From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
On February 3, 1913, the 16th Amendment, establishing the beloved income tax, became part of the U.S. Constitution. This is the full text (I put it in italics so it would look old and wrinkled and historic and stuff):
The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.
Further, Congress shall have the power to take all tax dollars collected and burn them, eat them, turn them into confetti, light cigars with them, or wad them up and shove them up their butts.
Congress shall also have the power to spend more tax dollars than the current generation of active working citizens can provide. By borrowing from as-yet-unborn generations, future American citizens will enter the world with the pride of knowing they have already been contributing to the good of the country for years.
Oh, and Congress shall have the power to conspire with giant corporations to use tax dollars to build a war machine that can destroy every planet in the solar system many times over. We want guns. BIG guns! Tanks, planes, nukes, bunker busters, ships and a few thousand bullets for every man, woman and child. And bazookas---we need lots of bazookas. Anything that proves to the rest of the world that we've got the biggest penis on the planet must be arsenalized. We are woefully short on lasers---let's fix that.
If the citizenry is paying a reasonable and fair share of taxes in order to allow vital and necessary services to be funded domestically, those taxes must be cut so that these services can be funded properly---with massive loans from China, India and Japan.
At various times, taxpayer-funded corporate bailouts may be necessary. These bailouts will be prioritized in the following order: white collar idiots, white collar dolts, white collar crooks, white collar morons, white collar charlatans, white collar bloodsuckers.
Finally, Congress shall impose the strictest penalties on citizen scofflaws who fail to pay their income taxes on time and in full without exception. And by 'without exception' we mean except if you're rich and can afford really savvy CPAs and lawyers who can get you out of paying them. Or if you're really rich and you "forget" to pay them, in which case: tut tut.
Okay, that's our amendment. You may now start stuffing hundred-dollar bills down our pants.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Note: Rod Blagojevich is still talking on his front porch. For those of you keeping track, in the last 24 hours he's compared himself to George Washington Carver, Clara Barton, Mark Twain, the Lone Ranger and Pliny the Elder.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til daylight saving time kicks in: 33
Days `til the Saranac Lake Winter Carnival in NY: 3
Number of toxic waste dumps in the United States: 1,255
Percent of those sites that were created by companies that no longer exist or are unable to pay for cleanup: 30%
(Source: Parade)
Estimated number of professional "Union-avoidance consultants" currently working in this country: 2,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent of adults who say they read novels, short stories, plays or poems: 50%
Increase since 2002: 3.5%
(Source: National Endowment for the Arts via The Week)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Obama won only because of his skin color, not because of his policies. Yet he thinks he has a mandate to move our country into a Islamic loving, socialist utopia.
---Commenter "Gabe" at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Mush!"
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CHEERS to the people's lawyer. In a 75-21 vote (the 21 got confused and thought they were voting against anchovies in their pizza order), the Senate voted to promote Eric Holder from Attorney Colonel to Attorney General:
Holder, 58, is a former federal prosecutor and served as deputy attorney general during the Clinton administration. His confirmation makes him the first African-American confirmed to the post, though he held the job on an acting basis in early 2001.
Monday's vote leaves him set to take over a Justice Department battered by a series of controversies during the Bush administration, from questions about how it laid legal groundwork for harsh interrogations of suspected terrorists to the sackings of top federal prosecutors in several cities.
Holder promises to remove partisanship from the office and restore integrity to the post. He also promises to restore the AG tradition of posing with his hand in his coat. Justice Department slouchers---you're on notice.
JEERS to shilling for Shrub. If it's one thing we don’t need, it's George W. Bush getting an early image lift, let alone one from a Democratic predecessor. So, with all due respect to Jimmy Carter, please sir...knock this off:
"I don't think there's any doubt as time goes by ... it's very likely that the animosity or the negative ratings" will ease for Bush, Carter said. "He'll see his popularity go up." Carter speaks from personal experience. When he left office in 1981, rejected for a second term, his approval rating in the Gallup Poll was a dismal 34%.
Since then, however, he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, built houses with Habitat for Humanity, observed elections abroad, written almost two dozen books and, through the work of the Atlanta-based Carter Center, worked to virtually eliminate the debilitating Guinea worm disease in Africa.
Bush will not win a Nobel Peace Prize (ha!), observe elections abroad (ha ha!), or write two dozen books (ha ha ha!). But being associated with destructive worms? Okay, I'll give him that.
CHEERS to musical diplomacy. It seems like only yesterday that the Village People sashayed up the charts with YMCA. The single peaked at #2 on the Billboard Top 40 chart on February 3, 1979. It's a national anthem for gays and lesbians, and even the most rabid right-wing Christians insist on gyrating to it at wedding receptions. Wow---who knew that when we finally found common ground it would be disco??
CHEERS to the new look of things. (via Dependable Renegade) Okay...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
The difference between the Bush and Obama agendas.
The difference between the Bush and Obama agendas who?
The difference between the Bush and Obama agendas is astonishingly predictable.
Hey---Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
CHEERS to the pull-my-finger planet. Scientists say they've detected signs that there could be life on the Red Planet. The telltale clue: plumes of methane. Yes...somebody's farting at us on Mars. Well, if they mean to have a war, let it begin here. To the cabbage patch, lads!
JEERS to getting your wires crossed. I'm no electrician, so I don’t understand how you get electrocuted in a shower unless someone throws a toaster in it. But leave it to Dick Cheney's contractor cronies to figure it out. This poor guy was just trying to wash the sand out of his toes:
A third U.S. service member has been determined to have been electrocuted in a shower in Iraq, and Navy criminal investigators are investigating, The Associated Press has learned. Navy Petty Officer 3rd Class David A. Cedergren, 25, of South St. Paul, Minn., died Sept. 11, 2004, while showering. His family was told he died of natural causes. Late last year, the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology changed the manner of Cedergren's death to "accidental," caused by electrocution and inflammation of the heart.
There are 17 other cases under investigation. People should go to prison for this, and when they do everything in their cells (toilet seat, sink, bars, bunk springs, etc.) should be randomly electrified so that they get a jolt every now and then. Not enough to kill...just enough to remind.
CHEERS to wide open spaces. The urban sprawl around the Maine Mall in South Portland is ridiculous. So we're not entirely bummed to hear that the economy has put the brakes on even more expansion for a little while:
The company that owns the Maine Mall has shelved plans for a 60,000-square-foot development in South Portland. Chicago-based General Growth Properties won Planning Board approval for the Maine Mall Road project late last year. Company officials postponed the development indefinitely earlier this week, said spokesman Jim Graham.
It's probably just as well. The tenants were gonna be Circuit City, Joe's Subprime Mortgage Emporium, the All You Can Eat Peanut Butter Paste Buffet, Jobs 'R' Us, and the headquarters of the National Association of Sane Republicans.
CHEERS to gouda eatin'. 194 years ago today, the world's first commercial cheese factory was established in Switzerland. Or as we like to call it: The Holy Land.
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Five years ago in C&J: February 3, 2004
CHEERS to Justin Timberlake, politician-in-training. Spins Janet Jackson's Super Bowl boob explosion as "wardrobe malfunction." A more seasoned pro would have called it a "wardrobe malfunction program-related activity." But you'll learn, kid. You'll learn.
CHEERS to Newsweek. Finally, a cover that might shake people up from their apathy: photos of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Kay, Tenet, Blair and Powell with headline: WE WERE ALL WRONG. But at least we found out where the buck stops: Juanita Johnson in the White House kitchen.
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And just one more...
JEERS to slippin'. A personal message to Derek the Abstinence-Only Juggling Clown Guy: I'm so sorry. I know you ordered everyone to stop posting your video so that the rest of America won’t find out how your're spending our tax dollars to promote shitty ideas that sound good in theory but don’t work in practice. I tried locking myself in my bedroom. I tried reading scripture. I forced myself to look at photos of Bill Kristol in The Weekly Standard. I even tried closing my eyes and thinking of England. But I can't quit you, Derek, I just can't. Don’t you get it??? I need to start seeing you again...like, right this very instant, you fire-eating love tsunami! [Sigh] What can I say? I'm a sucker for a man in argyle.
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Oh, wait---never mind, Derek. I found someone else. Gosh this is awkward. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
"Probably Bill in Portland Maine. Then a boxer."
---Mickey Rourke
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