Today is December 6th, in the Year of our Lord 2008. Our precocious Lord is 14,000,002,008 years old, according to scientists and Sunny von Bülow, who, after passing this morning following a thirty year insulin-induced coma, conferred with researchers at MIT's Center for Emotive Newly Transmogrified Spirits (Utilities Magnates Division) via text séance, imparted three very specific demands from The Way, the Truth, the Light, our Lord, lest we wish to be saddle-backed by three Supreme Court Justices unwilling to relinquish their positions until the next Republican administration. The three demands, as reported by the New York Times today, are as follows:
Firstly, that all Propositions and Measures, Californian or otherwise, relating to civil rights matters and seeking promulgation, be subjected to a mandatory review by an outside source, preferably an economically disadvantaged Asian-Latina-American Transsexual dwarf, prior to their confirmation as ballot initiatives; and that the nomenclature 'Proposition' be changed to 'Invention of Common Lunacy.'
Secondly, that Irony not be spoken of in such fortifying abstract terms as an expression powerless in its defense, an Absolute, like 'evil' or 'pugnacious.' The Holy Wonder has furthermore instructed the term be used sparingly, relegated for official use only within the blogosphere, at loathsome parties where Masters Degree graduates represent the total attendee population in excess of 63.5%, and on cable television comedy programs specializing in political affairs. The word should never be used in either poetry or popular song lyrics. It is still unclear whether or not this commandment should be taken seriously, as the duplicitous and often humorous nature of Hosanna is well documented (eg, the platypus, the BCS, body sushi).
Lastly, that we recognize with a Federal Holiday the ratification of the Thirteenth Amendment, banning slavery. To inflate or deflate history like a balloon for one day of remembrance may seem to some an inadequate response to the serious nature of the grievance, but one must remember that a human century passes but in the blink of an eye for our Supreme Being, with one Omniscient blink equal to 5,259,499 human blinks in standard time, or one continuous ‘day’ of observance lasting roughly 1.44 million years.** The Creator’s point being, to ignore the trials of history, its elevating moments as well as its transgressions, is to reject any idea of progress. And we must have a constant reminder or forfeit the teachings of experience. December 6 will also celebrate the life of slave-cum-abolitionist-cum-Union-spy Harriet Tubman, who was freed on this date, and also celebrate the passing of Jefferson Davis, the treasonous and malarial King White Robe of the Confederacy, who died ‘a complete and total asshat,’ as reported in Harper’s Weekly in May of 1865.
Insiders say this is only the beginning of a strong initiative by our somewhat shy but flood-happy Benefactor to revitalize and revamp our social and political spheres. Others view this as a simple nudge in the right direction, a quick transition or update, the Watch Maker going digital.
As a journalist I must tell you I believe this reportage to be a deliberate hoax, no doubt propagated by an enthusiastic group of Leftists empowered by the decisive win of President-Elect Barack Obama over his adversaries. But there are lessons to be gleaned from this hare-brained but good-natured scheme. The American Way of Life is based on contradictions; diversity is our strength; and unity is as important to the coagulation of our dynamic and separate values as rebellion.
I hope to be dear reader a reliable guide through these times of insanity, not merely as a witness but as a provocateur, for we’ve all got our parts to play. Some of us are the beast masters, some of us are the bears. Some the whips. Others of us stand within the circus tent, hand over heart, sweating profusely, wondering, What the hell is going on here? This isn’t a traditional zeppola! Whose idea was it to give these elephants toenails? Do they actually grow beyond that stumpy foot? Do they click like dogs when crossing a wood floor? Who’s in charge here? How did we get ourselves into this mess?
You can rely on me, fellow patriots, to bring to my job each day a pair of enormous clippers.
**We have it from a reliable source that human and Everlasting blinks last the same duration in real-time; the distinction in perception or ‘actual passing time’ lies within the realm of Relativity, and is complicated by a variance between simultaneous and linear experience. Using an average two fifths of a second per blink, with an average of 10 blinks per minute, and the roughly 31.557 million seconds per average topical year (given the weird and unruly wobble of the earth) and so 365.243 days in such a year, experts at the Times calculated a number to a solve a problem they’d forgotten the reason for, and succumbed en masse to torturous migraines and so gave up, reporting that it was too difficult, wholly unverifiable and besides the point. “I believe we discovered the actual age of God, which is around 9722 years old, in God years, or 14 billion human years, using the blink-to-blink ratio, which I believe might have been the long route,” Columnist Dick van Poppell responded to my question via email, “But then someone had microwaved a shitload of popcorn in the break room and when we came back, we were like, whoa, what’s with all these numbers? It’s like our brains had been zapped. Such is the divine mystery.”***
***This reporter’s attempt to verify these numbers ended with an argument with a female friend over "carrying the zero," followed by a drunken bout of self-loathing at the Hyatt in La Jolla, San Diego. Such is the divine mystery.