Maybe I’m waiting in line at the grocery store and I glance at the cover of a People Magazine and I think to myself, who the fuck are Jon and Kate? Or maybe someone posts something on their Facebook page about some contestant on American Idol. Or maybe I’ll see an item on, oh, let's say Huffington Post about, oh, I don’t know, Mike Tyson getting married.
It then occurs to me that there are people in this world who have an opinion about this stuff. They really care and they want to know more about Jon & Kate or Mike Tyson. If I think about it for a second, guess what? I don’t give a rat’s ass. The amount that I care is zero.
In fact, a headline like "Mike Tyson Gets Married" contains more information than I need to know. I thought he was dead. Or dead broke. Wasn’t he in prison once or twice? Did he escape? Why would any sane woman marry him? I won’t read the article to find out the answers because fuck him. I just don’t care.
Someday some guy will be lying on his deathbed and someone will say, "Do you have any regrets in your life?" He’ll say, "Yeah, back in 2009, I spent ten minutes reading an article about Mike Tyson’s wedding. What was I thinking?"
I don’t want to be that guy.
Here are a few more things I don’t care about:
Sarah Palin gave a speech somewhere. No wait, she was supposed to give a speech, but then someone else (the Newtster) gave a speech instead, but she was sitting in the audience. Big yawn. Let me guess. Palin didn’t say something stupid because she didn’t speak. But Gingrich did say something stupid. I’m just guessing, because I didn’t read the article. I don’t care.
Some movie was #1 at the box office this week. Last week a different movie was #1, but this week it slipped to #2. It’s the same story week after week. I know studio executives pay attention to the box office numbers, but I don’t care. Wanna know who goes to a lot of movies? Teenagers who are too young to drink and too old for the Disney Channel. Screw ‘em. I don’t care what movies they’re watching.
Carrie Prejean -- that woman who was against gay marriage (but in favor of opposite marriage) -- got fired as Miss California because she didn’t think it was important to show up at work. I’m glad. The fifteen-minutes-of-fame meter just expired on her pathetic career. I already have too many brain cells wasted on useless information about her and her fake boobs. Apparently Donald Trump’s vote of confidence in her was just a whim. Hey, here’s something to ponder: If Mike Tyson married Donald Trump in Vermont, who would I pity more? Come to think of it, I don’t really care.
OMG, that American Idol guy is gay! The guy who finished second in American Idol came out of the closet and announced that he’s gay. I guess those pictures of him kissing men in gay bars weren’t photoshopped. Someone somewhere said, "Oh good, the Christian guy beat the gay guy." The gay guy has a name like Ashton Kutcher or Aldrich Ames or Ambrose Burnside or Adam Sandler -- something that starts with the letter A. I think the gay guy has a great voice and a stage presence and he’ll make a lot of money in the future. I don’t know the name of the Christian guy with the above average voice. Because I don’t care.
Here are a few things I do care about:
The SCOTUS nomination. Sotomayor will be a great justice. And she’ll easily get confirmation. I hope. Cross your fingers.
Elections. The good guys won in Lebanon. Yay! There’s an excellent chance the good guys will win in Iran. And the Minnesota Supreme Court will probably decide that the good guy won the Minnesota Senate seat. When I say "good guy," I mean the guy I like better than the other guy. I think Obama’s Cairo speech has already affected the elections in Lebanon and Iran, if not Minnesota.
Universal Health Care for everyone all the time. We need to catch up with the rest of the world. Period.
Science. They recently found the bones of some evolutionary ancestor of humans. That was a cool story. Also, yesterday, BluePlatypus wrote an excellent diary about filtering wastewater, with lots of science that made sense. I hadn’t thought very much about wastewater, but once I started reading, I couldn’t stop. I love science and I love all the nerdy science girls on TV (Abby on "NCIS," Bones on "Bones," Penelope on "Criminal Minds"). Yeah, I know – you probably don’t care who I like on TV. It’s OK. We don’t have to care about the same things.
Global warming (more science). We need to do something soon before all the polar bears drown and the coastal cities flood. When that happens, the Republicans will say, "Hey, if we lower taxes, it will save the polar bears and the cities." Because Republicans were, are, and always will be idiots.
The Shooter in the Holocaust Museum. On Wednesday, I spent about two or three hours watching cable news (mostly CNN and MSNBC) and surfing the web, trying to learn more. Then I had to pull myself away and watch something easy, like "The Rockford Files" and play a mindless game on my computer.
Gay marriage. It’s basic civil rights. Even Dick Cheney is sort of in favor.
The point is, when people are talking about Mike Tyson, or the future of Twitter, or American Idol, or Shia LaBeouf (in French, it’s spelled B-O-E-U-F, you moron!), or Martha Stewart’s daughter’s show, or the price of underwear at WalMart, sometimes you just have to say, "I don’t care."
Anyone else want to rant about something they don’t care about?