Let the Summer Fun Begin at Traitor Joe's!
It's all on sale here at Traitor Joe's, your "Independent" food store, just in time for summer fun. It's gonna be a hot one this year, so read on to see what we have in store for you, fresh from the Senate chamber to our Republican National Convention shelves - but hurry, because at these prices, we're bound to sell out!
Check out more of our specials below the fold in our Campaign 2008 "Fear-mongering Flyer"...
Miller Estates "Zinfan-Zell", only 2.99!
Lieberman agreed to caucus with the Democrats, who need his vote in the narrowly-divided Senate, in order to maintain power. But the Nutmeg stater is testing the patience of Democratic leaders by endorsing McCain and agreeing to speak at the Republican National Convention in September. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., told MSNBC they would "watch very closely" how far Lieberman takes his advocacy.
When you don't have any fans to speak of, it can get pretty hot hanging out on the other side of the aisle. Before you put your political career on ice, we've got something to give you a chill. With notes of crabapple, sour grapes, vinegar, and a simpering, elephant-musk aftertaste, the award-winning sensation that was the talk of the New York pundit scene is back with a vengeance. That's right, due to popular-vote-recount demand, we've recreated our vintage 2004 "Zinfan-Zell" for 2008 - but this year's vintage is not only certified Kosher, it's got an indistinct, nasal murmur that languishes on the tongue with a drab monotone that your guests will be talking about long after the Party is finished and the guests have left for their home states. It's the "three buck chuck" with the bite that bites back, on sale now in Traitor Joe's famous Whine Shop.
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While you could pair that bottle of whine with a white, triple-smarm cheese (in France, that crusty white mold you keep trying to pick off is considered the 'good part'), why not try something new? Our sugar-coated John McCain Bearings are a potpourri of naturally fruity flavors, including durian, white breadfruit, and prune. And at only $1.99 for 3.25 ounces, it's easy to give in to a little experimentation. But best of all, each hot, salty bearing is checked by hand! Here's Joe himself with a testimonial:
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They're in great shape, personally checked, and Traitor Joe's guarantees that once you've savored one, slowly turning it over on your tongue to get every last drop of natural prune juice flavor, you'll want to pop these bearings in your mouth all summer long. Don't be shy - we won't tell if you can't resist helping yourself to another sack or two.
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New! Traditional Hamas, and Tomato-Basil Hamas, $4.29 for a full measure of a man's 12 ounces.
You're bound to work up an appetite after a hard day of shifting allegiances and soul-searching. Grab yourself a cracker and concern-troll it through a dish of our rich insinuations about Hamas. The competition may not understand Hamas, but we sure do, and we're not afraid to say it! One soundbite and your tastebuds will tell you exactly who this Hamas endorses - you'll taste the difference between these two candidates, in a zesty new flavor on the left, or if you don't like change, traditional on the right! Take it away, Joe...
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Check out our other specials!
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White bread - perfect for milquetoast! - $4.79 / loaf
Elephant ears - two per pack, only $3.99
Señor McCain's pulled pork burrito with hot cream sauce- $1.79 each
Assorted processed cheese product - three varieties to choose from - market price
Filet of soul - $7.99 / pound of flesh
Lily-liver and raw onions / $6 / 12 oz.
Eggs Benedict Arnold - 2/pack, $5.29
And all the barbeque you can eat! Mmm, mmm - Traitor Joe just can't seem to get enough of Johnny's special "dry rub"!
Principles, morals, campaign promises, the trust of the voters of Connecticut, the best interests of the American people, your kids' futures, Joe's committee positions and future with the "Democrat" party - they're all on sale here at Traitor Joe's, and they're going fast, so don't hesitate - 'cause at Traitor Joe's, we're bound to sell out fast.
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With everything our customers thought we stood for selling outat rock-bottom prices like these, we could really get carried away!
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So PAC your suitcase, grab your coat and hat from the lobby, climb aboard Cindy's plane, grab yourself a beer, and get ready for a long, hot summer on the 2008 campaign trail with your friends at Traitor Joe's. We'll keep the barbeque warm for ya'. But hurry - this party only lasts until November.
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