Sporadic update: First in a series (if I get out alive). If you’d blundered into my other diaries you’d know I sheltered two undocumented aliens in my house for 5 years. I beseech you to use the Kos search engine so that it’s not necessary to rehash old information. Do it for the sake of my several Kos critics (blunderbuss’s) who I’ve waylayed previously and who tell me my prose stinks. That’s unimportant to me, more about that later.
When we last left off, my friend; for all intents, a surrogate son, and an all around great guy had been back in Mexico for one year. There’s a never ending supply of anecdotes I haven’t posted, and then there’s the story told in real time as I speak to him in Mexico week to week.
Today we’ll talk about his budding romance in Mexico; the job prospect I mentioned last week in Canada, 900 miles north of our other border and just about in Eskimo country; and I’ll fill in more details about our personal history. Then for controversies sake I’ll say perhaps the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard about the Israel-Palestinian conflict, because nothing generates feedback like that subject. Sound inviting?
The budding romance in Mexico has now lost its bloom, and with another friend named Don, (72 year old-U.S citizen, more about him later as well) back from his vacation in Puerto Vallarta, it’s now known that my Spanish friend got the kibosh on the one job prospect he had in Canada. An alta cocker, also vacationing in Vallarta with Don, who has a thriving business near the natural gas fields, in the cold and forbidding Artic Circle, has enough coolies for the year ( pun intended).
The courtship is off, probably due to a lack of any adequate income by my friend to take the young lady out. Important when there’s 8 years age difference in her favor, and when she’s pretty enough to have half the hounds in town after her. The pictures of both are posted on my web site www.theyokelnew.com., or www.theyokelnews.com or try typing "the yokel news." Don’t even ask, (but if you venture, turn up the volume). After 5 years busting his balls in the U.S. (this is the way I really talk so I hope it’s easier to read), he’s real estate rich and cash poor. He’d have been much better off if he hadn’t helped so many family members financially, and focused instead on finishing his house.
He planned on coming back to the United States after; get this foolishness, he was through visiting his family, his mother especially. She’s getting a little sick these days. And he wanted to meet his new brother-in-law, and see his new nephew.
After we were turned down for any type of visa at the U.S. Embassy in Mexico City last year, I returned to the U.S., and he waited patiently while I promised I’d find "one reporter" to tell our unusual story to, and hopefully elicit sympathy from good hearted Americans who always step up. Perhaps reality TV’s, Home Makeover goes grande casa, loco yokel ((grand house, crazy yokel) Hablo pequito espanol)).
He wasn’t letting any grass grow under him though; he made arrangements to cross the border with a coyote. I told him to hold off because I had decided to run for congress and address this immigration mess (single-handedly). It was time to call in all my I.O.U’s garnered in a long career in the office cleaning business. In reality I had one white chip to cash, my sister-in-law owed me a favor, and she helped post a rather primitive web site www.steinforcongress.com. (in rigor mortise since August-September, but reborn in very late Oct. as the www.theyokelnews.com ).
Knowing how much charisma I had; and calculating my chances for success; Bobby (not his real name), bet on his coyote. Long story short, again for the benefit of anyone I’ve bored to tears before (I’ve been told), he guessed correctly that the odds of a mid-life career change for me were not favorable; but he was incorrect that the coyote would have any more aptitude then the gringo, me. Border security has come a long way. He was stopped I think 6 times. Any reporter out there, could tell this story better than me. I will mention that he was treated very well on the United States side, although he was warned that if he got caught one more time he’d spend significant time in jail. (30 days) He wasn’t interested in risking jail time, even if you get a warm cot and three squares a day on our side. Lack of water and poisonous creatures in the desert etc also figure into any calculations.
Get your self kicked back enough times across the border and eventually some scum bag thief is going to roll you on the Mexican side. Bobby (not his real name) was with one other person, waiting to re-group, when exactly that happened. Since he fortunately had a few bucks to surrender, the bandito’s gun was only placed to Bob’s temple, and not in his mouth, like the penniless soul he was hanging with. No point in hurting either one though, bad for business, so this businessman only fired his gun off in the air for dramatic effect.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I received an incoming long distance call on my cell phone from yet a different type entrepreneur in the Phoenix area, telling me he was my friend’s coyote and that everyone was safe and sound in the U.S. All I knew then was that my friend went off to the border against my advice. This was about April or early May, and at the time I was daydreaming how we could bring down energy prices by releasing the strategic energy reserves slowly over a few years, as part of a grand compromise, with all sides agreeing on new offshore drilling, initiated by me, our future congressman.
I’d have made a shrewd Representative because I wasn’t falling for this coyote bull crap, I watched "To Tell The Truth" when I was a young, plus I’m very cheap and don’t like talking long distance on my cell phone during the day, (I’d be a deficit hawk); most importantly though, I was never party to this contract between the Mexicans. I did call this charlatan back on my time schedule, and had my initial suspicions confirmed when I asked another Mexican guy I know well, to talk for me, and nail down the facts. It’s common knowledge to these honorable veterans of the border region, now living along side us here in Jersey, that evil doers will somehow retrieve phone numbers from pay phones on the Mexican side.
Later I found out from my friend Beto (his real name), after he threw in the towel and was home, that a Mexican family of one fellow in his group, did get conned, and did pay $3000 to these lying sons of a bitches, (who were playing coyote); and that the real coyote, the real deal, the one who did the actual commerce in human cargo, warned about these low lives.
To show you what a sweet and thoughtful guy my friend is, consider his actions over the next few days. After getting wired just enough money from his family for the three day bus journey home; and since he otherwise had just the shirt on his back (no extra frills); my friend was more worried about how bad he smelled to the fellow bus travelers, than what was he going to do with the rest of his life. He tried a sponge bath in a public restroom. Now I could very well jump in here and describe these restrooms in great detail since I’ve been to Mexico several times in the past year. However I’ve been told my writing stinks and now my sarcasm is getting a little thick. If after all this, I’ve raised any eyebrow’s, in a favorable way, and not as dread of another diary entry, then I beseech a reporter to beg his editor, to get the accounting department to bequeath some bucks , and someone get their ass (butt) down to Mexico with me!
I didn’t forget that I said I had something else to add about my friend Don (Donny) who recently came back from Puerto Vallarta. This is what was so important. Back when I first entertained the fanciful notion of running for congress, I put pen to paper for my first time in over 30 years. (sounds quainter then saying the aforementioned sister-in-law walked me over to a computer and showed me the magic of a program called "WORD".) I e-mailed (another computer discovery) my early masterpieces to said friend and his wife for their critiques. She was more direct and far less tactful than him in saying that my early analysis’s, criticisms, policy theory, letters, you name it, made her itchy. That was 7 months ago and I’m still at it!
Forget my writing abilities; I say we really need to get pro-active on this issue. I need a reporter, or he needs a job outside of Mexico. Does anybody know anybody who lives in Canada, (it’s easy to get a visa), and would like the services of the hardest working, most intelligent, honest, single male citizen from the most corrupt country north of, and possibly including, Guatemala? If you do contact me and hopefully all will be spared update’s number 2,3,4,5,6,7,8......30,31.
And I did promise an insane comment and suggestion about the troubles in Israel. That’s how you build readership and jumpstart this freaky diary. Isn’t it?
I ended another diary last week; 08 Stick a Fork in Me , with the thread, "Why don’t Israeli’s sell 80% of their land back to these maniacs, keep 20% for their own fanatics, including Jerusalem, and move to Mexico and fix the infrastructure? Just a fantasy, but what the hell is going to happen there eventually? Up mine sideways!"
I’d like to expand on that, please. Mossad can clean out the cartel infiltrators in the Felipe Calderon cabinet, the Jewish Defense Forces can conquer the actual cartels near the border, and Air Mexico can inaugurate a new service to Palm Beach, Florida.
Only someone Jewish and with my history in the Hispanic community could say something so ironic (truthful?) and ridiculous, and not be accused of being anti-semetic, anti-Zionist etc, etc.
Last minute update. What do I come across as I’m about to post this blog? Yet another article suggesting things are getting even more out of control in Mexico. Front page of today’s New York Times. Your janitor reads. If I say, work on eradicating corruption in Mexico 1000 miles from the border, away from the cartels, and to target, to STING!!!!!, the local Yokel police, to set a tone; start a new fad, what could I, a Yokel, possibly know? I’m just a dumb janitor.
What the F can we do about Israel and the Gaza strip? Try this ....... "A string of similar kidnappings, singling out people with children or spouses in the United States, so panicked this village in the state of Zacatecas that many people boarded up their homes and headed north, some legally and some not, seeking havens with relatives in California and other American states"....... NY Times, reported by Sam Dillon. It’s all in concert with the local police, reports Gary Stein, Yokel News.
"Of the 400 houses in Felipe Angeles, Mexico, about 200 are now vacant, with 50 emptied in recent weeks, a teacher estimated." NY Times The caption under the picture. Welcome to the new North America, says Gary Stein
I’ve been Phil Spectored, resurrected
I’ve been Lou Adlered, Barry Sandlered
Well I’ve paid all the dues I want to pay,
And I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce,
And all my wealth won’t buy me health,
So I smoke a pint of tea a day
A Simple Desultory Philipic Paul Simon