Several weeks ago I went to the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference (MBLGTACC) in Bloomington, Indiana and attended a really excellent workshop on what makes someone an effective ally to the LGBTQ community. I found this incredibly useful and thought that others would benefit from me retelling what I learned.
I am going to repeat what I heard to the best of my ability, but I think that this diary would be even more useful if in the comments section we had some LGBTQ folk share what they think allies should know.
Look below the fold for the rest:
1. "Forget that I'm L/G/B/T/Q, never forget that I'm L/G/B/T/Q"
Someone at the workshop said this, and to the best of my understanding I see this as meaning that at an ally I should not treat an LGBTQ person any differently than I would his or her other friends ("forget") but always be aware that they need to be sensitive to the fact ("never forget"). While this seems to be a difficult thing to balance, use your best judgment.
2. Don't be so afraid of causing offense that you don't act
This was a point that I had not really thought about before, but can definitely relate to. I think that many allies have experienced situations where they didn't know how to react to a situation regarding LGBTQ issues, so they just avoided it or did nothing. This is certainly not to say that it isn't very important to try hard not to be offensive. An example might be just not talking to someone who isn't gender-normative because you don't know to say "he" or "she." It is more important to talk to this person as a person than to over-worry about being offensive. Still, make your best effort to be sensitive.
3. Just ask
This one is closely related to the last one, but significant enough to merit its own number. If you don't know something that you would like to know or don't know how to act in a certain situation, don't be afraid to ask. It's a lot better to ask then just go along not knowing. Additionally, there's no such thing as a dumb question (as the cliche goes).
4. Don't take stupid risks
I know that personally as an ally that in the past I have tended to feel guilty if I say nothing after hearing homophobic and hateful comments. During the workshop, someone pointed out that in some circumstances it makes sense to keep your mouth shut. If you overhear some dangerous looking person make a rude comment about LGBTQ folks, it is probably not wise to go confront them about this if you think there's any chance it could cause you harm. LGBTQ people weigh the risks of how they can act and where all the time. It's not a bad idea for allies to do the same.
5. Educate yourself (and others)
While your LGBTQ friends and family members make great resources for questions, it is not their duty to educate you. Homophobia isn't just an issue for LGBTQ folks; it's for everyone to work towards stopping. Hence, you can't just leave the burden of educating people on the LGBTQ community.
6. Assume that hate is present
This one was really a depressing thought, but makes sense. If an LGBTQ person tells you that they experienced discrimination, you should not put the burden of proof on them and try to say that they probably weren't being discriminated against. They go through enough already, so the least you can do is to accept that they're probably right.
7. Understand the relationship between kinds of discrimination
There are a lot of similarities between heterosexism, racism, sexism, classism, etc.. Critically think about where these -isms overlap and intertwine, and also where the differences are.
This is by no means an all inclusive list, but I hope it gets the discussion started.