Lately, it seems that the right wing punditocracy is throwing about terms as if they were interchangeable. One day a guy's a socialist, the next day he's a communist, one week later he's a fascist, and who knows what's next: A collectivist Stalinist neo-bolshevist?
For some reason, the whole thing reminded me of a classic comedy bit. That being said, I offer you a re-imagining for our modern times: Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck in "Who's a Socialist?"
Hannity: Well Beck, I'm going to New York with you. You know Roger Ailes, the FOX News boss, gave me a job as commentator for as long as you're on the team.
Beck: Look Hannity, if you're the commentator, you must know all the politicians.
Hannity: I certainly do.
Beck: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who we'll be discussing.
Hannity: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these politicians now-a-days very peculiar names.
Beck: You mean funny names?
Hannity: Strange names, exotic names...like Barack Hussein Obama...
Beck: His brother Samson.
Hanntiy: Samson Obama...
Beck: And their French cousin.
Hanntiy: French?
Beck: Don't even get me started.
Hannity: Well, let's see, we have in office, Who's a socialist, What's a communist, and I Don't Know's a fascist.
Beck: That's what I want to find out.
Hannity: I say Who's a socialist, What's a communist, I Don't Know Who's a fascist.
Beck: Are you the commentator?
Hannity: Yes.
Beck: You gonna be the pundit too?
Hannity: Yes.
Beck: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Hannity: Well I should.
Beck: Well then who's a socialist?
Hannity: Yes.
Beck: I mean the fellow's name.
Hannity: Who.
Beck: The guy that's a socialist.
Hannity: Who.
Beck: The socialist.
Hannity: Who.
Beck: The guy who's...
Hannity: Who is the socialist!
Beck: I'm asking YOU who's the socialist.
Hannity: That's the man's name.
Beck: That's who's name?
Hannity: Yes.
Beck: Well go ahead and tell me.
Hannity: That's it.
Beck: That's who?
Hannity: Yes.
PAUSE
Beck: Look, you know a socialist?
Hannity: Certainly.
Beck: Who's the socialist?
Hannity: That's right.
Beck: When someone wants to redistribute everyone's money, who gets to do it?
Hannity: Every dollar of it.
Beck: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow redistributing the wealth.
Hannity: Who.
Beck: The guy that gets...
Hannity: That's it.
Beck: Who redistributes the money?
Hannity: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes in and helps.
Beck: Whose wife?
Hannity: Yes.
PAUSE
Hannity: What's wrong with that?
Beck: Look, all I wanna know is the guy who wants to redistribute wealth, how does he sign his name?
Hannity: Who.
Beck: The guy.
Hannity: Who.
Beck: How does he sign...
Hannity: That's how he signs it.
Beck: Who?
Hannity: Yes.
PAUSE
Beck: All I'm trying to find out is what's the name of the guy that's a socialist.
Hannity: No. What is the communist.
Beck: I'm not asking you who's the communist.
Hannity: Who's the socialst.
Beck: One radical at a time!
Hannity: Well, don't change the people around.
Beck: I'm not changing nobody!
Hannity: Take it easy, buddy.
Beck: I'm only asking you, who's the guy that's a socialist?
Hannity: That's right.
Beck: Ok.
Hannity: All right.
PAUSE
Beck: What's the guy's name that's a socialist?
Hannity: No. What is the communist.
Beck: I'm not asking you who's the communist.
Hannity: Who's the socialist.
Beck: I don't know.
Hannity: He's a fascist, we're not talking about him.
Beck: Now how did I get fascism?
Hannity: Why you mentioned him.
Beck: If I mentioned his name, who did I say is the fascist?
Hannity: No. Who's the socialist.
Beck: What's a socialist?
Hannity: What's a communist.
Beck: I don't know.
Hannity: He's a fascist.
Beck: There I go, back to fascism again!
PAUSE
Beck: Would you just stay on fascism and don't go off it.
Hannity: All right, what do you want to know?
Beck: Now who's the fascist?
Hannity: Why do you insist on calling Who a fascist?
Beck: What am I calling a fascist.
Hannity: No. What is a communist.
Beck: You won't call who a communist?
Hannity: Who is a socialist.
Beck: I don't know.
Hannity & Beck Together: Fascist!
PAUSE
Beck: Look, you know any other radicals?
Hannity: Sure.
Beck: The Marxist?
Hannity: Why.
Beck: I just thought I'd ask you.
Hannity: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Beck: Then tell me who's a Marxist.
Hannity: Who's a socialist.
Beck: I'm not...I want to know what's the guy's name that's a Marxist?
Hannity: No, What is the communist.
Beck: I'm not asking you who's the communist.
Hannity: Who's the socialist!
Beck: I don't know.
Hannity & Beck Together: Fascist!
PAUSE
Beck: The Marxist's name?
Hannity: Why.
Beck: Because!
Hannity: Oh, he's a Stalinist.
PAUSE
Beck: Look, You know any Leninists?
Hannity: Sure.
Beck: The Leninist's name?
Hannity: Tomorrow.
Beck: You don't want to tell me today?
Hannity: I'm telling you now.
Beck: Then go ahead.
Hannity: Tomorrow!
Beck: What time?
Hannity: What time what?
Beck: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's the Leninst?
Hannity: Now listen. Who is not a Leninist.
Beck: I'll break your arm, you say who's a socialist! I want to know what's the leninist?
Hannity: What's a communist.
Beck: I don't know.
Hannity & Beck Together: Fascist!
PAUSE
Beck: Know a Trotskyist?
Hannity: Certainly.
Beck: The Trotskyist's name?
Hannity: Today.
Beck: Today, and tomorrow's the Leninist.
Hannity: Now you've got it.
Beck: (wiping away tear) I'm sorry, it's just that I love my country so much.
PAUSE
Beck: You know I'm a libertarian.
Hannity: So they tell me.
Beck: I get behind the desk to do some fancy commentating, Tomorrow's rambling about collectivism and a big talker steps up. Now the big talker deflects the collectivist argument and argues for public means of production. When he talks, me, being a good commentator, I'm gonna talk down they guy talking about big government. So I pick up the mic and talk down who?
Hannity: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Beck: I don't even know what I'm talking about! (gives camera a knowing look)
PAUSE
Hannity: That's all you have to do.
Beck: Is talk down the big government guy.
Hannity: Yes!
Beck: Now who's that guy?
Hannity: Naturally.
PAUSE
Beck: Look, if I talk down the big government guy, somebody's gotta get it. Now who is it?
Hannity: Naturally.
Beck: Who?
Hannity: Naturally.
Beck: Naturally?
Hannity: Naturally.
Beck: So I pick up the mic and talk down Naturally.
Hannity: No you don't, you talk down Who.
Beck: Naturally.
Hannity: That's different.
Beck: That's what I said.
Hannity: You're not saying it...
Beck: I talk down Naturally.
Hannity: You talk down Who.
Beck: Naturally.
Hannity: That's it.
Beck: That's what I said!
Hannity: You ask me.
Beck: I talk down who?
Hannity: Naturally.
Beck: Now you ask me.
Hannity: You talk down Who?
Beck: Naturally.
Hannity: That's it.
Beck: Same as you! Same as YOU! I talk down who. Whoever it is mis-speaks and the guy talks communist. Who picks it up and argues against What. What yells at I Don't Know. I Don't Know talks back to Tomorrow, argument settled. Another guy gets up and discredits Because. Why? I don't know! He's talking nonsense and I don't give a darn!
Hannity: What?
Beck: I said I don't give a darn!
Hannity: Oh, he's an anarchist.