For awhile now, people have been offering ideas for how to make our economy better, and as things have gotten worse recently, how to prevent a catastrophically cataclysmic catastrophe. Smart and dumb, young and old, male and female, straight and gay, Christian and Jew, all and more have thrown their ideas into the ring.
And yet, for all the good ideas out there, our leaders in Washington don't seem particularly interested. You see, there's a fundamental flaw in the suggestions, a perfectly reasonable misunderstanding that once recognized is easily addressed.
Here's the key mistake. The suggestions getting ignored are the ones designed to help the country. You know, make our economy stronger, help people keep their homes, make life easier, etc.
That's way too altruistic for our government. It doesn't compute. It's like a beauty pageant contestant wishing for world peace. Right, like she's not really wishing her competitors will trip over their shoes. But enough of nameless female objects. This is about me.
I'm not going to make that mistake any more. This year for Christmas, I'm not going to ask for world peace, or for transparent decision-making, or for accountable leaders. Nope. I don't even remember how to spell deafissit.
I'm just here for the cash. Specifically, here's my plan. Forget EESA, the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. This is EMSA, the Emergency Me Stabilization Act of 2009. It goes like this. Congress will pass a law giving me $100,000 to use as a down payment on a house. I'm not gonna bog the money down with fancy smancy rules and regulations and requirements. After all, I know how to spend that money better than the government.
It's important to emphasize at this point that there is zero effort to help anybody else with this legislation. This is about me getting the money I need to live my life. There will be no provision for how to pay for this. That's what the kiddies are for, after all.
Now, it's unfortunate, but when I buy that condo down the street, the owner is going to be able to pay off his mortgage he was about to default on. We should put him in debtor's prison anyway to teach him a lesson, but remember, this is about me, and that will cause a distraction that might make it take longer for me to get my money, so we'll just have to accept that this legislation will make him better off. And his bank will probably like it, too. Sigh.
There might also be some accidental help with this plan to some of my close friends. To the extent that makes them happier being able to afford their own place and better able to spend time with me and buy me stuff, well, we can still count that a gain. The ideal situation, of course, would be to make this cash infusion just for me, but some commie-Senator would probably put a hold on that demanding the plan apply to people in his state, too, and again, no need to tie up my money. If the cost of me getting the cash is that other people will also get some money, I can learn to accept that compromise.
Unfortunately, this will also help them backwards rural folk and lots of the people in South Chicago that that one spent time organizing. The National Association of Me has considered limiting the plan to highly educated white male yuppies. However, we've been advised even with a favorable Supreme Court, that might tie up the legislation for some time in litigation. Again, as the point is me, don't want to do anything to hold up my money. So that means this will probably have a pretty wide-reaching effect. There might be thousands, or even millions, of people who should be made to suffer through foreclosure and bankruptcy who instead are going to be able to sell their house to a first-time home buyer flush with a down payment, and selling it to the unwashed masses of the countryside and the inner city, no less! I think I need a shower just thinking about that. But hey, my hundred g's (gees?) will let me install one sweet shower.
So I will expect a hasty, coordinated response from the Congress and the President. I expect to hear Bush proclaiming that the world will end if I don't get my money by New Year's. If you don't give me my money, I just might destroy the economy.
Happy holidays all. There are about 116 million households in the country, so the good news is that your portion of my money is less than a tenth of a penny. Surely your own Congressperson can hold their nose for such a bargain.