You should realize by now borders mean nothing to the Old Guard of Texas, especially when herding a majestic herd of sockpuppets across the plains of the internetz. Down home in Texas, we’ve already had six flags, why not make it a lucky seven?
A flag with just one lone star.
In Brazoria, where Texas began, there was this utopian libertarian ideal for a free stand-alone Lone Star floating around the public squares. For a shining city on the hill, if you will. Texas as an independent constitutional republic, without the layer of the United States of America government like a smothering blanket on top of us.
One our own two feet, interacting with the world, and ourselves, with Americans all up in our business. It makes common sense.
The Republic of Texas would be the smallest big government possible for Texans. Texas is also culturally independent enough to high noon it alone in the brave new world order of the global village without getting assimilated.
I doubt very seriously you will ever meet a Texan who will not let you know they are from Texas. Or about Texas.
Repeatedly.
Plus, Texas sure is big, if you haven't heard. I mean, God Bless It, Texas is bigger than France.
As you know, I fancy myself a little Paultardism, so let me indulge myself by having Ron Paul explain his version of the liberatarian paradise that could be Texas.
Of course secession was just a fun topic to shoot the breeze with, no one took it that seriously, expect at the odd gun show. Never in my life did I think I would see the governor of the state allude to it on national news so he made the newscycle.
Rick Perry said a mouthful and earned himself a new nickname, Governor Teabags.
Your welcome, Rick.
In fact, Govern Teabags, why don’t you meet me at the fifth wall of the internets:
So it has come to this, eh Govern Teabags? Miss Kay coming home got you so scared you have resorted to the holy grail of Texas already? This early in the game? Do you fancy making secession actually happen, or is this some Chuck Norris talking point?
Sir, this is Texas, put up, or shut up.
To use the one day day dream of an independent Texas as cheap and tawdry political ploy is gonna dig up more snakes than you can kill. And to rally for it as the head executive of the state of Texas! An elected official!
I don't know what Rove's boys are telling you, but you have already jumped the longhorn and the race hasn't even started.
Oh no, Texas history will not forget this. You dropped this media bomb in the driest of turkey ploys, clucking for a new political image, hoping people buy the new Governor Perry, Father of Texas secessionism.
But where do you go from here? Especially when dear sweet Kay brings down the media hammer on you for all your Bush-like failures over the last eight years.
What stunt for the cameras will you pull off then?
How much lower will you stoop, Governor Teabags?
Where do you go from secession?
I mean, Senator Hutchinson is still in D.C., what are you going to do when she is finally back home putting together her machine for the governor’s mansion?
When they start brewing up stories about your actions during Hurricane Rita, what kind of tempest in a teapot will you be, Governor Teabags? Pray tell, what will you do?
Call for a constitutional convention?
Seriously? Then what?
I still cannot believe you broke this gun out so early. I am going to pencil you in as a scratch right now for the governor’s race. Since, of course, you will now be leading our glorious revolution to independence.
Unless you were just bullshitting, which will work out as a scratch anyhow.
And at the end of the day, Governor Teabags, every citizen still has representation, they are just mad Obama does not represent their values. Calling for revolution to install people who to represent their values by usurping the elected people in a democracy, that is a call a coup.
Not secession.
What Governor Teabags does not understand is that Texas will just die on the vine without the motherly tit of the United States. Woe be the plight of the Yellow Rose, left in the garden alone. Why, even the longhorns would parish in the wasteland lit only by the light of the Lone Star.
Here would be the state of affairs of an independent Texas.
(All facts from Wikipedia, the Library of Alexandria of the Internetz)
Texas would be the 15th largest economy in the world.
That would be put us above Indonesia, but below Mexico.
This will be a call of arms in an independent Texas, we have got to beat Mexico in GNP, and World Cup qualifiers.
Which brings me to a funny meta point I saw floating around about big bad old Texas today. How our sports teams obviously couldn’t play American teams, boo Texas!
You’re an independent country now, our leagues are exclusive as a Cape Cod country club. We only have AMERICAN teams.
Toronto Rapters?
Blue Jays? Any one?
What aboot almost all of the NHL?
So you are saying we close our collective borders like that, huh?
Look, if Canada can have teams without international incident, I do not see a problem with the Houston Texans coming to your stadium and losing tragically to the home team in a fashion that sends the local fans home happy.
And there is always plan b.
Texas currently grosses more than $100 billion a year in trade with other nations.
In 2006, Texas had a gross state product of $1.09 trillion. That is on par with Canada, $1.06 trillion, and South Korea, $1.05 trillion.
But both of those are third world hell holes! Just like all the meta commentors said on the blogs! Like here! Who would want to live the living Lovecraftian dream of Canada!
Whatever will Texas do? I do declare, Texas has done got the vapors.
Why, even if we do make all that money horse trading with the world, we’re just gonna starve! You can’t eat dollars, no matter how many of them you print.
Texas is a productive agricultural state with the most farms both in number and acreage in the United States. Texas leads the nation in number of cattle, which usually exceed 16 million head.
The state also leads nationally in production of sheep and goat products. Texas is king of cotton leading the nation in cotton production, its leading crop and second-most-valuable farm product. Texas is a leader in cereal crop production. The state is a large produce growing state especially with watermelons, grapefruits and cantaloupes.
Texas would give India and Egypt a run for their cotton money. Just marketing our wares at the trading post of the global village. We got a lot to offer.
Well, even if the Longhorn of Texas is well fed, horns alone can’t protect the republic, you say. Well, God Bless Texas, two of y’all’s military bases are right smack dab in the middle of the Republic. Them suckers are huge, too.
That’s all we would need, since we would only be protecting Texas. The age of foreign adventures would over for Texas, we would use NASA to open our next frontier. But don’t think we are gonna leave you empty handed, why the USA was fine host for these last some odd years, we have to give you a parting gift.
I bet we have something you need that could pay for all your fun toys you have to leave behind in Texas. A commodity in exchange for the infrastructure that the shared federal budget built which Americans are addicted to like crack cocaine.
Let's see here, what does Texas have. I know just the thing!
The known petroleum deposits of Texas are about 8 billion barrels (1.3×109 m3), which makes up approximately one-third of the known U. S. supply. Texas has 4.6 billion barrels (730,000,000 m3) of proven crude oil reserves.
This straight up horse trade would be in your best interest America. You don’t even have enough change in the cushions to hope to pay for that oil. Texas is in your house, right now, America. We know we are broke.
See, the problem isn’t that Texas can’t exist on its own, it’s who is offering the solution.
Almost any Texan I have know has taken the intellectual exercise of envisioning a Texas free from the shackles of the United States of America. Texas got an early taste of what America does to their client states gained by imperialism. A taste so bitter we never forgot it. At least not the Old Guard who have seen all the flags of Texas.
And comically, I hear refrains that Texas can’t leave because the USA does not recognize the treaty with which we joined. SHOCKING.
The USA reneging on treaty. So you know what Texas would do, when the time comes?
We just won’t recognize our treaty either with the United States of America, redeclaring our independence. Give the USA a taste of its own medicine. Texas will be Texas, after all.
But right now is not the time for this bullshit.
The country is a bit busy right now, this is a civics transformation you pull when the government is in gatekeeper mode, not one in mass transition. An item for less interesting times, if you will.
Granted through peace and logic, not conflict and dogma.
When call for secession of Texas does come, it must be leaderless, or it will never happen. There’s a sizable lot of Texans that once they hear a tidbit from an authority figure they no longer believe it. That’s why the best conspiracy theories come out of Texas.
What would need to occur in the Yellow Rose is something along the lines of the independent spontaneous secularization that occurred in post-WW2 Europe. Every Texan will just know it’s time, all on their own time, without having being told by some politico searching for a sound bite, that Texas was ready.
That is the worst faux patriotism I have ever seen, because it is the first I have ever seen a Texas politician bastardize the ideals of Texas independence for petty item of the week fame.
Governor Perry is First, like a YouTube comment. All because dear Kay Bailey is coming home to roost.
Perry got scared, decided to grab some media oxygen, and over reached.
Ain’t that right, Governor Teabags.
But don’t Mess with Texas, y'all. Until we get our independence back, we will give you Bush after Bush after Bush. Don’t make us get the Hispanic Bush out, we got him!
We convinced you Americans to have a beer with a cowboy who is afraid of horses! And then you elected the village idiot of Texas, a dude who went broke with oil and traded Sammy Sosa for a couple of dollars and a bucket of chicken, you voted that dude to be president.
And he’s from Connecticut!
Ah, the memories.
You are going to miss us when we are gone.