Multiple anonymous sources are now reporting that the Taliban Movement and Teabagger movement are nearing a merger agreement after three weeks of secret negotiations.
Futures Markets are reacting strongly on the news, with major indexes up around the world, led by defense contractor stocks.
Said one Wall Street Analyst, "I can see some real synergy potential in a merger - particularly in event cross-promotion and content syndication. Coordinating across divisions would be tricky - they would have to work out some non-trivial operational issues (e.g., language translation for content), but there seems to be a cultural fit and some real business logic there."
Potential Deal Came Together Quickly
A Taliban official close to the talks, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that they first considered contacting the Teabaggers in early March.
"At a time when the United States is engaged in wars on two fronts, we were impressed that the Teabaggers were willing to speak out in the rhetoric of armed insurrection - on US soil." he said. "Obviously the notion of being able to coordinate our activities in Pakistan and Afghanistan with a domestic insurgency in the US could create some significant opportunities."
For their part, the Teabaggers were cautious about opening talks - until the idea was suggested by senior corporate executives with large personal fortunes.
Said a Teabagger close to the talks, also speaking on the condition of anonymity, "when people of the creative class reach out like that, you have to stand up and listen. As soon as we learned that leading GOP strategists had helped create the Taliban in much the same way they had helped create our movement, it started to make more and more sense - though it's not a done deal yet."
Challenges Remain
Several challenges could derail the merger talks. First, for the last few years, the Taliban has been partly an astroturf organization for emerging heroin cartels that now dominate the poppy trade coming out of Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Teabaggers are an astroturf organization for groups like US health insurance companies.
The leaders of the heroin cartels remain hesitant about being associated with US health insurers.
Moreover, the Teabagger movement has recently been repositioning its branding away from religious extremism and toward a more open corporate-plutocrat sympathizer messaging. The Taliban, however, remain firmly committed to religious extremism as the organizing theme for their brand marketing.
Then there are the fine details of governance to resolve. Rush Limbaugh and Mullah Omar have reportedly been holed up for more than 36 hours at a luxury hotel in Monaco trying to finalize details on board composition and key executive roles.
Lastly, even if senior leaders approve, regional leaders need to be brought along. Complained one Taliban chieftain in the Tribal region of Pakistan, "The Teabaggers kind of look like a bunch of wankers... though they do seem to have a lot of money behind them - and it would be nice to have our own TV network [Fox] in the US."
Other Potential Deals in the Pipeline
If the Teabagger talks fall through, the Taliban source says that they may re-open negotiations to merge with the Alaska Independence Movement. "The AIM seems to have better institutional connections - ties with people actually in power - and there are probably product distribution synergies between the heroin and crystal meth product lines; but those talks are on hold for now," said a spokesman, again on the condition of anonymity.
If the Taliban-Teabagger merger goes through, the combined entity is expected to be called "the Talibagger Movement" and would have headquarters in Washington DC, Peshawar Pakistan, and Kandahar Afghanistan.