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Today’s Diary by: paradox.
Good Evening, Gentle People--
This is a rare work for me, a second crafted draft of writing. For better or worse—likely worse—I have mostly evolved into a short essayist "spit-out" writer, waiting until the last possible moment to write and then immediately publish, the first draft being the only draft. Blogging sort of forces it.
But, well, this is very difficult for me, so for once I was wise enough to see what happened on the first go and the results were predictably negative: defensive, pugnacious, defiant. Many of my life outcomes I deem to be horrifying, it makes me feel apart, always wondering a little if I belong. Personal accounts are full of hideous traps and a total no-no for a lot of obvious reasons.
I’m reminded how absurdly easy it is to look but not see, to view human faces or forms and not have a clue as to the often completely fascinating, brave, beautiful stories and histories they have. How many incredible life paths are hidden from us, what are we missing when we think we know of someone?
Who y’all know as Ms Grin asked me here, and for her I will try. I will tell a small slice of my story with all the truth I have, and perhaps I will stick around in the comments. I’m sorry, my dear Kossarians, I don’t like to yap about it.
I am in my 63rd month of cyclical vomiting syndrome, a ridiculous label the medical profession slapped on a phenomena they know nothing about. 5 years ago I got deathly ill to my stomach in San Francisco, so sick and in pain I was sure I had been poisoned, but I hadn’t. After a terrible six-day vomit run—I had not yet learned how sensitive my stomach was after the initial vomiting stopped—it came back 120 days later. Then 100. Soon it settled into extremely consistent recurring bouts at 70-80 days, 1-2 days of 12 hour puke bends, drenched in sweat in the morning, a sip of water to start it all over again, 2 days to recover.
CAT scan, stomach camera, colonoscopy, gall bladder imaging, every conceivable blood and urine test, exercise, diet changes....always nothing, always vomiting, for years on end. It’s very sad to me that the community of liberal souls in the screens—one of the most exciting, mentally provocative and socially important evolutions I have ever experienced—has never known me when I wasn’t ill.
I’m right as rain after recovery, I can eat almost anything and do everything physically that I wish. I have terrific vitals, I look okay, I feel fine...until that morning rolls around with sweat and a locked stomach, bye bye life for at least 3 days, hello sore throat and black hurled bile, foamy desperation in the dark just another night in hell for you.
I got tired last year, so very tired. After enough years there were too many bleak, lonely hours when I just wasn’t impressed in any sense with life on earth.
I am not precisely sure why I perked up and decided to try and get better again recently. Perhaps it was the heinous dereliction of duty looming behind it all, perhaps it was the knowledge millions would do anything for just one dawn of seemingly normal health, perhaps it was trying to be honest with some precious friends.
I don’t know, but I just got a fresh round of tests, am following Dr.’s orders—I mean, pretty well, for me—going to acupuncture, therapy, thinking about tai-chi, eating a good diet with lots of exercise, very stern orders not to write about politics for a while. The list goes on.
"Joseph," Karen said to me with such gentleness. "Maybe a higher power could help with this." Oh shit. Isn’t looking at a lab result a lot easier?
No disrespect whatsoever to the Big Man or his followers of whatever stripe, never, of course not. I just rarely hear anything relevant about a relationship with God, folks only say they have one, I’ve got a relationship with God and talk to Him every day. That’s great, buddy, I’ve got a relationship to my cat and talk to him every day. Semantically the sentences convey precisely the same information, just what are we talking about here?
It’s like Gary Sinise in Forrest Gump, right, when the VA is always pushing church on him. "It’s always Jeeeeesus this, Jeeeeesus that." Again, never any disrespect to the Prince of Peace, it simply seems I never hear any relevant life issues relating to such a relationship, you know?
Does that relationship mean that no matter where you are or where you have been, on earth you are always at home?
Does it mean no matter what happened to you, what you have done or been, that you belong among us all?
Does it mean a continual habit of seeing adults and wondering what they were like as children, to see folks in the totality of their life spans, somehow?
Does it mean that out of nowhere foolish regressive habits—not so bad in the human range of failings, really—suddenly become achingly intolerable?
Does it mean that forgoing any element of duty and maturity chafes with a mounting mental itch with each passing day?
Does it mean an absolute, total horror of violence in any form?
Does it mean truth, gentleness and kindness are to be the pillars of your existence in a world seemingly so lacking in them?
Does it mean a constant compulsion, often irrationally stacked in multiple layers, to share and give what you materially have?
Does it mean the horrors and long, long cold hours in the dark, life evolutions you’d do anything—anything at all—to make right will really be okay some day?
Does it mean a growing, fascinating reverence for Earth and the twisting mysteries of life in growing things?
Does it mean actually living a life of paradox, an existence solely devoted to the lives of others so that the self becomes whole and happy?
Don’t look at me, man. How the fuck would I know?
It is my fate, it seems, to keep exploring and asking such questions for a while. Where this path leads me and answers I get, if any, well, I have no freaking idea what will happen. Within the next 40 days I will suddenly drop completely out of sight for 4 days, I’m afraid, and there is no need to be concerned or worry, not at all, I will be back soon, still so very grateful to be among you all.
I’m on my way now. It is so disrespectful to Ms Grin and the community not to stay and chat, so I will hang around for a little while but I doubt I will say anything, please excuse me, I have said far, far too much already. I wish you peace and whatever slides of joy you like to be always in your lives, a life of love and good food and ecstatic sex’n glorious dawns, accomplishment and forgiveness, work and praise, happiness and mystery. May we all accept the lives given to us, no matter what that may be, to build a better life for us all.
I wish that for you so very, very much, such good people, please take care and good night.