bleeding on the kitchen floor, that is.
JEERS to games children play. Molly Ivins is watching how Donald Rumsfeld and Co. try to portray the press as nattering nabobs of negativism in Iraq. And she's keeping score:
Could I suggest something kind of grown-up? Despite Rumsfeld's rationalizing, we are in a deep pile of poop here, and we're best likely to come out of it OK by pulling together. So could we stop this cheap old McCarthyite trick of pretending that correspondents who are in fact risking their lives and doing their best to bring the rest of us accurate information are somehow disloyal or connected to al-Qaida?
Wrong, yes, of course they could be wrong. But there is now a three-year record of who has been right about what is happening in Iraq, Rumsfeld or the media. And the score is: Press---1,095, Rumsfeld---zero.
1,096. Not that we're counting.
CHEERS to "Q." No, not James Bond's gadget guy, silly. Quincy Jones turns 73 today. Our favorite Q-tune is his junk-blues theme for `Sanford and Son.' But for sheer mojo, no iPod should be devoid of Soul Bossa Nova. Groovy, baby!
JEERS to delayed reactions. Isaac Hayes, who turned South Park's character Jerome "Chef" McElroy into a cultural icon, says he's taking his chocolate salty balls and going home. Reason: he finally noticed after 10 years that the show was crude. In other news, Isaac Hayes accepts position as White House's new global warming tsar.
CHEERS to seeing things in black and white. A 2005 movie nominated for 6 Oscars, directed by George Clooney, and chronicling the battle between newsman Edward R. Murrow and Wisconsin Senator Joseph McCarthy is out on DVD today, just in time to add an exclamation point to Wisconsin Senator Feingold's censure motion:
"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it."
Rent it today. It's called Good Night and... How does that go again? Oh yeah, ...And Don't Forget To Duck.
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One Year Ago in C&J: March 14, 2005...
CHEERS to Pink Lungs, Fat Wallet. An economist at Ohio State University has concluded that non-smokers have a net worth that is 50% higher than those of light smokers, and 100% higher than people who smoke more than a pack a day. So keep on quittin', Kossacks...there's gold in them thar withdrawal symptoms.
JEERS to shameless pandering. Time magazine's cover story goes cuckoo for Christianity...again. This time they're saying Mary should be considered Jesus' first disciple because they were so down with each other. That's hogwash. I don't care who you are, no boy wants his mom hanging around his tree house when he's drinkin' with his friends.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Bubba's sticky souvenir. U.S. News & World Report says that the Clinton Library gift shop's "I miss Bill" bumper stickers are selling like crazy. The first run of 500 sold out in 72 hours. Conversely, when President Bush's li'bary opens, the first run of 72 "I miss Dubya" stickers will be expected to sell out in 500. Years.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"What are ya benching, buff guy?"
President Bush