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It may only be me, but I doubt it.  I had to remind myself that this week was affecting my daughter as much as it was affecting my husband and I.  And I can't stop thinking of how someone accused me of quitting my job, I wish it was that easy, but it's not.  Yes, I volunteered to be the admin person to be laid off, but I did not quit.  I attempted to save other jobs because I knew I would be okay, I didn't know if my friend with five kids and her husband's job lagging would be.  Okay?

My daughter told her friend, "My Mommy got fired".  That was harsh too.  She's scared.  And her best friend's family is going through a tough time too, Jessie is describing their family tragedy just as bluntly.  I don't feel it's my place to share it but it's just been an emotional week for Charlotte.

We were watching the morning news and they broke in to show a horrific car accident.  The news was that the Angel's rookie pitcher who had just hours before pitched his first game was in one of the cars and had died.  Charlotte was scared.  She told us that's why she didn't want to drive a car.  Everything in the world must seem so damn scary.

And she's been acting out, the past day has been awful with her behavior and I had to ask myself, um, how is all this affecting her?  She's a sensitive girl her sometimes has a hard time putting those feelings into words, she's smart and so very empathetic as well.  When I told her the news her first instinct was to crawl into my lap and curl up.  Love for Mommy.

I've been sick and I've been struggling and all of this affects my beautiful girl and we do our best to insulate them from our troubles but it's impossible at times and I try so very hard to be honest with her and to tell her only what I hope she can handle.

But she's scared to death.  No swimming because she may drown, no to so many things because she might get hurt.  And we've never been too overprotective, when she falls I always wait to see how she reacts before doing the Mommy thing.  We've done our best but then you have to realize, they are born with their own temperament.  

I worry how this crisis is affecting all our kids, from home loss to fears of loss.  Not being able to afford many things that we take for granted.  It's not all bad of course, a lot of good can come from teaching our kids the value of property, the value of money and that just because we want something doesn't mean we can have it, that want and need are not synonymous.   But it's so hard when the world seems so damn big.

I sat her down and asked her if she was upset about something and what was making her upset.  I did a lot of hugging and reassuring and I tried to allay her fears.  To let her know that we will always do our best to protect her and keep her safe.

The sad thing is, there are millions of children that can't have that luxury, there are so many people living on much less than many of us can even comprehend.  How?  But they do and many just don't, they don't make it.

My point?  Not sure, I'm always struggling with the fact that Americans take so much for granted and that what were going through is something that might have to happen if we're to grow as a culture and survive as a planet.  

The change needs to happen no matter how scary it might seem, at times, we're all a bit like children afraid of the unknown and the emotional reactions are guttural, very primordial even.  It doesn't help does it that we have yahoos like Glen Beck adding gasoline to the fire, literally (Beck imitates Obama pouring gasoline on 'average American'; says: 'President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire? ... We didn't vote to lose the Republic'.)  And I have to admit to being completely unaware of the drama that's engulfing Daily Kos this week, it's been a traumatic week for me and for a lot of people.

I picked up my daughter's best friend from daycare with Charlotte and took them to Ruby's, then to Trader Joe's to pick something out for Breakfast.  We watched Kung Fu Panda and did a round of showers before bed.  It was a lovely evening even though I was so tired and achy the next day.  Just drained.

This is why we fight.  This is why we hope.  It's why we want change and that we have to remember that we want progress not perfection that we're progressives and not perfectionists, but we do have to remember how things affect our kids, they matter so much.  I had to remember that and I'm glad I did.  I have some work to do with Char.


I can't seem to write to save my life this week...

Originally posted to Ellinorianne on Thu Apr 09, 2009 at 10:15 PM PDT.

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