As per usual, my generation voted center right. We are Reagan babies. We are that weird blip in the graph that voted more R than D in 1984. I really dislike the tiny group I identify with. I was born in 1968 and voted for the first time in 1986. I voted for a Republican governor and thought I was a patriot. Fortunately, my "side" lost. And sometime in around 1987 I saw that Reagan had lied to me, felt angry, and turned into a life long Democrat (voting straight ticket since 1988). Anyway, this is just a quick mental diary to share with others to make myself feel better. I am feeling little happiness and want to share why with the community in the hope that others who feel what I am feeling can share. Everyone around us is feeling so much joy and crying tears (except about Prop 8, yes I am aware). But I am curious if I am the only one who is just numb. Please share if you feel the same (see below the fold)...
So I am here to share my feelings and having a cathartic moment with my peers. Consider this an open group therapy thread. If you understand what I am feeling, please share it with me. I am feeling like an outsider looking in at a party where I was invited but don't feel like going inside because I am simply too sad and tired to enjoy myself.
Well, here goes. I have to say, as a baby of the 60s I am proud of Obama being of my age group. We finally done good. Some of us anyway. For those of you who are curious what it feels like being one of us, I have to say I feel a bit numb. I never felt life in the age of Aquarius. Like Obama, I was a little kid when people were protesting the Viet Nam war. We lived our entire life in a period of Repub ascent and being told we were naive if we ever held out any hope for the future. I got so used to watching the USA crumble around me, being told to go live in Russia if I didn't love Jesus, and watching hateful people in power, that I survived by being numb. Life to me in the US has been an out of body experience for my entire adult life. I keep hearing about people who cried or were elated after the election. I just felt some release of bitterness but stayed numb. Strangely, the one person I related to was Obama. His victory speech was in total contrast to the crowd around him. He was dead serious and seemed more relieved than happy. He looked like a man who just got the shittiest job on earth and who had to fix the place before it crumbled down around him. He had a get to work attitude. That is frankly all I feel as well. No joy in this for me. Not because of Prop 8 (although that sucked) or loss of a senate seat or 2. But because I feel we didn't win anything. We stopped the losing more than anything. This was killing a rabid dog. My whole life has been being Cassandra and watching all the horrible things I could see happening around me coming true while I could do nothing to stop them. Well, now we stopped them from getting worse. It took 20 years too long, but it finally stopped. I can't say I have felt any pleasure in this "win". I am actually a little sad we let it go on until the world was perhaps beyond repair. Yes, all these things people are cheering about are true. But they were so obvious to the minority of us and needed to be done so long ago all I can do is take a breath. Now we can start. Anyway, not much of a diary more than just a look from the vantage point of a very small group. We're not boomers and never understood all the hate. We're not Gen O'rs with all the hope http://www.nytimes.com/... We had to live the long nightmare. We have the hard work to do. We have to clean up the mess others made. And I have been downtrodden and "unpatriotic" for so long I simply am not happy. I am grateful and maybe optimistic. But not joyful.
Just so you know, I live now for my students and my kids. At 40, I feel I can make a difference in their lives but feel that mine was overlooked and wasted by selfish people who controlled the government and the media for far too long. I am too bitter and numb to live for myself. I have to find joy vicariously through those I help. And I am proud of the younger folks who don't view the world through the hate filled eyes of their parents. Gen O'rs get to live in the multiracial, more tolerant world we hopefully get to live in now. They seem to not even understand all the hate they brainwashed into us in the 60s & 70s. Words appear to matter and the fact that we were the "P.C. police" in the 80s, these kids didn't grow up hearing the nasty words that formed our brains in our childhood. Hell, my son is 5 years old and he can't even form a racist thought because he is unaware that skin color makes you different. He has only known a world with bi-racial couples and gay couples and people from different religions and tolerance. I hope that there is still an ozone layer and eco system for him because he will grow up in a happier place if there is a place for him to grow up.
Anyway, this isn't a pity diary. I am honestly not looking for any. I am actually looking to see if anyone else out there feels this way and find comfort in company. For anyone not feeling this way, please feel free to ignore this sad little story from a minority view. Or use this as a source for a richer view of how some folks are feeling.
If you do find that you have been feeling this way too, I thought some of you might share and we can make each other feel a little comfort in sharing our stories. If indeed I am the only one feeling this way, at the very least just humor me. I want just to dump this in public so I can purge it and stop feeling like a freak for not being smiley at all our "wins".
Thanks all,
GMR