Each year I write a satirical Christmas email to some of my friends. I have been encouraged (goaded) into publishing last years' by some of these sick-minded people who enjoy my satire.
Please be forewarned: this is in questionable taste, though it does address some very real consequences of global trade policies. If you read closely enough and remember last year's news, you'll see very real stories bundled into this satire. This is not for children or the easily offended.
It is not my intention to offend, however I feel rather free to lampoon the Santa Myth here given what I have seen written today about Christians by a couple of diarists. (This is not meant as a reaction to these diaries.)
All material is original, all quotes pure invention.
This happens to be my first diary. I hope it is not my last. Read beneath the fold for some satire, and Happy Holidays.
NOTE: this diary has been edited to remove some of the more tasteless material.
Santa Arrested in Iceland
Slave Labor Charges pending; Labor and Prostitution Ring "A Family Affair", Wife and Children implicated in Heinous Conspiracy
December 24, 2008
Those of us waiting for St. Nick to shimmy down our chimneys on Christmas Eve may be hoping in vain: acting on an anonymous tip, Icelandic authorities arrested St. Nicholas today during a refueling stop at Akureyri airport, where his private jet landed en route to the North Pole after his little-publicized trip to Southeast Asia. It is believed that Santa was visiting his slave-labor sweatshops in Southern China, Viet Nam, Cambodia and Thailand. He was taken into custody without incident and is being held without bond. It is expected that Santa will be transferred to the Icelandic capital city Reykjavik tomorrow to be arraigned on charges of exploiting slave labor, tax evasion and intellectual property theft, according to Vigdis Valsdottir, spokesperson for Reykjavik Attorney General Helgi Nilsson.
Computer discs and documents found in Santa's possession by customs authorities at the time of his arrest implicate Mr. St. Nicholas in serious crimes, officials say. Santa's laptop and BlackBerry were also seized as evidence, along with several hundred bootleg copies of "Elf" and "The Santa Clause II" which authorities believe were acquired by Mr. St. Nicholas during a visit to North Korea.
Icelandic authorities paint a grim picture of the charges against the ancient Saint. Speaking in Reykjavik, the Attorney General's spokesperson offered this view on Santa's arrest:
"Interpol, in collaboration with U.S., EU and Russian intelligence services have been watching Santa for some time" said Valsdottir. "It has been widely known for many years now that Mr. St. Nicholas has taken advantage of free-trade agreements to outsource toymaking to brutal third-world regimes who offer cheap slave labor. At the same time, he has used his companies abroad to bolster his profits through a network of black-market vendors", Valsdottir explained. Attorney General Nilsson could not be reached for comment.
A FAMILY AFFAIR
While Mrs. St. Nicholas was not traveling with her husband at the time, Icelandic authorities say that there is enough evidence of her participation in the slave labor ring to apply for a writ of extradition to Iceland, although it is possible that an attempt may be made to try both Santa and his wife for crimes against humanity in the World Court at the Hague. Sigurdun Haraldsson, attorney for ClausCo- Iceland, Ltd. feels confident that Mrs. St. Nicholas will remain at the North Pole for the foreseeable future. "While the evidence against Santa seems to be damaging, I feel very strongly that we can keep his wife out of the fray". "Dancing at the pole", Haraldsson added, "would not be in Mrs. St. Nicholas' best interest.
The implication of Mrs. St. Nicholas and the couple's son, Rudolfus Russoprobiscus St. Nicholas, is not far fetched according to Vatican spokesman Bernard Cardinal Law, formerly Archbishop of Boston. "Rumors about Santa and his family are well known to the church and to many law enforcement agencies across the globe. The Toronto Globe and Mail exposed the Nicholas family as being engaged in slave labor and worse as early as 1982. Santa narrowly escaped conviction on charges of racketeering in Pocatello, Idaho in the early 90's on a technicality. Really, if he's innocent, he should hire a better public relations firm. I hear Carl Rove is in the market" said Law. Pope Benedict was not available for comment as he was undertaking a last-minute trip to Austria yesterday to visit with the Austrian Association of SS Veterans' Widows and to address the World Congress of Axis Powers Veterans Against Peace.
AFRICAN LEADERS OFFER SUPPORT
Not everyone in the ecclesiastical community is so quick to condemn Santa, however. Speaking under condition of anonymity, a high official of the Anglican Church of Nigeria offered the following support: "There is no way that Father Christmas is involved in the heinous crimes with which he is charged. Father Christmas is a good Christian, who hates Communists and Gays. I expect that I will invite him here to Nigeria to preach on his feast day, and we will vindicate him". As to Santa's proclivity for secretiveness and stealth in his business dealings as well as in his charitable giving, the official continued "Santa has never slid down anyone's chimney, not even the Bishop of New Hampshire's. He does not give in secret. He follows the Gospel, giving loudly and with great fanfare, wearing a garish fur-lined red velvet cope and speaking truth to the morally corrupt." Clarifying his objection to the sweatshop charges, the official added "Such things do not exist in Africa. They do not exist in the North Pole. Santa is as white as snow. He is innocent".
PRESIDENT BUSH WEIGHS IN
President Bush, unaware of this incident until Condolezza Rice made him aware of the developments in the context of an early morning phone call about private matters, held a press conference today. When asked if he knew about the charges against Mr. St. Nicholas President Bush was careful to take three or four minutes of silence before answering: "Santa. Uh.....huhh...Santa. We like Jews. We like Israel. We like Hanukkah. We like presents, especially if they come from Neiman Marcus. You see, the difference between the Jews and the Christians on the issue of Santa is, the Jews don't have Santa. They have Mr. Hankey. So, I don't know what Santa did or didn't do, but if he's in Iceland--and I mean if he went there on purpose--they will deal with him just like any other terrorist. You see, a Terrorist is anyone who comes down anyone's chimney without an invitation from Charles Dickens. And--uh--duh--there is no snow at Guantanamo bay. It'll be a holiday for Santa and his Communist-Alqaida agenda. And for the Jews. Or for the Catholics. Whoever. Ok, next question?"......