This is my first diary, so please, go easy on me :D I am not following any rules of writing, I am simply writing this from the heart about something that has happened to me with the hope that it might help others as well as being a catharsis of sorts for myself.
I have been thinking about writing a diary about my awful experience at work that at first engulfed me, next shattered my confidence and finally, hopefully will release me. I was going to wait until the nightmare was completely over (read: getting another job), however, after seeing Erich "Mancow" Muller on Keith Olbermann last night, I’ve been inspired to jot some things down here for the world to see. What, pray tell could this right-wing talk show host have possibly said to have inspired a fairly liberal woman to write her first diary you might ask? It is this(have to move it out of intro, so look for video below the fold):
A little background on my story and I’ll try to be as brief as I can because the details don’t (or shouldn’t) matter any more. And then I’ll get back to why what Mancow said relates to this experience. I received the worst review of my life in February of this year, complete with many inaccuracies and some things that I had no idea were expected of me. For two hours after getting this incorrect review, I shook and shook and shook. I was so upset, I could barely function let alone eat anything substantial. I had a yogurt for dinner. And for many weeks afterwards, I was not sleeping very well. I don’t sleep that well anyway, but this made it even worse for the constant thoughts on how to fight it consumed me, especially in the middle of the night. I immediately contacted my director to talk it over with her. Luckily she wasn’t available right then. . I say luckily because I needed to get a hold of myself, I was in no shape to talk to anyone at work, let alone my director. But, she and I have worked together for over 5 years and she would be able to help me, or so I thought. So, we set up a meeting for the next day and I set to work picking apart everything I could in that stupid review to try and build my case against my manager, who was absolutely and without a doubt incorrect on far too many things in this review of my work year. I explained to Robin(not her real name) how completely stressed I was trying to get all the work done, only to find out towards the end of the year that she never expected that everything would get done. Oh gee, could someone have told me that in February?!?!?!?!?!! And that stress contributed to what my manager labeled as a bad attitude for the entire year. It was not the entire year. I asked her if there was any way to change the rating on this review. She was very nice but said there was no way to change it. I then asked "What do I do about the factually incorrect things in there?" To which she replied something like this "Well....I want to believe that neither you nor Mary Margaret (not her real name but I kinda like this one!) are making things up....(ah........BINGO!!), but why don’t you pick out a few things that you disagree with and we’ll set up a meeting for the three of us to talk." My other option was to "let it go", write my comments within the online review and put it behind me. I decided to try and fight it as there was no way I could let this go.
I spent a good chunk of my time for the next several weeks reading and re-reading everything I had documented for the year. I had received a couple of low marks within my review for the previous year and I never wanted to see them again so I had been keeping my own records of things for 2008. One of those low marks was for teamwork, which I disagreed with but I let it go at the time and decided to work hard on that to erase that low mark. But, guess what? Not only was it back, but it was back in TWO places?!?!?!?!! WTF????? I had plenty of documentation to prove this b*tch wrong on at the very least this teamwork thing. I then spent another chunk of time writing out what I intended to say at this meeting of the minds (hahahahaha!) we were going to have. And meanwhile, the work continued to pile up.
Really, I don’t want to get into too many of the details of the actual sh*thole of a review that was given to me. What I want to focus on is the truth and how people with agendas or perhaps incorrect perceptions simply will not see things any other way than the way they want to see them. We all do this, I think, and some do it to more of an extent than others. And it was the above interview that Keith Olbermann had with Mancow that drove this point home for me. Oh, I have seen it before in my life, but never have I gotten an incorrect review, tried to fight it with the facts and come to exactly where I started. This is what happened to me.
I had two experiences with online friends in the last few years that were very similar in that I don’t talk to either of those friends any more and neither of them was interested in hearing the facts. They were more interested in keeping their point of view intact, however wrong it seemed to me. With both I probably went overboard in attempting to "make" them see it from my point of view. In retrospect, I should have just let it be and probably have reached the same conclusion without all the heartache on my end. Live and learn, so they say. And, boy howdy, I sure learned a lot from both of those situations! And I should have applied some of what I learned to this work situation. Alas.....here I am looking for another job because I didn’t heed the lessons from those broken friendships.
It appeared to me that Mary Margaret decided to give me a low rating and then justified it with all kinds of made up crap. Or, she really believed that I was that bad and wrote all those incorrect things to justify her belief in how bad I was. Or, she had her own agenda which included writing this incorrect review just to disqualify me from the bonus pool or to get me to quit, or both. Or, some employees have to get the bad ratings and it was my turn. I believe it’s a combination of all of these things.
Oh we had our meeting and I had my "script" all written and ready to go. Prior to the meeting it really felt like my director was going to be on my side because she made a comment about wanting to make sure things were addressed. Oh my word, but things were far from addressed! In fact, the b*tch contradicted herself three times from what she wrote in my review. This is what tells me that she made things up to justify her belief and/or agenda. And when I pointed this out to my director afterwards she glossed over all of it. HUH????? You’re going to let this incorrect review stand even tho I have proven her wrong on many fronts? Even tho she contradicted herself THREE TIMES?!?!?!?! I guess so. I can’t even describe how disappointing that was, so I won’t even try. Suffice it to say that I knew right then it was time to move on. Okay, I knew it was time to move on once I figured out this f*cking thing disqualified me from a bonus that I felt I deserved. You know what they say about expectations......best not to have any. That way you’re not disappointed!
I don’t regret going through the motions, since that’s all it ended up being when all was said and done, because I had to fight this thing. If I let it go like my director suggested in that initial meeting I had with her, I would have regretted that for the rest of my life. Some people will say "What’s the big deal? It’s just a stupid review, just move on." Easy for some to say and do, but not for me damnit. And perhaps it’s the perfectionist in me, but this was just plain wrong. What they did to me was wrong and in the end the truth did not matter. Not even to the guy at the top that hired me. He defended the b*tch and I think that one hurt the most.
And so that brings me back to Mr. Mancow(not his real name, heh) and his shock to learn that no, the truth doesn’t always "set you free" and sometimes it doesn’t even matter. I guess it has to be enough that I, and he, know what the truth actually is. And it’s not that his waterboarding was fake and it’s not that I’m a bad teamplayer (and seldom look for ways to streamline things, and put my needs and success ahead of others on the team and blah, de, blah, blah, blah whatever else crappy incorrect things she wrote about me). It’s that people with agendas and/or incorrect perceptions simply will not see things from anyone else’s point of view. Their minds are made up and nothing anyone says will get through to them or change their minds. Ever.
I had dinner recently with a good friend who is also the manager that first hired me at this godforsaken place. I told her how this thing shattered my confidence in my abilities and I think it may be coming through in interviews for prospective new jobs. And she reiterated what so many have said and what I have to keep reminding myself of. The thing was wrong and I did not deserve that beating. Oh, I will never forget this awful thing and in time and especially when I get that new job, I will finally put it behind me. For now, I put on my happy face for the b*tch and her bosses to see and it’s working. I’ve received my stupid-ass interim review of "meets expectations" and I cannot wait for the day when I can kiss these pigs goodbye. I’ve become a liar and a good actress just to keep putting food on my family, oh I mean, food on the table :D It is SO not me!! But apparently perceptions mean more than getting your work done. Someone changed the rules and forgot to give me the memo.
Okay, enough I guess. I would just like to say that if anyone out there reading this hates their job, please, do NOT let it show while you’re at work. Do your job, keep your head down and for goodness sake BE HAPPY or at least pretend to be happy until you can move on. This might be obvious to some people, alas, I had to learn it the hard way. If I’ve saved even one person the grief I’ve been through, then this diary will have been worth writing.