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Dude, Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap:

First, let me say welcome.

(Did you get that the WAAAAAZZAAAAAAAPPP! was from those old Budweiser commercials? Those were so fucking funny, huh?)

The job you are about to overtake is awemaking and inbelievable with a lot of whelming.

But all the big words and fancy talk won't prepare you for the office you are about to hold.

The American people expect a LOT.

They want you to keep them safe and make the country prosperous and fish them off rooftops during hurricanes and GOD FUCKING FORGIVE YOU if you can't find the weapons of mass destruction!

Some things I think its important for you to know:

The bathroom off the China Room is... well... sketchy at best. We've had a dozen plumbers in, but were still talking about an ORANGE LEVEL "make sure to jiggle the handle" situation.

(If you're looking to "drop a duece"... the john in the Private Sitting Room is A-PLUS.)

I've loaded Tetris on the Oval Office PC, but you can only get at it if you use the pass-phrase, "Saddam Hussein Tried to Kill My Daddy". Its a GREAT way to pass the time while your Vice President is ordering invasions and political assassinations.

There are, also, two "Bunz of Steel" DVD's in the lower right corner drawer, which were Condi's but I left for Michelle because, y'know, they're both... bipeds.

Oh, oh and an important warning about The yearly Easter Egg Hunt.

See, it all started when I watched Spider Man in the White House screening room (another good baño in there, by the way) and I thought to myself... we need some of those dudes! Think of how many terrorists America could stop if we had a.... you know... a web-slinging super guy... flying around the city and ZAAAZAZAP! Right? So, I, took the scientists who were working on stem-cell research and global warming (and a few from cancer) and got them going 24/7 on a kick ass radioactive arachnid (I know... I know... its HOT), which we then HID in some of the holiday eggs (instead of candy).

Now, Dick ordered all the spiders rounded up and destroyed but there's still a few... hundred... outstanding... and I'm suggesting you might want Sasha and Malia to maybe skip the event over the next couple of years.

Anyway, that's about it.

I know most people think that I'm bitter about all the "he's the coolest" and "Oooh, oooh, I love Barack Obama" and "George Bush can't tie his own shoes" and... in truth... it does make me a little sad, but as shitty as it is to be "George Bush" it can't be NEARLY as bad as being "the guy left to clean up AFTER George Bush."

Best of luck, SUCCCCCCCKKKAAAAH!

A tip of the hat to Gangster Octopus.

Originally posted to SYFPH on Wed Jan 21, 2009 at 09:37 AM PST.

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