Today’s News in Brief:
GOP Lawmakers Added to Endangered Species List
President Obama today signed an Executive Order adding GOP Lawmakers to the list of endangered species after last night’s vote on the Economic Recovery Plan revealed that only three Republicans remain in Washington who are actually making laws.
Search for Commerce Secretary Continues
The list of possible candidates narrowed yesterday after New York Governor David Paterson requested that Caroline Kennedy’s name be withdrawn from consideration.
National Peanut Corp. Files Chapter 7
After Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner refused to consider their request for government assistance in dealing with their toxic assets, company president Stewart ‘The Fifth’ Parnell declared that the company is now financially, as well as morally, bankrupt.
Phelps Apology Tour Continues
After Friday’s apology to the people of China, the Olympic champion today apologized to commercial marijuana growers, saying, "I made a serious error in judgment smoking ‘homegrown’ provided by the friend who photographed me smoking it. For that, I am truly sorry."
Mascot Tests Positive for Growth Hormone
Lawyers for the San Diego Chicken are challenging the results of tests showing the presence of CGH (Chicken Growth Hormone) in his system, arguing that more than 90% of poultry in the United States is, "born that way".