I am a lesbian who has experienced abuse in a lesbian relationship. I'm not going to go into details, because it's none of anyone's business and because I suspect that people may already use this opening statement as a way to pathologize, psychologize and patronize me and my perspective in this diary. I don't desire to give more information that could feed that kind of distraction.
I just read an online column in the SF Chronicle: Fight for marriage, family is new protest focus.
Every time I read something that makes glowing political objects of our families and relationships, I squirm inside.
Near the beginning, the article quotes a political consultant:
"Ten years ago, this (debate) was about rights and benefits," said Mike Marshall, a political consultant. "Thursday it was about love, commitment and family."
Same-gender marriage appears to be the central "gay rights" issue in the public eye these days. I have long been critical of marriage being such a hugely central issue for the LGBT movement itself. I am critical for many reasons; this diary is about only one of them.
The marriage equality movement's focus as described by that political consultant implicly calls on same-gender couples to make objects of ourselves for public consumption. This is not at all a new dynamic. but it is significant to me to see it. We are supposed to show how loving and caring we are in order to prove our political case.
As with various sorts of political objectification of an oppressed group, we implicitly have to prove that are nearly perfect in order to stave off a view of us as deviant.
But. The truth I see is is that our relationships span the same kind of spectrum that all relationships in this society span. For couples, this spectrum includes everything from deep respectful love on one side to abuse in the name of "love" on the other.
Locally, I know that at least some LGBT organizations have services for members of the community who are abused by partners. Nationally (and in other local contexts), I also see an increasing push from the marriage equality movement's political dynamics to objectify our relationships into some unreal perfection that invisibilizes the realities of members of our communities who experience abuse.
One of the specific problems with being abused in a same-gender relationship, in my experience at least, is that you don't want to talk about it in any context where straight people might hear -- don't want to give them the chance to link bad relationship dynamics with same-gender relationships.
My workplace at the time was a very gay-friendly environment in the sense that there were several of us openly in same-gender relationships and our hetero colleagues were pro-actively fine with that. For example, when one of my gay co-workers got married out of state, my hetero colleagues had already gotten the card and started collecting money for a thoughtful gift before I decided to mention it.
But even in this context, and even when I deliberately decided to start talking generally about what was going on to people I knew as a way to break silence, I found myself deeply afraid to say anything at all in earshot of any of my heterosexual colleagues. I did tell one of my lesbian co-workers -- very quietly.
On a day to day basis, I had no problem whatsoever being out to my hetero co-workers. I regularly mentioned my partner and they seemed to even take some delight in welcoming these mentions and related conversations. They accepted me and my relationship openly and sincerely.
One of them had spoken with me about serious family problems she had had. Later, she was the only person at my workplace I felt comfortable telling about a complicated family tragedy of my own, my sister's death, in which there were various elements that could be considered "deviant" -- drug use, theft/fraud, possible suicide. But I did not tell her that a woman I was in a relationship with had abused me.
Because of systemic heterosexism, there is already a great deal of pressure for us to only show the most acceptable sides of our lives and our relationships. With the political objectification of the marriage equality movement, our overall equality and human-ness is increasingly publicly linked to the claimed wonderfulness of our relationships.
I don't think that abuse is the only dynamic that is relevant here. What about when we are just not as perfect and happy together as the political objectification requires us to be in order to openly/honestly participate in the fight for the marriage equality cause?
As I watch the movement make shining objects of same-gender relationships, I feel that it is standing against my actual humanity even as it claims to be fighting for my equality. I understand that this objectification of our relationships is likely a political necessity given the movement's goals. And I understand that this necessity comes not from the movement, but from the larger system of heterosexism and homophobia in this society.
It feels wrong to me anyway. I feel the pressure for silence again. And again, I feel that openly talking about and displaying what is not perfect and shiny is necessary.
Final note: I am not going to add a tip jar or reply to any comments in this diary. I have observed and experienced too much ugly at this site around LGBT/marriage equality issues to be able to post this if I task myself with that level of engagement.
Actually, additional note 3/10/09: I finally came back a few dats later to read the comments. There are many reasons I do not like dkos. However, I hear the objections to me not coming back to engage, and so I will, late in the game.