I woke up an hour or so ago to the sound of my wife being quite unhappy -- the way she gets not even every month but every few months -- because someone had stolen two of our potted plants from outside our apartment.
Now, I realize (after the nice police officer came over, took down our information and gave us his card with our case number on it) you did this probably so you could resell the pots for drug money.
Yes, I am completely serious. Why, you steal five or six $20 pots and sell them for 10 percent of their value and you have enough money for a dime bag.
But here's the tiny problem with what you did:
YOU STOLE THE WRONG KIND OF POT!
The wrong kind of weed, too!
I picture you, kids with no future, as the sort who will walk into a convenience store and make out with a six-pack of soda, then go to your dealer and brag about how you got your fix, show him the soda and then be embarrassed when he tells you that's the wrong kind of coke.
The kind of idiots, not unlike the mass unwashed around here who don't graduate from high school (and we have a lot of kids 'round here who don't graduate), who will go to the library, steal a book with a bunch of numbers and equations and such and then find out, when you're trying to burn it to get high, that you stole MATH and not METH.
The kind of people who will throw stones at any kind of house waiting for them to break so you'll have ... a cracked rock.
People who will buy insoles and sniff them thinking they are uppers.
People who think repeatedly coming back to one conversation topic is what reefer madness is all about.
Because while those giant pots our neighbors have (and many of our neighbors have them) will go for $10 on the street -- where there apparently is quite the black market for giant pots --
The pots you took from us were very small.
And one of them was hand-painted. So it's pretty easy to pick out of a lineup.
Especially if my wife, who painted it when she was 12 (before she was my wife, natch), happens to see it somewhere.
Because honestly, the way she was going on this morning ...
Question heard most an hour ago: "WHO THE HELL STEALS PLANTS? PLLLLLLANTS? THINGS IN POTS? YOU CAN'T EVEN HAWK THEM! THEY'RE NOT EXPENSIVE, LIKE CAR STEREOS! THEY'RE ... PLLLLLLANTS!" Alas, my test-taking skills were no match for that question, so I did my dutiful husband routine and did not laugh while she transitioned from dead- (and iampunha-)waking sobs to having me call the police.
Oh, and the other absolutely moronic thing about what you idiots did ... you took a pot with a spider plant in it.
If you'd wanted your own spider plant, you could have simply taken part of the plant, left the pot for us (BECAUSE IT'S THE WRONG KIND OF POT FOR RESELLING OR FOR SMOKING) and spared my wife the heartbreak of being robbed of the plant her mother gave her more than five years ago now.
Yeah, she can just get another pot. Yeah, she has a second spider plant. Yeah, she can go back to seventh grade and hand paint another pot. (We'll just tell the teacher she's big-boned.)
Oh, and yeah, we're keeping our pots inside from now on. So you'll have to take someone else's pot next time.