Now look at them yo-yos - that’s the way you do it,
You play prophet on the moron tv.
Workin' aint workin’ - that’s the way you do it,
Money for nothin’ and your checks are free.
Money for nothin’ and a toaster for free!
Money for nothin’ WILL SET- YOU- FREE!
Okay - end of musical spoof, so read on...
It gets better - promise.
But first, a quick review of our moral, financial and elected leadership.
Who are these men who guide our lives and determine our futures?
The Mega-Preachers
Warren, Hagee,
Parsley,
Muthee.
Wright, Robertson,
Falwell…
Snake oil hucksters in robes.
Why not genuflect to the Popeil Pocket Peeler?
At least it has some honest and practical purpose in our lives.
The Mega-Paper Pushers
Paulson, Bernanke, Rubin, Greenspan, Summers, Geithner, Cox…
The same Snake oil salesmen, but wrapped in bad paper.
Why not put your hard-earned money directly in your simmering fireplace?
At least it will keep you warm for a few extra minutes.
Then there's...
The Mega-Robber Barons
Lay, Ebbers, Kozlowski, Rigas, Keating, Madoff...
0r
The Mega-Political Whores
Blagojevitch, Stevens, Cunningham, Jefferson, Ney, Abramhoff...
Well, you get the idea.
The list goes on and on… and on.
Q: What do all of these men have in common?
A: Total strangers hand them money with no questions asked.
At this point, it may be a case of buy high – sell low,
But I want in! NOW.
So here's the REAL DEAL!
I’m starting my own bubble industry (and franchises will be available soon).
*My IPO will be called:
“Fun-gible Universal.”
(Future Stock symbol: FU)
What makes my enterprise different is that I won’t rob you blind – only in broad daylight.
I will offer the gullible public a cheaper and better product – the two necessary cornerstones of any successful enterprise.
In other words, I promise to steal less and do it greener.
Additionally, there are no unhidden fees and zero guarantee of ever seeing your money again. You’ll have the comfort and security of knowing up front that your money will never come back and lure you into future ponzi schemes. I'll also be offering moral advice through a series of in-depth and personally written fortune cookies.
How can I promise all this?
The answer is with Zero Overhead and two very enormous cajones.
Here’s how it works:
If you’re now paying say… Rick Warren a couple of big ones a year as regular payment toward your Salvation, I’ll only charge you a flat thousand for the same service – and if you act NOW you’ll receive a glow-in-the-dark Jesus keychain.
Or say Bernie Madoff (as in “Made-Off”) calls and wants you to invest 2K in a make-believe off-shore oil well.
Call me, first! I’ll take your two grand and invest it in a make-believe oil well right here in the US of A.
Plus, you won’t be paying those hefty overseas FedEx charges to Switzerland.
Maybe Paulson calls and wants you to buy his worthless Treasury bonds.
Again, Call Me First. My bonds are not dispensed on flimsy paper. My bonds are invisible, virtually theft-proof and guaranteed to hold their value - even during a Depression.
And finally, any investment of one dollar or more guarantees you a beautifully worded note of thanks containing an authentically replicated likeness of my signature on a custom 3x5 card.
To receive this bonus, mail just one dollar, care of me, to a PO Box yet to be determined.
My promise to you?
For every dollar I receive, not a dime will be donated to the charity of your choice. And remember – that dollar you piss away may be *tax deductible.
**This offer is pending approval through the ever-vigilant SEC, so please wait about 3 minutes before applying.
*For more tax information call your accountant at Arthur Andersen.