I finished this early because I am a little manic and thought I should go ahead and publish.
I realize that all or most of my diaries up to this point have been very heavy and depressing so I just wanted to maybe write about the positive aspects of my Mental illness. As bad as life has been at times there have certainly been good times. I cling to the good times and the good things in life as that has kept me alive for many years. That and my firm belief that I was put here on Earth to learn and all that has happened to me happened to teach me something. I have been given some really great gifts in life as well. Follow me below the fold to learn about them.
Let me first tell you about the wonderful gifts I have received from God:
- Compassion and empathy- I could have gone either way and I have said that before in a diary, but I didn't! That has been the greatest gift and I do not believe I did it on my own. It was something inside me that almost always told me what happened to me is wrong and it shouldn't happen to anyone else. I look around me and see people who have gone the other way(toward evil) and everyday I count myself lucky for not going there.
- Reading- Reading has been there for me all my life. I do not know how I learned to read. I do not remember either of my parents ever reading to me. Or anyone else for that matter. My parents did not value education and the only teacher that either of them ever met was the one that my mother threatened to stab to death. I do not know how or why I learned to read and enjoy reading but it has been both an escape and a source of entertainment and knowledge my entire life. During the hardest times I have hidden in a book (when I was not hiding behind drugs and alcohol. Reading was what opened my mind up to the fact that there was another world out there where I could be safe.
- Drugs and Alcohol- I know this sounds counter intuitive considering the effect they have on so many including every other member of my family(all alcoholics and drug addicts). I started smoking weed at ten and went on to many other drugs by the time I was nineteen and quit it all to join the military. I somehow, miraculously never got addicted to anything worse than caffeine (Which I was addicted to until last fall). I do not recommend this to anyone but can honestly say I would have killed myself very young if I hadn't had the escape that drugs and alcohol provided. I now drink a few times a year and then I only have one drink. This is because I am diabetic and alcohol makes me sick. I have medical marijuana, but this is because I fear having a severe episode and becoming suicidal again. I have talked it over with both a psychiatrist and my medical doctor and they agreed with me and my doctor signed the forms.
- Not getting addicted to drugs and alcohol- see above. I know how very lucky I am considering the age I started and did most of my drugs and alcohol in: age 10 to 22.
5 Creativity- An aspect of both bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactive disorder is creativity. This has been a blessing in two ways. I enjoy lots of creative activities(sewing, quilting, beading, knitting, embroidery(traditional, needlepoint, cross stitch), picture and object framing, rug making, cooking, candy making(which I limit to making as gifts) etc. ADHD also makes me very easily distracted so I want to do lots of different things.
- Mania- It can be very hard when things spin out of control during mania. On the other hand I sometimes feel like I could jump over a building or like some really wonderful thing is about to happen. I am learning to manage it now so things do not spin out on me and I am also learning to take advantage of the times I am up to accomplish things and have some reasonable fun.
- My family-Not my family of origin which has scattered to the winds many years ago. My partner and our daughters make my life so much better. I am now among good people who do not resort to violence to solve problems and do not need to be intoxicated to be pleasant.
- Kind people- There are so many truly wonderful people in the world. From the neighbors who used to feed me, clean me up and provided me with a temporary safe harbor in their homes to the people who give to community service organizations that have fed and housed me as an adult. I would never have survived without them.
- Nature- I did not appreciate it as much when I was younger, but now it is such a relief and comfort to me. It gets me out of my head and out of the house for exercise. It brings me great peace and comfort.
These are my favorite gifts. These are the gifts that brought me to where I am today.
Once, when my daughter was young, we went to the playground and were playing together. A little girl who was there asked me" are you a kid or a mommy?". To which I responded, "I am a mommy" She replied, " you don't act like a mommy". and my daughter piped up and said, "she's a silly mommy!" And I am a silly person. This allows me to see the humor in situations others do not. People sometimes assume my silliness means I am not smart. I am smart, just silly smart.
Being silly got me into a lot of trouble in boot camp. I could not help but laugh the first day we did infantry drills. Our commander said "To the right march" and half the company went left. Over and over an dover again. I did 160 push ups, 100 jumping jacks, 4 laps around the parade ground running and I think about 140 mountain climbers(another exercise) in about 3 hours. At one point my commander said and I quote word for word, "Hollywood, I saw your thumb twitch! Now drop and give me twenty." She was really fed up with me laughing that day. She also didn't seem to like me because we were both from rival LA's. I was from Los Angeles and she was from Lower Alabama. I got really buff in bootcamp.
Along the way in life I finally figured out that one key to happiness is to stop wanting things I cannot have. It is not easy but in doing so I discovered the joy of making do and making for oneself. I made the quilt on my bed and the rug next to it. I have made my own napkins, tablecloths, aprons, potholders, curtains, clothing, hats, scarves, pillows, christmas ornaments and decorations, halloween decorations and sachets. I get some of the things that I want and it feels good to provide them for myself. Having creative outlets has been a great blessing. Homemade is so much better than store bought.
Another silly story about me: I have the attention span of a gnat and do not always think things through. This is why I do not use pyrex anymore. That and the exploding brownies! I made some brownies in a pyrex bake pan. I had been cooking and cleaning as well, because when you are manic and have add you try to do 15 things at once. Any way I forgot to turn the burner off. I took the brownies out and put them on the burner while I finished mopping. When I smelled the burning brownies I turned the stove off and put the brownie on top of the fridge to cool. Boy it sounded like a bomb went off! Then I picked the bits of pyres out of my leg(not hurt bad) and spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning brownies off the ceiling and walls. I am glad my cat was outside.
THIS WEEK...
I just wanted to update on how I am doing with the torture avoidance. I did pretty well for a while, but Dick Cheney just pisses me off so much! I have looked at headlines and peaked at a couple of articles and diaries. Overall I am over the PTSD reaction and am now in a mild manic phase. Which I need to keep an eye on and will try to make use of to get things done. We also have a new arrival in our happy little family. His name is friday and he is so handsome I would put a picture up if I had a camera. My partner is his special human. I am daisy cat's special human. I think every kitteh should have their own special human and all good humans should belong to a kitteh or goggie or other critter.
A Special Note.
In some ways I feel as if I have won in life. I have a good partner and now two wonderful cats to hang out with. I live in a beautiful place and get to enjoy the beauty of nature so much. I am not sunk in alcoholism or drug use like every other member of my family of origin. I am alive! I have found a safe, quiet place to rest and since I now have medicare and disability from the government I have a stable income and can continue to survive. And I found a community of very smart, funny, beautiful people here on Kos who have given me a voice to tell my story with. I cannot tell you what a huge difference that makes to me but I can say thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart.