Thanks to all who participated in yesterday's Daily Kos Kontest! I had so much goddamned fun reading all the entries that I literally laughed myself sick. I am not even kidding! My stomach hurt, I almost threw up, I cried tears of joy, and I ended up with the hiccups.
Best laughs I've had in ages! Also, the emotional support you guys provided me really made me grin like a lunatic. Y'all rock. :) And I hope that I gave some folks a place of fun, at least for a few, in this crazy and intense world we affectionately call The Great Orange Satan.
I would just like to say, at the outset, that choosing a winner was TOUGH! Tough, tough, tough - I spent over 3 hours deliberating and arguing with myself. :) I narrowed it down to 20, and that was really hard.
Alright, on with the show! Yesterday's Kontest Kwestion was:
Why did Orange Feet Dude break-up with me?
The most creative and funny answer WINS! either:
1. A date with me! (I'm bi, so I'm down with either sex, although I am certainly NOT PROMISING! any sex.), or, if you're not interested in that,
2. Various and sundry canned goods located in my townhouse. I'm broke, gimme a break.
- he thought you were too koi.
- He Couldn't Appreciate Your Passionate Sole
-- Dana Houle
- Orange Feet Dude broke up with you because he was pressing for the Pubic Option and you kept opposing him.
-- Rich in PA
- Okay I got it. he suffers from a rare mental condition called arantiapedaphobia and recently ran out of his meds. To make things worse for him, his fail at giving you a ride home resulted in his own break down. Arantiapedaphobia is no laughing matter and his guilt and your orange feet will haunt his dreams for years to come
- He was afraid the feet were just the beginning?
- He broke up with you because he is really gay. I mean, your feet didn't match your umbrella and they probably didn't match your hand bag.
- He could not see how you fit in with his plans to move back into his moms basement .
- He's a closet conservative. Sooner or later you would have discovered his "stash"- an original signed copy of Rush Limbaugh's first book, a DVD of "The best of Sean Hannity", a G. Gordon Liddy Limited Edition model pump-action shotgun, and a new-in-the package unworn pair of Clarence Thomas' daring, low-cut "legal briefs." Soon you'll be glad to be rid of him. Just think of the things he would have asked you to do with a Coke can.
- I'm guessing it was because you callously ignored his entreaties to "Turn those feet green Shiz" in support of Iran's green revolution. Instead, you were only interested in sensible shoes, however wet, and murdering that poor little umbrella.
-- Ernest T Bass
- orange feet dood had a problem with his truck
- Orange Feet Dude broke up with you, umm, because he felt defeeted.
- Orange Feed Dude (hereinafter OFD) broke up with you because: When he had to take that job in the silo, which took him away from you for three months, you forgot to feed his duck the special Purina Duck Chow he sent away for from that place in Albania that makes such good duck chow, which had required so many trips to the bank to get US dollars exchanged for Albanian Pesedados (since the economic meltdown, there's a per diem limit for dollar/pesadado exchange, and it's only the best, most expensive chow for OFD's beloved quacking pal), as a result of which, the duck, forced into depression from having to each shoots and leaves with inadequate omega-3 fatty acids, fell into a deep depression (too depressed even to flap, the fall caused deep bruising to her right dorsal webbing), and as a result of the mental anguish, fell in with a group of rogue pickpockets who disguised themselves as a variety of fowl to conceal their nefarious deeds, causing her to be arrested by the local constabulary and shipped to Guantanamo under the suspicion of being a domestic poultry terrorist.
- His best friend just got paroled from prison and they are getting back together .
- You weren't "Oompa Loompa" enough for him
- It is a known fact that all Orange Feet Dudes are nothing more that Congressman John Boehner in one of his many very clever disguises. He broke up with you because you insisted that he "go Green"---and after your canned-food comment (item 2, above), he thought you were hitting him up for some federal stimulus cash.
-- Liberal Panzer
- I blame Obama
- Try #3. Orange Feet Dude has a secret identity. He is really Barack Obama's secret research agent trying to find the weak points in the GOP's armor, so that the causes of marriage equality, abortion rights, and the utter destruction of the religious right can be brought to a successful conclusion. The morning he had to go to "work", he was really meeting with a double agent from Focus on the Family down in Colorado Springs. Who turned out to be a triple agent, and OFD's cover was blown. Knowing that the remorseless hunters of Opus Dei and the Dick Cheney Hunting Club were on his tail, he had to break it off with you for fear you'd be killed to get at him. It's really for your own good.
-- blue aardvark
(And as MsSpentyouth noted just after this post: "Sounds like a trailer for the next Matt Damon action thriller: 'The Bourne Kospiracy.'")
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Mistah Kottah! Mistah Kottah! I know this one! It's because you wouldn't stop going on and on and on about Craig Ferguson and how sexy he is. So finally he got tired of hearing about Ferguson all day and all night, so he decided to check him out to prove to himself that Ferg wasn't all that . . . Which explains the headlines in the gossip section of the New York Post, "Ferguson Seen Dancing At Disco With Orange-Footed Mystery Man." Ouch.
-- Omir the Storyteller
- irreconcilable difference with his username "Colorado is the Suckizzle"
AND THE #1 WINNER IS MSSPENTYOUTH!
- MsSpentyouth knows why. Innovative graphite mining techniques in post-Soviet industrial mining areas have led to the development of myriad new technologies in colored-pencil production. Armed with a broader and richer range of orange-"lead" pencils, many orange-footed individuals have engaged in nontraditional dating practices that are unfettered by conventional rites and guidelines for interpersonal relations. These breakthrough dating practices have had unintended consequences in broad swaths of society -- not the least of which is a rise in prevalence of Broken Orange Heart Syndrome. Without timely diagnosis and proper treatment, BOHS can lead to spontaneous blog posting, irretractable commenting, overzealous HR'ing, and (in extreme cases) unregulated keyboard fecundity resulting in dignity-threatening bloggorrhea. Patients are often recommended to abtain from Facebook and Twitter posts for 3-5 weeks, or until they have completed full treatment featuring a care package from a certified Registered Licensed Certified BFF. Such a care package is likely to contain handknitted toe-socks in various hues, two or three boxes of ultra-soft facial tissues, a stuffed beanie-baby kitten, five pounds of high-quality chocolate, moisturizer, and a mix tape featuring top hits from singer/songwriters who have not committed suicide yet.
MsSpentyouth also stated: "If Shiznit and I get DFA scholarships for NN09, I'll take the date and she can spend the time throwing the canned goods at me. That sounds fair, no? Is there no lovely parting gift, such as a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat?"
Works for me, honey! I'll see what I can do about the Rice-a-Roni. Man, now we just need some scholarships and shit. Details, details.
P.S. I'm a little bummed out, but overall, I'm really OK. I'm not going to tell you why he broke-up with me, but let's just say that I'm not allowed to fall in love with him because I have a kid.
P.P.S. Props go out to Marcion, who accurately reflected my views on virginity and chasteness in this manner:
"Obviously anybody who traveled for so far on a man's birthday gave it up. Believing anything else is just naive and irresponsible and sends the wrong message to our children not to give it up when the situation calls for it."
UPDATE! The winner responds:
"As for my magnificent prize (!!!), I'll ask that you donate the canned goods to a food pantry or call a local elementary or middle school to see if the have a "backpack buddy" type of program wherein kids get backpacks that teachers fill with food on Fridays so that low-income kids who rely on school lunches have something yummy to eat over the weekend."
MsSpentyouth, I will be more than happy to donate a ton of canned food to my local food bank. Excellent suggestion! I even wrote it on my To Do List for next week.