The Oval Office, yesterday, 6:00pm
Cheney: Here they are. (Plops big stack of papers on Bush's desk). You gotta sign every one.
Bush: I gotta?
Cheney: Unless you wanna go visit those pervs in Gitmo.
Bush: I don't like this. It just ain't right. You're bossin' me 'gin.
Cheney: Boy, you are not (slaps Bush with left hand), finking (slaps Bush with right hand), out (slaps Bush with left hand), on (slap!) me (slap!) now (slap)!
Bush: Alright, alright, yur hurtin' me!
Cheney: Alright. I got a lotta boxes to move. I'll be back 'round midnight, and you better have 'em done.
Bush: Yeah.
(Cheney leaves).
Bush (mumbling): Jus' like daddy, bossin' me up, bossin' me down, like I was a little kid or somethin'. Ain't got a heart nowhere in his body, less'n its somewheres in his snake's belly. (Opens desk drawer). I don' know why I took up wit' tha' basturd. It just ain't like it used ta be. Aw, shit. (Drops stack in drawer and closes it, then gazes out the window as the sky fades).
Karl Rove (entering): Hey little brother! How's my man doin'?
Bush: Blossom! It's right fine ta see ya! How'd ya get in? Janitor's badge agin?
Rove: Oh yeah. You know, it's great to see ya. And Hey, whatta' ya know, I got a little somethin' here to cheer things up.
Bush: Naw!
Rove: You betcha! Yer favorite kind, too! May I introduce Mr. Jaaaaack Daniels, Super Size!
Bush: You shouldn't have!
Rove: Yeah I should. You've had some hard work doin Dick's shit.
Bush: Yeah.
Rove: It's all done, right?
Bush: Oh yeah. I don't let nothin' sit, 'specially not Dick's shit. He's a dick if it ain't done (laughs)...and a dick when it is done, too (laughs).
Rove: Can't disagree with that. You wanna open, or shall I?
Bush: Gimme that puppy.
Rove (taking a glass): Yeah, ya know, we had some great times 'fore those other people came and wrecked it all.
Bush (taking a glass): You got that right. You 'an me, we done good, right good. If it wasn't for the dicks, and goddamn me, the Condis and that heap a sheet, whatshisname, Asscraft...
Rove: You gotta wonder where they came from.
Bush: ...and don't get me started on Rummy, that sonofabitch...
Rove: Aw, go ahead. He's not spit on the sidewalk now.
Bush (taking another glass): ...and all through it, Dick says, "Now you stick behind him. He'll pull it out!" Yeah, he pulled it out, alright, like an abortion. The whole thing was a fuckin' abortion, that's what.
Rove: No crap. But hey, that's no fun. Let's have some fun. You remember the thing we pulled with the Rangers? Wasn't that just the hottest shit?
Bush: Aw...that was great....
Vice-President's Residence, 11:00pm yesterday
Cheney: What's this (drags very heavy box from corner of closet)? I tell the motherfuckers to clean out the place, and have to do the whole fuckin' thing myself (opens box). Oh, holy mother of God! (finds that it's filled with magtapes). And there's like twenty more of these. Holy illegal immigrant scum! (Picks up cellphone; dials; phone rings and rings). Motherfucker! Where the hell is everyone?
Alright (tries to pick up box). This thing's goddamn heavy (adjusts grip). One, two, three, lift (tries to lift; feels a pop, followed by an intense wave of pain and nausea). Mmmmmotherrrrfukkkkker! (Faints and falls to the floor).
The Oval Office, today, 1:00am
Bush (pours another glass, but splashes half on the desk): Jesh like I wuz sayin', we had some guuuud timesss.
Rove: Yeah, we did, you know, we will again. But, I gotta go. Ladies won't wait.
Bush: Shorry ta shee ya go, Karrrrl. Poooor fucker!
Rove: Yeah (steps out and closes door).
Bush (pours another glass, downs it in one gulp, losing only a little onto his shirt): Yessh, those was the days. (Slumps on desk and begins to snore).
The Oval Office, today, 10:30am
Bush: (Awakens to pounding headache) Whuh? Huh?
Rice(opens door and comes in): Georgie!
Bush (mumbles): Aw shit.
Rice: It's time.
Bush: Time for what?
Rice: Well, you know...that, um, skinny black guy.
Bush (loudly): Aw shit!
Rice: C'mon, we've got to get you cleaned up and out there.
Bush: If you say so.
Rice: I say so. Hop to it!
The Capitol, today, 11:37am
Cheney: Where're the papers?
Bush: What papers?
Cheney: The goddamn papers I told you to sign.
Bush: Aw fuck, in my desk.
Cheney: Did you sign 'em?
Bush: Uh, uh....
Cheney (whispering): Motherfucker! You little piece of turd! Get Condi over here and on this right this motherfucking second!
Bush: Get her yerself.
Cheney (waving frantically at Condi Rice).
Rice: What's up, chief?
Cheney: Emergency, class 5. He didn't sign 'em. They're in his desk. Get 'em here yesterday!
Rice: I'm on it (bustles away, opens phone and begins to talk).
Cheney (whispering to Bush): So help me God, if you don't sign that shit....
Bush: It ain't so bad.
Cheney: It ain't so bad? Are you out of your hollow rotten gourd?
Rice: (Clock ticks over to 11:44). So chief, the desk's gone. Movers got it somewhere. They don't quite know where.
Cheney (whispering): You have got to be fucking me! Get me that phone!
Rice (hands it over): OK.
Cheney (into phone): This is Vice President Cheney here. This is a national emergency.
Joe the Moving Clerk: Yeah?
Cheney: (Clock ticks over to 11:46). Yeah. I need that desk, and I need it now. The Secret Service'll be at your door just about now.
Joe the Moving Clerk: That so? Well, if'n it's true, it won't do you no good, 'cuz the stuff's already on the road.
Cheney (shouting): On the fucking road? You guys can't do shit for what, 3 months, then today you ship it all out? What the fuck is that? Where is this truck?
Joe the Moving Clerk: I dunno. Somewhere. Hold a sec.
Cheney: Hold!!!! (Clock ticks over 11:51).
Joe the Moving Clerk: Like I says, on the road. I got stuff ta do, so if yer done....
Cheney: Done! Yeah, I'm done alright, and you're done too!
Joe the Moving Clerk: Yeah? Well, fuck you too, and your "Secret Service" guys who ain't showed up (hangs up).
Cheney (Looks at Rice helplessly; clock ticks over 11:53): Motherfucker, it's over.
Bush: It ain't so bad. (Pats Cheney on back).
Cheney (Begins to sob into his sleeve): Mother, mother, mother, holy mother of fucker....
Bush: It ain't so bad.