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A billionaire princeling emirette from the United Arab Emirates has been caught on videotape torturing using "harsh tactics" on an Afghani trader who "lost" a shipment of "grain."  The librul blogs are treating it like it's some kinda scandal, but the treatment was actually so weak-kneed that outside the leftysphere the response has mostly been uncontrollable laughter.

I know some of you don't agree, but I think it's a good thing President Obama has made the torture memos public, and this incident shows why.  As per usual, it's up to the US of A to show the rest of the world how it's done.

See what I'm talkin' about below the jump.

Here's the ABC News story about this wanna-be atrocity:

Hah! You call THAT torture?  All they did was cuff the guy around a little and stuff some sand in his mouth. Oh, and fire a few rounds off next to him.  Big effing deal.  Where's the blood?  Where's the hysterical fear?  I mean, that guy was still wearing his own clothes!

Here in the good ol' USA (or, at least, in an overseas venue over which we exercise sovereign control) where we know how to torture, treatment that limp-wristed wouldn't even require an advance opinion from the Office of Legal Counsel.  Yeah, here in the Land of the Free (or, at least, in secret CIA "black" prisons that only three living people in the world know about), we always strip 'em nekkid first thing.  Then we chain 'em to a bed or other handy object, put 'em on a near-starvation liquid diet for a few days, and make 'em stay awake for 72 180 hours.  Then we take 'em out and cuff 'em around.  And we don't use soft-handed billionaire princes to do the cuffing, nosirreebob.  We use US Marines.  Puts the fear of God into 'em.  Or Allah.  Or something.

Anyway, I tell ya, I laughed so hard when I saw that robe-wearin' prince stuffin' sand in that guy's mouth I almost spilled my beer!  Don't those lily-hearted royal dandies know anything?  Come on!  Hey, Prince Akbar, how you gonna key into their involuntary fear of drowning if you use SAND, genius?

'Course, I reckon they're probably a few quarts low on water out in the middle of the effingArabian desert and all.  Dumb SOB's shoulda brought a couple gallons, at least, if they want to do the job right.  Here in the Home of the Brave (or, at least, in an underground bunker at a secure undisclosed location) we usedta be able to legally pour water into 'em for 40 seconds at a time, and who's gonna tell if we don't start the stopwatch right away?  (Wink wink.)  That's a lotta water, boy.  And we should know--we been doin' it for over a century.

You'd think if the UAE was really such a close ally and all that we woulda taught 'em the right way to torture people by now, like we did with Chile and El Salvador and Peru.  But who can figger towelheads, 'specially royals?  Arrogant bastards prob'ly thought they already knew all about it.

Well now they're laughingstocks.  Mark my words, "free" traders all over the world now know that they can lose a whole shipment and all the UAE is gonna do is bitch-slap 'em and stuff dirt into their mouths.  

Torturers?!  More like Harsh Tacticians.  That little wannabe torturer wouldn't even make it in a low-budge BDSM flick.  I mean, the UAE has been going around for years threatening to torture people who mess with them, and now they're exposed as poseurs.

Yep, the "free" traders now know exactly how far the UAE will go.  Expect a helluva lot of shipments destined for the UAE to "go missing" in the next few months.  I guess that's what happens when you go soft on traderism.

Originally posted to Simian on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 08:13 PM PDT.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tips for the war on traderism! (8+ / 0-)

    In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H.L. Mencken

    by Simian on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 08:14:27 PM PDT

  •  This tape isn't complete (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Simian, MKSinSA, robertacker13

    According to the UK Telegraph, the darling sheik ran over him a few times with his Mercedes Benz.  The symbolism was crude, but effective.

    Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. - H.G. Wells

    by Skylarking on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 08:26:42 PM PDT

  •  amazing (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Simian, marykk

    Now if we had a few of those waterboarding videos... d'oh!  Somebody destroyed em!  Damn, guess we can't prosecute anybody.

    DailyKos: the "Free Ice Cream for Everybody" crowd!

    by louisev on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 08:27:19 PM PDT

  •  You can Drown on a Teaspoon of Water (0+ / 0-)

    Waterboarding is NEVER safe. The larynx can shut tight in response and reflexively strangle the victim to death. That is why it is not a part of Truth Justice and the American Way. Cruel and unusual punishment is still Unconstitutional. Dirt can suffocate you too. Eat a mouthfull of dirt and see how awful it is.

    •  Obviously, you failed to click any of the links. (0+ / 0-)

      Or you would know that I agree.

      In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H.L. Mencken

      by Simian on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 08:51:41 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Correct: The US cannot condemn this (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Simian

    because we lack the moral authority to do so thanks to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, other administration officials and their 1Republican and Democratic Congressmen enablers.

    America cannot be the nation to press for action here, because we--we--are just as guilty.

    And until President Obama directs his staff to keep mute, until Eric Holder acts on his authority as Attorney General and his reasoning, moral decency as a human being to bring the above mentioned to justice, we cannot be the nation to take the lead voice condemning such acts.

    George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, the CIA officers responsible, and who knows who else are just as guilty of torture and crimes against humanity as the individuals depicted in this video. Until they're held accountable by us--and that includes the hypocritical, snivelling, spineless, complacent media such as Nightline and others who failed in their duty to act as the fourth estate watchdog against our government's excesses--we as a nation have no right to condemn the acts depicted here.

    •  Exactly. (0+ / 0-)

      In fact, we're more guilty.  All that stuff I wrote about (and linked to) how we really torture people a lot harder than that emir is actually true.

      In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H.L. Mencken

      by Simian on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 08:53:54 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  UAE = USA (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Simian

    That is unless one prosecutes.

    For the love of... How can the US legitimately express any outrage at this after what Bush & Co presided over? When did basic human decency become a fucking political question?

    "Oh, but prosecuting would tear the nation apart." Yeah, well not prosecuting damns the nation’s very soul.

    Get on with it.

    If I wanted an uninformed opinion, I'd ask Sarah Palin.

    by Visionseeker on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 09:32:21 PM PDT

    •  Damn right. (0+ / 0-)

      In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H.L. Mencken

      by Simian on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 10:35:47 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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