With the emergence of the very positive "Obama Doctrine," I thought it good if we took a look back at how far we've come from the "cowboy diplomacy" days of George W. Bush.
Whether in Prague, Cairo, or Moscow, what we are witnessing is the emergence of a new era in U.S.-Foreign policy. What is already being heralded as "The Obama Doctrine", a philosophy marked by adherence to democratic norms, universals in law and rights, and reparation of U.S. reputation abroad, stands in stark contrast to George W. Bush's "cowboy diplomacy."
Let's take a few moments and look back at those cowboy days as they might have transpired in a speech made by Uncle Sam himself.
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Distinguished puppets-of-State, dictators, presidents, and kings; sheiks and various clerics; large landholders, primary commodity-exporters, and other emerging business elites; peasants, neo-surfs, and other underlings of the developing world and Middle East. It is my intention today to inform you of the way things ARE, plain and simple, and in English, plain English.
First, on the matter of international peace: I wish to inform you that MY country can have Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles and short-range nukes, and weapons in space besides. But none of you people can have them, with a few exceptions that We, the United States of America, decide upon. That We are the only nation to have ever actually USED nukes against people, and that We have annihilated whole cities therewith, is not a matter for your concern. That We can plunge the whole planet into a death of nuclear winter is also not your concern. Americans are a very peace-loving people, and always have been.
And yes, We used biological and chemical weapons during WWII, Vietnam, and against certain Panamanians when We restored democracy there in the 1980s—actually, We deny all the charges!—actually, I think I need to get with my handlers again on this one. At any rate, this is none of your concern, since We can do what We want either way, and there is nothing you people can do about it.
So, We have all these weapons, and a record of using them, but—but!—you other nations, you all can only have guns, a few tanks and other munitions, and if We allow it, missiles that can fire half-way across your own country or so. Why? Because We want it that way. Beyond this, I will only say that We want to ensure that you all cannot converge to bring a balance of power against Us, and that if push ever comes to shove, you are defenseless before our troops. We have to watch after our boys in uniform, you know.
By the way, WE have the largest military in the world.
Second, on the matter of diplomacy: Regarding the United Nations, We declare that it is legitimate when it suits and bends to our interests, and illegitimate when it does not. Same with all the international courts. So don't pin any hopes on these institutions. Besides, We can always withdraw our membership from the U.N., and kick the whole mess of whiners out of our sovereign territory under international, er, our national laws, and that will be that. Besides, We have smaller, more pliable international organizations through which we can determine your future.
Also, if you so-called "weaker" nations ever want to have a voice about any of these matters with Us in a public forum, where the public can hear everything laid out (such as in an internationally televised debate), We will dismiss such a proposal as "meaningless." Why? Because We say it is.
Third, on matters of economic development: You should know by now that our Trans-National Corporations have long been in bed with Us, since THEIR income is what fuels so much of OUR income. So, open your countries wide to their will, because if you do not, you will get the "or else" from Us. As for the Breton Woods Institutions--yes, it is true that We control them, but there is nothing you can do about it, and We WILL stop you if you try. We have to defend our way of life, after all. As an aside, let me add that certain of you people are sheer PRUDES to think our corporations’ products degrade your societal morality in any way. Americans are a very principled and upright people, and always have been.
What silly "neo-colonialism" rhetoric you people have! It has done NOTHING but hold you all back! When will you realize that your countries' so-called "unique way of life" is inferior to ours? Get with the program! If you are underdeveloped, it is YOUR fault. So, I'd suggest that, after our talk, you all go have a loooong hard look at yourselves in the mirror. Self-reflection on one's past actions is very good, ya' know, and it can lead to you people making any needed changes in your policies.
Barring your speedy and outright compliance to our economic development plans for your countries, you should know that We also have some "quiet," even "clean" ways of ensuring it. We will do things covertly to put your countries in bad spots—come into your "house," kick over the table, rearrange the furniture, take down the names of your children, and sometimes even re-name your wife (or wives, as the case may be). Meanwhile, outside, We will ensure that no one in your "neighborhood" will help you out of your new plight. Then, when you want to fix the mess We made, you will have one of two options: either come to Us for help, or go to some Evil State in the world. If you choose Us—well, you are acting wisely, because Americans are a very benevolent and generous people, and always have been. That is why We give so much foreign aid to you people, even though the messes you are in are of your own doing. Foreign aid is essential for you all, because through it, We have been able over the years to carve out nice chunks of new sovereignty for ourselves on your territories, as well as to keep you in a cycle of perpetual debt and dependence on Us. We require your cheap labor and primary export commodities to maintain our strong nation, after all. And while I am on this, let me add a quick word of thanks to your countries’ few elites who are helping Us maintain things this way. My Country pledges close and continued ties with you, and will ensure that your expropriation of profits continues. To sum up, I am sure that you people can see by now that We will ensure your compliance to our demands either by hook or by crook. So, which one will it be? Oh! And if you choose to turn to some Evil State for help, instead of to Our benevolent and generous one—well, I cannot see any possible reason why you people would want to go and do that sort of fool-thing.
What silly "neo-imperialism" rhetoric you all have! You all are prefectly free to do what We want! We assure it! As an aside, let me mention that you all should watch your national pride levels very carefully, so they do not get too high. WE are certainly watching them anyway.
Did you know that We have the LARGEST military in the world?
Fourth, on matters of political leadership, democracy, and civil society: I would point out that if you ever want examples of political leaders, duly elected or otherwise, who We have made ash-heaps out of through the years for standing up to Us in various ways, just let Us know. Though many of their foolish misdeeds are a matter of public record by now, We can provide lots of names and book titles upon request. These former leaders' sorry stories may give considerable pause to you and your civil society groups over any non-compliant actions they might be thinking about and help dissuade such revolutionary activities. As well, this historical recounting will help keep your militaries and their guns focused where they should be—upon your own people—and help motivate proper vote casting in your countries, or your leaders’ adherence to our wishes either way. Never mind the trillions of dollars We have given over the years to dictators who were corrupt and murderous to the core, that is none of your business. America is the world’s beacon of hope and democracy, and always has been.
Finally, I wish to cast a vision for future international cooperation: You should note that We have acted the way We have over several score and some-odd additional years—even longer in Latin America and a few other places. So, to any of you who may be thinking about removing yourself from our control in any way, or anything like that at all in any measure, you had better think twice—three times, even! Simply put, you had better darn be compliant to Us, or else! Our sovereignty within your territories is there to stay, so you may as well just decide to get over that fact right here and now. America is a great force for good in the world, and always has been.
And think of the benefits of compliance! Did I mention that We have the largest MILITARY in the world? You are either with us...or against us!
I now close.
My country, my red, white and blue, which I have faithfully represented for so long; We, the United States of America, can have all that I have said We can have, and do all that I have said We can do. Why? Because we can.
After all, it is We who have the power, not you. And We WILL keep it that way...We will KEEP it that way...We will keep it THAT way...FOREVER.
I leave you people with one final word to think about as you prepare to go back to our, er, your countries: We have the largest military IN THE WORLD, and We just love to scratch our Military Industrial Complex’s itch for new contracts.
May the world’s shining beacon of hope and democracy ever shine brighter and brighter, and LET FREEDOM RING! Thank you, AND GOD LEGITIMATES AMERICA!
I will be taking no questions, but the State Department will now generously offer you carrot-snacks in the foyer area.