Welcome to the inaugural edition of
"Interview with the 'Right'-Pire"! I'm your host, Auntie Neo Kawn.
Beginning today, I'll be bringing you periodic interviews with the premier members of the VRWC on the current events that are so important to all of us. At the conclusion of each interview, comments headed by the guest's name in the subject line will be answered by that day's guest.
Today's guest is Christian theocracy advcocate Mary Full O'Graysenshit. Mary is the president of the Righteous Association of Liberated Fundamentalism (RALF). Ms. O'Graysenshit is also the author of the self-help book
"Women's Rights: the Kitchen, the Bedroom and the Delivery Room". In her spare time, Mary protests at abortion clinics, bakes cookies and darns socks.
Our discussion today will take a look at the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. As has been widely reported in the media (traditional and otherwise), hundreds of gay families obtained tickets to the event in an effort to show that same-sex couples and their children are present in American society and deserving of equal rights.
ANK: Mary, thank you for joining us today. Easter is generally viewed as a Christian holiday, but is widely celebrated among non-Christians as well. I'd like your thoughts on that.
MFO: (sniffs loudly) The reason so called "non-Christians" supposedly "celebrate" Easter is because of the rampant commercialism in this country. Poor, innocent children are led to believe that this holiest of days is about candy and eggs and the utterly heathen "Easter Bunny". I tell you, it's a travesty. They've gone and taken the brutal, joyous death of our Lord and Savior and turned it into a dinner party. It's disgraceful. If you want to celebrate Easter, accept Jesus into your life as your Savior and celebrate the day for what it is: a recognition of the murder of the King of Kings, the shedding of His precious blood at the hands of vicious mobs, and the resurrection that represents salvation for all God-fearing Christians.
ANK: How do you celebrate Easter, Mary?
MFO: Well, uh...I attend church, of course. I pray for the Lord's forgiveness as a sinner. I study my Bible. And I make a delicious dinner for forty. You should just try my glazed ham! It's amazing! I get raves on it every year, praise the Lord!
ANK: Who are your dinner guests?
MFO: Oh, members of my family and my church, of course. I have a large family and dozens of nieces and nephews, and we all just have so much fun coloring eggs and...oh, my! (chuckles contentedly)
ANK: So you color eggs? And do you give the kids chocolate bunnies?
MFO: Well, of COURSE! The children, especially the little ones, just love running around the yard trying to find the eggs and treats the Easter Bunny left overnight. And you should see the little girls in their lacy, frilly little dresses and patent leather shoes! And do you know else? (shakes finger sagely) It's a great opportunity to teach little boys and little girls manners and social graces, too. I mean, just yesterday I was explaining to Sister Rytchiss' daughter that little girls can't go crawling on the grass in dresses! And do you know what that young lady did? She just took her little basket and sat herself down and was quiet as a mouse the rest of the day, just like a well behaved daughter of Christ should be!
ANK: So let's turn to the subject at hand. The White House hosted its annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn, and hundreds of gay and lesbian families attended. I would imagine you have some objections to that.
MFO: You're darned right I do! These so called "families" are threatening the American way of life with their sinful ways! They've already infiltrated every part of decent society with their obscenity! And now they have to show up with their brats on the lawn of one of the most sacred institutions in this country? And now they have their devil's spawn publicly playing around with pagan symbols, supposedly in "honor" of the Lord's sacred resurrection? I tell you, it's a travesty. They're making a mockery of our nation and our faith. It's disgusting.
ANK: Homosexuality aside for a moment, Mary, didn't you say that your own family colors eggs? Aren't those the "pagan symbols" you were talking about earlier?
MFO: But we're good, upstanding Christians! There's no truck with Satan in our houses! We don't do perverted things and pretend it's normal...like these so-called "families". I mean, we do the fun things for the children! And we explain to them that it's all a great time and everything, but the real meaning of Easter is about the crucifixion of the Lamb of God. Our children understand that our Lord was beaten bloody and then nailed to a cross and left to die. But they also know that it's ok to hide eggs and pass out candy if you're Christian, as long as you remember the real reason for the festivities. These so-called "families" (snorts) are doing the Devil's work, and they're going to burn in Hell for their sins. If you're not Christian, you shouldn't be pretending to be.
ANK: So you're saying that you can't be Christian and be gay? Or be gay and be part of a family?
MFO: That's EXACTLY what I'm saying! (claps hands in quick burst of applause) Personally, I don't think this kind of perversion should be allowed to survive in a Christian society. These people are under the influence of demons! And look at what they're trying to do to our children! The Lord would never tolerate this kind of behavior! My church would never even let these people in the door!
ANK: But wasn't Christ's message one of love and forgiveness and tolerance, Mary?
MFO: Yes, of course it was. But you have to repent your sins and be bathed in the blood of Jesus before you are forgiven. You have to hate the sins that you will always commit. You have to look in that mirror every morning and say "I hate that I curse during football games" or "I hate that I'm so dark skinned" or "I hate that can't seem to get our gardener, Juan, to stop asking for a pay raise". If you don't hate the sinner you are and will always be, you can't be forgiven. And if you can't be forgiven, you are not welcome among Christians.
ANK: Well, Mary, thank you for taking the time to talk to us today. Your point of view is very enlightening to those of us here at Daily Kos. We'll look forward to your valuable thoughts again sometime very soon.
Disclaimer: The author of this post has no relationship whatsoever with any of the sources cited herein. But she does get a kick out of the church website.
UPDATE: (04/18/06 9:30-ish PM PDT) Off to bed for Mary and I. Leave comments and kudos or flames and I'll check back in the a.m.