Knock, knock, knock.
Hello there!
Thank you for answering your door! Sometimes people pretend as if they aren’t home, as if we can’t hear them telling each other "shhhhhh."
We’re here to tell you something very important, and it’s going to change your life forever. Can we come in? No? Okay, we’ll tell you while standing on your porch with your dog barking at us.
Our belief system is better than yours.
It doesn’t really matter that we know nothing about you, your background, your family, or your beliefs. Just trust us. Ours is better.
We don’t really care what you were doing when we knocked on the door or that you have precious few free moments when you’re not working or dealing with one of a thousand mundane things modern life requires. Your time might be precious to you, but it’s more precious to us, so we are going to stand here and talk to you until you overcome your desire to be polite and make us go away.
Why is our belief better than your? So glad you asked. A charming man with a commanding speaking voice and dressed in a lovely suit told us so. And then he read to us from his magic book and it turns out everything in the magic book is absolutely true, because God wrote it, and the magic book agrees with everything the man told us.
Proof? I have proof right here! The charming man gave us these lovely magazines with stories and lessons straight from the magic book. Look at how nicely the magazines are put together! So professional. So many lovely pictures. So many wonderful words, mostly written by other charming men, mixed in with a few words from the magic book. How can you not trust a magazine that looks this nice? You trust Time Magazine don’t you? Well then you should trust our magazine too!
And look, it says "The Truth" right on the cover. What more proof do you need?
What do I want? What I want is for you to agree to adopt my belief system. You see, even though less than 1% of the people in the world have my belief system, I know for a fact, because the charming man told me so, that everyone who doesn’t believe as we do will be going to Hell. It’s a bad place. Very hot. Demons. Pitch forks. Endless suffering. Wouldn’t want that would you? Of course not!
One other thing I want is for you to validate my belief system by switching to it, because if you don’t, I might start to question my belief system, and I love my belief system. I like a clear set of rules to live by. I like the magic book and the charming man who tells me what those rules really are because I can barely make heads or tales of the magic book. It might have been written by God, but it reads like it was written thousands of years ago by people who didn’t speak English.
Wait, don’t close the door! Have I mentioned that the world will be coming to an end soon? That a magic monster will devour all the bad people, like you, and it’s all because of those "others" who are doing bad things to each other. The magic monster is kind of like Godzilla, but with seven heads, which is a special number, but I can’t remember why, but doesn’t that sound scary!
There is a picture of the magic monster in one these magazines that I keep trying to hand you, but you keep your hands behind your back some reason.
But don’t worry! After a while, God will come back, because he loves us, at least those us with the right belief system, and have a fight with the magic monster. Think of the Super Bowl, only with God versus Godzilla! It will happen because the charming man says that the magic book says it will happen. The future is written in the magic book in a special code that only the charming man and other charming men, and a few charming women with fabulous hairstyles (I've seen them on TV!), have figured out.
I don’t know how they figured it out, because it all reads like gibberish to me, but they make it sound so exciting, you just want it to be true, you know?
Wait, wait, wait! Don’t close the door. Have I mentioned that we have Sunday pancake breakfasts! Wait!