MEMO
To: Harry Reid
From: GOP
Re: Thanks!
Hey, Harry, just wanted to drop you a quick note of thanks for your work so far on this auto bailout thingamajig. We know it's a tough time of year, and wanted to acknowledge that your foresight and planning have not gone unnoticed over on this side of the aisle.
First off, we really appreciate it that you didn't take some advice from your more aggressive colleagues and attach a politically minded name to this bill, like the "Save American Jobs 2008" bill, or the "Protect America's Military Capacity 2008" bill (more on that later), or anything like that. Frankly, the media just loves those names, and once the public starts thinking about it in those terms, we're really sunk. We've been pushing this "bailout" language for quite a while, and honestly we were beginning to worry that it was getting stale, so God knows it was a big help to see you and your colleagues adopt the "bailout" word as well.
Second, given that the anniversary of Pearl Harbor was only a few days ago, we wanted to send our thanks that you didn't bother mounting a big PR push, noting that it was the auto industry that helped out so mightily back in WWII. It would have been mighty embarrassing for our side had you thought to trot out some old WWII vets who were also UAW workers, and had them talk about the importance of our industrial infrastructure when our backs were up against it in the 1940s. And connecting it to our current military efforts overseas, yow, that would have been a hot mess. (Not to mention the whole connection to the Depression, and...woah! Gets me sick just thinking about having to follow a presser like that. Thanks, buddy.)
Third, and this is kinda big, we can't thank you enough for not scheduling any photo opportunities featuring the families of these auto workers! Man, that would have sucked! Can you imagine that? (Hold on, obviously you can't, but we can, and we were stressed about it!) I mean, think of that scene! You get a bunch of women and kids up there, and the kids start talking about medical problems they've got, and how they're going to lose their health care, and blah blah blah, and that shit goes sideways in a hurry! Jesus! So much easier for us to talk about overpaid union jobs and not have to focus on the human angle here. Holy cow, that would have been messy. I tell you, I hear these stories about some of these kids with diabetes, or cystic fibrosis, and hearing about those kids losing their health care is a pretty tough pill to swallow at this time of the year. You could have made us look like a bunch of grinches up there!
Anyway, there's tons more I could say--like how you haven't forced us to get up there on the floor and make complete jackasses of ourselves by actually holding an actual filibuster--but mostly we just wanted to make sure that with all the hell coming down on you from the left that you're aware that you've got some supporters out there. This isn't easy for any of us, and we want to make sure you feel the love.
And, while we're on the subject, a bunch of us have some fundraising events back in our home states in the next few weeks, so if you could avoid any more votes, or just kind of take our word for it that we'll filibuster this thing without calling us on it, we'd be really grateful.
And don't forget, our weekly poker game is next week, right? I know you've lost 25 weeks in a row, but I'm sure your luck will turn around one of these days. We'd all be heartbroken if you stopped playing--it's almost like you're TRYING to let us win sometimes, ha ha!
Keep your chin up, buddy!
Love,
GOP