Today I received another one of those e-mails that just make me insane. Supposedly, this one was written by the comedian Bill Cosby, with his "platform" to be a write-in candidate.
Normally, I ignore this stuff because it's just like mold growing on your grout - it just keeps coming back no matter what you use to scrub it away. But this one, I had to answer.
2012 Candidate For President
Bill Cosby has a great way of distilling things. Looks like he has done it again!
Typical isolationist Republican BS - just another take on their talking points. Hardly original.
I WISH WE HAD A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!
Thank God we don't, or the country would be really f*cked!
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
Just like the African slaves did? Or the Swedish immigrants? Or the Norwegians? Or the Danes? Or the Germans? Or the Eastern Europeans? Or the Irish/Scots (their native language is Gaelic)? Or the French? Or the Russians? Or the Italians? Or the Greeks? Or the Chinese who built the Transcontinental Railroad?
Or does it only matter if you're BROWN?
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
And you think the economy sucks hard NOW. Wait until more companies lay off even more employees, file for bankruptcy, or simply leave the country - because profit is above all.
And how dare he decide what I NEED? Cosby ain't exactly living on minimum-wage himself, now is he?
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
See (2) above. Except countries will incorporate outside the US to avoid taxes. Kinda like they do now, but more so.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
First off, getting your ass shot at in Iraq or Afghanistan isn't enough - now you have to spend your retirement guarding against illegals? Yeah, that's supporting the troops alright.
And only the southern border counts? Guess Canada isn't brown enough.
Of course, I guess Americans don't like eating tomatoes, lettuce, apples, peaches, cucumbers, etc., since AMERICAN EMPLOYERS use illegals to pick the produce because they'll work 12 hours days, 7-day weeks, in scorching hot sun without shade, water, or breaks (which is still better than back home for the illegals, which tells you what a SHITHOLE those people are coming from) for $80/week, and no American will work for those wages because they know Abraham Lincoln done freed the slaves in 1865!!
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
So the people Social Security was designed to help - widows, orphaned children, and the disabled - don't get Social Security because most of them haven't worked. They've been busy raising children, being children, or unable to work (for example, how many jobs can you list suitable for a quadriplegic?). But RICH people - like Paris Hilton and every member of Congress - qualify for Social Security even though they'll never need it.
And we all know how hard Paris Hilton works for her money.
The only people who need to keep their grubby mitts off Social Security happen to be Republican - who have hated Social Security since it was signed into existence by FDR and they have been trying to destroy it ever since.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
I would pay money to see Bill Cosby telling kindergartners to "pee in the cup" so they could get their welfare checks! And what about those people who AREN'T in school? Guess they deserve to starve and sleep in the gutters, eh?
(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
God forbid we change the performance standards so athletes don't turn to steroids in an effort to keep their JOBS. Oh wait, I forgot. They're just druggies, which means they're lying, lazy, thieving, promiscuous, spineless, and weak-willed because they don't "just say no."
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
As a black man, one would think Cosby would understand what it means to be pulled over for "driving while black." How would you like to have your right hand cut off for a crime you didn't commit? Exoneration isn't going to give you your hand back, now is it? And we're already putting innocent people to death - hell, Texas has an Express Lane. I can't WAIT for the lists of announcements of people who were executed for crimes they didn't commit. Oh well, at least serial killers will have an option for a legal career: Torturer/executioner. Some silver lining to that cloud, eh?
(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
So the rice farmers of South Carolina are f*cked. As are the tobacco farmers. And the soybean farmers. And the corn producers. And the cattle exporters. And the wineries. And anybody else who earns a living exporting anything.
Can you say "stupid idea"? I knew you could!
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
Will someone please point out to me the place in Scripture where Jesus said, "As you have done unto the least of these, so you have done until me. Unless they're poor, fat, ugly, gay, a minority race, or a Democrat. Then f*ck 'em."?
So much for America being a "Christian" country.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
And I'll support this just as soon as it's returned to its original form as written by the CLERGYMAN who composed it, and not the Knights-of-Columbus "OMG, the Commies are coming to get us!" corrupted version.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
You mean, it's not now?
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes
No, he's not. Or he wouldn't advocate policies that would cause mass starvation, unemployment the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Great Depression, and war.
GOD BLESS AMERICA .
We need all the help we can get.
Bill Cosby
Please Forward this to everyone you know, no matter which side of the fence they're on.
Guess you know now I'm a bleeding heart Democrat, huh? :)
I don't think Bill Cosby actually wrote this, although I believe it does express some of his more conservative views. Still, I can't believe anyone would think ANY of these are actually a good idea (except maybe the playing of the National Anthem, which is already being done).
Well, rant over. I admit - it felt great. Thanks for reading!