I have obtained from a secret source a document sent to all prospective GOP Presidential nominees for 2012. Its purpose is to determine the fitness of the politicians to seek the highest office in the land. As befits the all-business GOP, it gets immediately to the matter and stays current, right with the first question:
- The Appalachian Trail runs from:
A. Albany to Buffalo.
B. Georgia to Maine.
C. Lindbergh Terminal to Humphrey Terminal at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.
D. Paraguay to Tierra del Fuego.
The rest is below.
- Democrat is to taxes as Republican is to:
A. War.
B. Hypocrisy.
C. "No!"
D. All of the above.
- Four Republicans together equals a:
A. Barbershop quartet.
B. Quorum.
C. Sunday talk show lineup.
D. Witness list.
- You are offered a lock on re-election if you defect to the Democrats. You:
A. Ask for money for your re-election.
B. Ask for contributions to your leadership PAC.
C. Retire.
D. Waffle.
- You are the President. The phone rings at 3AM. Your first action is to:
A: Call Dick Cheney.
B. Pick up the phone.
C. Climb over your mistress and pick up the phone.
D. Roll over and go back to sleep.
- Republican is to talking points as Democrat is to:
A. Unions.
B. The poor.
C. Reform.
D. Governing.
- Federal funds to stimulate the economy are:
A. Good.
B. Bad.
C. Neither A nor B.
D. Both A and B.
- Rank from 1 through 7 the countries you would be most likely to bomb as President.
_ Syria.
_ Iran.
_ China.
_ Russia.
_ North Korea.
_ Venezuela.
_ Liechtenstein.
- Choose the best response.
A. I am a practicing Christian.
B. I am mostly a practicing Christian.
C. I am sometimes a practicing Christian.
D. I prefer not to discuss my deep and abiding Christianity.
- Teabagging is:
A. An effective form of protest against imperial Democrats.
B. One shot each of whiskey, tequila, rum, gin and Triple Sec, with sour mix and a float of cola.
C. Something not discussed in polite company.
D. A walk on the wild side.
- Paygo has been instituted, and you need to choose between health care reform and faith-based initiatives. You:
A. Shut down the government.
B. Blame the Democrats.
C. Consult with objective leaders such as Ralph Reed.
D. Bomb the top country in your answer to question 8.
- George W. Bush is to Bozo the Clown as:
A. Fair is to balanced.
B. Diapers are to sex.
C. Money is to power.
D. This is a trick question. I refuse to answer.
- Choose the best definition of bipartisan.
A. Republicans plus one Democrat out of office.
B. Republicans plus one Democrat in office.
C. Seventeen choruses of Kumbaya.
D. A null set.
- The nation's governors are conferencing in Washington. You are asked to speak to them about their most pressing concern. Your speech is about:
A. Gay marriage.
B. Eliminating the estate ("Death") tax.
C. Ethanol.
D. Secession.
- You need to tell a lie that the American public will believe. This is best accomplished through:
A. Fox News.
B. The Washington press corps.
C. The American Enterprise Institute.
D. All of the above.
- True or false: The theology of the Flying Spaghetti Monster should be taught in public schools.
A. True.
B. False.
C. This is a matter best left up to the individual states.
- Rush Limbaugh is:
A. A big fat idiot.
B. The voice of the Republican Party.
C. Just an entertainer.
D. The subject of my recent apology.
- Traditional marriage is under assault from:
A. The unmarried.
B. The unchurched.
C. Teh gays.
D. Me.
- Rank from 1 to 6 the following code words or phrases in order of importance:
_ Amnesty for illegal aliens.
_ Voter fraud.
_ Global War on TerrorTM.
_ Tax-and-spend.
_ Hardworking Americans.
_ Time with my family.
- The most important amendment(s) in the Bill of Rights is(are):
A. The Second.
B. The Tenth.
C. Both A and B.
D. Neither A nor B.
- Match each of the following names with its most accurate descriptor.
John Yoo Terrorist
John Bolton Patriot
Frank Luntz Super-Patriot
Barack Obama Oracle
Karl Rove Genius
- The thing(s) America most needs to know about Barack Obama is(are):
A. How much he smokes.
B. What it says on his real birth certificate.
C. Who his terrorist friends are.
D. All of the above.
...
My source was not able to locate the answer key, so you will have to guess what answers represent a suitable candidate for President from the GOP.