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Well, not really.... But enough.

You see, I was working on a project near and dear to my heart. Outside, with the sun shining, tools glistening, birds chirping.

Well, you know how it is. On a hot day, when you're working hard, there's nothing quite like a frosty beer to keep you going.

Warning: unsubstantial diary beneath the fold!

I completed my project and I am proud. I came in to the house to grab a bite to eat, but there's not a whole lot of food here. The missus, who is supportive but mildly disapproving of the cost associated with my project, is taking an afternoon nap.

I picked up the book I'm reading (My Lobotomy, a poorly written but otherwise interesting story about a normal boy who was unwittingly a victim of this practice) but I couldn't focus. Because I'm drunk just buzzed enough that my mind wanders like crazy. (Hey! That reminds me of the time I was put in the mental slammer!)

Tried the Wii.

Tried playing my guitar.

Shockingly, my hand/eye coordination doesn't seem to be up to the task. Speaking of which, it may have taken me two hours to type all of the above.

Soooo... I'm writing a drunk diary. I ask you to indulge and entertain me for a moment. In return, I'll share a few embarrassing stories that only a drunk would tell in public.

Embarrassing story number one:

My mother was once taking a bath when my oldest niece joined her in the bathroom. She was about three at the time. She looked for a long time at my mother's chest, then looked at her own.

"Gwamma... Why are your boobies and mom's boobies and Aunt BoiseBlue's boobies big and mine are little?"

"Because," my mother said "you're a little girl. When you're a big girl you'll have them too."

"But will they be big?"

Mom laughs. "I don't know sweetie, but that doesn't really matter."

Three year old niece gets a thoughtful look, sighs, and says "Well, I hope they're more like yours when I'm bigger."

Again, laughter. "Why?"

"Because. Yours are reaaalllly long."

Mom said that later, when she got out of the tub and was drying off, when she flipped her head down to dry her hair and her boobs nearly gave her a concussion, my niece gave a look that made her reconsider whether longness was a trait she wanted.

Embarrassing drunk story number two:

My nephew is at my house when my boss decides to drop by for some reason. Scratch that. Not my boss, my boss's boss. We're making small talk while my nephew is sitting between us, reading a book.

Boss: What are you reading there?

Nephew: Oh, a book about what sign I am.

Boss: Oh, neat. What sign are you?

Nephew: I'm a Virgo.

Boss: Oh my! So am I!

Nephew: Yep. And My dad is a Gemini, and my brother is a Pisces.

Boss: Oh, those are good signs! What is your aunt BoiseBlue?

Nephew: She's a lesbian.


I could go on, but in the time it's taken me to write this I managed to knock back another beer. So the floor is yours. Share with me, fellow drunks!

Originally posted to Le Bois de Bleu on Sat Jul 11, 2009 at 05:40 PM PDT.


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