"Mr. Whipple! PLEASE! Don't squeeze the Charmin!"
It was a part of our national childhood; for some of us we still hear that voice to guide us to the softest, plumpest roll on the shelf to this day.
Well it's time to grow the eff up.
Toilet paper doesn't come out the clouds and get rolled onto carboard tubes like paper cotton candy. To make rolls of tee pee fluffier, softer, you have to destroy millions of trees. And in the age of carbon footprints and out-of-control global warming, we can't afford a single avoidable molecule.
Trees absorb carbon dioxide which can help to scrub the air of atmospheric "toxins" on a massive level. Clearing out whole areas of trees for critical, honorable purposes is one thing. We have to build homes. And we can reforest. But this one is avoidable all together!
You want the truth? The Europeans who still use a bidet are cleaner than you are. Think about that. Those pesky, dirty, stinky French (as some on our not-so-fresh right would describe them,) are actually more hygienic than Americans when it comes to after-movement habits when they wash themselves in warm water and soap. You're basically just pushing it back in and wiping it around when you do it with common, forest killing toilet paper. Your risking infecting yourself and your friends with dangerous ecoli bacteria. And don't give me that, "now you're wasting water" argument because it doesn't wash. A few seconds of clean, soapy water is infinately less destructive to the planet than clearing whole swaths of trees just to pamper America's ass.
One company, according to this morning's NY Times article has emerged from bankrupcy and is vowing to bring more recycled paper for use in things like toilet paper for the future. I think that's a great start and I applaud Marcal for trying. But I think we need to do more to wipe this skidmark of waste from our national venacular.
The country’s soft-tissue habit — call it the Charmin effect — has not escaped the notice of environmentalists, who are increasingly making toilet tissue manufacturers the targets of campaigns. Greenpeace on Monday for the first time issued a national guide for American consumers that rates toilet tissue brands on their environmental soundness. With the recession pushing the price for recycled paper down and Americans showing more willingness to repurpose everything from clothing to tires, environmental groups want more people to switch to recycled toilet tissue.
A movement toward better, cleaner habits like installing bidets into new homes is going to be better for us as a society. And if you've never used one, I recommend trying it. For those of you who have visited Europe and just marveled at that odd looking piece of plumbing next to the toilet ... that wash cloth and bottle of soap is there for your use! Give it a go! Run the water for a moment until it warms up. Then sit down ... and WASH!
And if the expense of more plumbing isn't the answer then lets knock heads and figure out something in between. But one thing's for sure - the Earth is finding our Whipplesque obsession with bigger, softer, fluffier, ever more luxurious ...
...to be a big Planetary Pain in the Ass.
.