Apparently word of the weekly staff poker game at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute has spread far and wide, as the mail this week features several Republicans who want to get into the game. Even the Professor of Astology Janitor is drooling at some of these opportunities, and Chef is positively beaming at the possibilities for her retirement fund. While your lowly mail room clerk is a staunch if not entirely voluntary supporter of Chef's retirement fund, we must advise caution to GOP operatives who think they'd clean up in the BPI staff game.
More below the fold....
As is the custom here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute, our faculty practice our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth") by spending the weekend in the wine cellar library, drinking thinking up truth to share during the week. That leaves your lowly mail room clerk to sift through the correspondence while keeping an eye on the staff poker game. They're taking a break while Chef prepares a suitably poker-esque breakfast of sausage medallions and silver dollar pancakes with golden syrup, so we have some time to answer the mail....
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I'm writing to you because I'd like to get in on the staff poker game at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute. I'm feeling a bit defeated this week, and frankly my party's fund raising isn't going so well, so it struck me that the staff game at BPI would be the perfect combination. My strategy skills are legendary, at least in my mind, and I'm sure I could clean up and use the money to help my party. How do I get chips in that game?
Michael in MD
Dear Michael,
We agree that you are a legend in your own mind, but we suggest your involvement in the staff poker game might not have the outcome you think. Consider that you went "all-in" on Jim Tedesco in the special election in New York's 20th Congressional district, saying "If we can't win there, we can't win anywhere." You do realize that when you go "all-in" and lose, that is a loss, yes? If not, we can assure you that the staff here at BPI would welcome you and as much money as you'd like to bring along, especially as Chef will need to restock the wine cellar library soon.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Now that was just racist, and it proves the point I made in a television interview, that the only racism is on the left and directed against black conservatives. You didn't make any wisecracks about Barack Obama's strategic failings when Al Franken lost the election in Minnesota, did you? Well, did you? I rest my case.
Kathy in IL
Dear Kathy,
We agree that your case deserves a rest, though not for the reasons you assert. We did not criticize Barack Obama when Al Franken lost the election in Minnesota for the very sensible reason that Al Franken did not lose the election in Minnesota. Al Franken won that election. It's a difficult concept for many to grasp, so we understand your confusion, but there is a difference between making a claim and proving a claim, and merely flinging bull poker chips does not prove a claim.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
If you're going to talk about poker and flinging bull chips, you need to come to the Six States Soon To Be Formerly Known As Texas. We're known for our poker excellence, and for our bull. So you should let me in on that staff poker game, though under Texas law dating back to our joining the Union in 1845, and the historical tradition of blackjack, I reserve the right to play six hands at a time. I'll teach you how bull chips are flung.
John in TX
Dear John,
We hardly know where to begin, though we find it ironic that a letter mentioning the Six States Soon To Be Formerly Known As Texas follows a letter mentioning the home state of the Artist Formerly And Now Again Known As Prince. We suggest there may be some truth to arguments that the Republican Party is suffering from an identity crisis and is trying to find itself, and our geology department has suggested several rocks under which you might look.
That said, the historical tradition of blackjack does not supercede the long-standing poker rule of "One player, one hand," just as Texas' claim of reserving special rights does not supercede Article IV, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution. So no, you may not play six hands at a time in the staff poker game, just as Texans cannot decide to form the Six States Soon To Be Formerly Known As Texas.
++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I know all this talk about a staff poker game is just a subtle way to compliment the president, who is rumored to be a good poker player. If there really is a staff poker game, I want in on it. Then I can prove it's all a hoax, just like the claims that the president is a good poker player. Good poker players don't smile at our enemies like our president did when he met with Hugo Chavez. I have my eye on you.
Newt in GA
Dear Newt,
President Obama is indeed described as a good poker player, by people he's played poker with. As to whether good poker players smile at our "enemies," we note that President Nixon reportedly financed his first congressional campaign with poker winnings from his Navy days, and he smiled at Chinese Chairman Mao Zedong when they met in February, 1972.
As to whether the staff poker game is a hoax, it is no more a hoax than is Blogistan Polytechnic Institute and the many NoDuh Prizes won by our esteemed faculty. And while you may have Eye of Newt on us, we raise you Toe of Frog and Wool of Bat, noting the detritus of the latter echoes last week's column. (Note: Woofie the Younger objects to any inclusion of Tongue of Dog.)
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I demand a seat at the staff poker game, but only if you'll shut up about Nixon meeting Chairman Mao. It never happened, and I know because I said so, so you need to just shut up. But I won't play in any internet poker game. We'll do it live, you hear? We'll do it live! [Expletive] it, we'll do it live!
Bill in Delusia
Dear Bill,
While one of the more famous books about poker is Telling Lies and Getting Paid, and that pretty much summarizes your approach to news, we regret to inform you that in poker sometimes there is a showdown and your lies get caught out. In this particular hand, the showdown looks like this:
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Okay, I know silver dollar pancakes are those little ones that are, well, bigger than a silver dollar but smaller than a regular-sized pancake. But I have no idea of what a sausage medallion or golden syrup are. And I'm getting hungry so please help.
Rumbling Tummy in Blogistan
Dear Rumbling,
Sausage medallions are simply very thin slices of sausage. In order to ensure they're fully cooked but not reduced to inedible cinder, Chef says you need to first brown them in a hot pan, then move the pan to another burner on lower heat so they can cook slowly without burning. And as for golden syrup, it's simply maple syrup blended with drawn butter. Enjoy!
+++++
Happy Sunday!