This is Simon Pericles the 10th, of the BBC, reporting to you here live from sunny Moulitsas Downs, where we're about to witness the Seventh Biannual Running of the Trolls. This ancient and beautiful Democratic Internets tradition has its roots in the flagellation of the Democrats after their stunning congressional losses in 1994. You'll remember that the Democratic party was then beset by concern trolling Beltway pundits and "strategists" advising the Democrats to be more like Republicans, try a "third way," piddle on everyone else, and just basically offering advice best described as "clown shoes."
Thus the tradition was established, and win or lose, the Democratic Party has proudly continued the Biannual Democratic Running of the Trolls to offer self-aggrandizement and bloody awful self-destructive ideas after each election.
Ah, here's a fine specimen! One of the newer breeds running this year is a Progressive Purity Troll. Mr. Purity Troll, my I call you Purity? Great great. Congratulations on your recent electoral victories. Now, let's discuss how you plan on botching it for everyone: how do you expect to enforce your monocratic single-issue policy focus on an administration that has promised to be bi-partisan and has what is probably the single largest load of wars, economic crises and other sundry difficulties ahead of it? Ah, I see. You expect to post lots of comments on the Internets and throw the occasional narcissistic temper-tantrum in diary form. I see. Thank you Mr. Purity, you're beautiful. Really a peach. I'm sure your fellow Democrats look forward to hearing from you.
Now, back here we have a classic Racist Troll. Oh my, look at this incredible sociopath! All stinking of unwashed human crevasses and Frito-Lay products! My, you are an AMAZING specimen! Will you continue to broadly troll against all brown races, or do you plan to focus on Black America in keeping with your new President? I'm sorry, the new President of the United States, I certainly didn't mean to offen . . . I'm sorry, I can't use that word in broadcast sir, not even on BBC. Sir, please, PLEASE do not bite the cameraman. He's just an Italian, for heaven's sake!
Well--moving right along--we have an older troll here, but still a fine example of the DC Cocktail Circuit Concern Troll! He seems a bit too old to compete here, but, yes, yes indeed, oh my yes this is a special treat! It's the Dean of Washington Pundits. Mr. Broder! How have you been? It seems like just last Friday you and I were sipping martinis and discussing how the world would be a better place if Obama could be more like John McCain! Why, as a matter of fact it was just last Friday! So, how do you expect to concern-troll President Obama now that's he's upended your belief that appealing to the middle means acting just like a conservative? You don't expect to change? Oh, I see, you remain committed to leading the Washington Post editorial page further down the path of obscurity! Well, good for you! Good for you indeed sir! See you at Krauthammer's next poetry reading!
Now, we rarely get female participants in this competition, but this middle-aged uninformed voter is also a PUMA Troll! Ms. PUMA, how do you expect to compete this year? Ah! Yes, Texas Caucuses were stolen, I see! And how do you feel about the budding Obama Administration's choice of Rahm Emanuel, a former Clinton adviser? Er, "Nobama?" What . . . oh, that's a play on words, I see . . . and Rahm . . . Ah, Rahm Emanuel is a traitor and dead to you. Very very good! We'll be seeing more of you in years to come, maybe.
Ah, and now a gorgeous example of the classic Conservative Pundit Troll. Now, this is another older troll, but with his party at an electoral and intellectual dead-end, this could prove interesting. Mr. Conservative, what do you see as the future of the Conservative Movement? Really? Obama ran as a conservative? Didn't you say he was a socialist last week? Ok, and didn't you imply that he palled around with terrorists the week before? Ok, you have me there! Shamelessly denying your associations is indeed a tenet of modern conservatism! BRILLIANT! Your hypocrisy is AMAZING, simply STUNNING! Well, don't forget some trail-mix and a compass, you'll need it out there in the wilderness!
Oh, now here's an unexpected entry: we so rarely see the Antisemitic Troll by light of day. Let's see if he'll skitter away back into the shadows, or if he'll actually give me a quote. Sir! Mr. Antisemite, do you have anything to . . . yes, of course, "Death to Zionists," but do you have anything substant . . . ah, Rahm Emanuel is indeed a Jew. You have me there! Well, there you have it folks, the Antisemitic Troll shows incredible agility, turning rapidly from saying Obama would destroy Israel to saying that Obama is a zionist stooge! What an amazingly dextrous view of reality! And such strong calves, he's sure to be a lead contender in this year's 7th Biannual Running of the Trolls!
Well, before we go, let's carefully approach the Hardcore Wingnut Trolls. We must be cautious: when disturbed they are known to inflict injuries on themselves and then blame non-existent liberal attackers. Ok, here we go (camera, stay close for this one) . . . Wingnut Troll, I'd really like to ask you some questions. Great! Yes, I understand completely that conservatism didn't fail, but rather John McCain fai . . . and yes, yes a "center-right nation," . . . immigratio . . . if I could . . . yes . . . Black Panthers in Pennsylvania, you don't say . . . Sarah Palin 2012 . . . Wonderful! Yes, we're running out of time . . . indeed . . . yes, well we really must pop off . . . Well, he's gone. There's a great deal of misdirected aggression there, and if he can just stay on the track and avoid the lure of a nearbye 32 oz. Mountain Dew container, that'll help him very much in this competition.
Well, THERE YOU HAVE IT! The 7th Biannual Democratic Running of the Trolls! Isn't this EXCITING? All of these marvelous specimens, all coming together to proudly proclaim their ignorance, give terrible un-asked for advice, and then leave behind a HUGE PILE OF HORSESHIT!
Because if you have something important to say, say it with snark!
Thanks for reading,