(Diarist's note: Satire, unfortunately.)
NEW YORK CITY — MSNBC television personality and occasional "Countdown" host David Shuster has announced that he has taken a job as a professional straw tester/spokesman following unexpected correspondence with a multinational straw manufacturer after he lost a bet with a fellow MSNBC personality.
"We had this bet about a certain news event, and I lost," Shuster said after breathing in deeply, "so I said, 'OK, I'll go contact this company and offer my services.'
"So I sent them a video of myself breathing in before various takes of the news, and to my complete surprise, they responded to my solicitation."
Shuster's last day at MSNBC will be Sept. 1.
Shuster's unusual breathing has attracted both fans and fanatical haters, with Web sites like stopbreathingsoharddavidshuster.com and breatheonmedavid.com becoming popular sites for both sides of this question:
Do you like to hear David Shuster breathe in so pointedly?
"I was a premature ejaculator until I heard David Shuster breathe in like he was eating spaghetti on-air," said Justin Pikes, a contributor to the former Web site. He says his relationship with his girlfriend has improved drastically because his sexual function is so much better.
"Now, any time I'm about to come before my girlfriend is satisfied, I just think about David Shuster breathing in really hard, and I'm good for a few more minutes. And then every few minutes after that until she can't take anymore, I just get that annoying breath going in my mind and I can really enjoy the intimacy."
Pikes' girlfriend declined to comment for this article.
Amanda Willoughby, who founded breatheonmedavid.com, says Shuster's signature breathing pattern hooked her from the start.
"You're sitting there, listening to a commercial on the TV," Willoughby explained, "and these cable news stations are already so commercial that you sometimes, especially with CNBC, can't tell the difference between the programming and the ads, so it's nice to have someone sort of breathe in sharply so you know you're about to get the news. It's like his theme music. One sharp, deep breath in, and then you get your news."
But the issue of liking or disliking the sound of Shuster's breathing has not meant a complete divide between the two camps, as evidenced by the video tribute members of the sites were preparing before a copyright lawsuit shut them down.
"We were putting together a video of the various tones of David's breaths in, sort of like that CD of dogs barking Christmas Carols," Willoughby said. "This was going to be Breathless Carols -- that's the name we had for it -- and we were about halfway done with it, and we were posting snippets of the videos on the two Web sites, getting some really positive and humorous results, and then I guess someone sent some of the threads and videos to MSNBC, and the next thing we get is some corporate communications person asking us to refrain from using copyrighted video for commercial purposes."
Shuster said his work at the straw company will be divided into two primary functions: testing straws and doing commercials.
"Some straws are made pretty weak, and sometimes you want to suck something pretty viscous through a straw. Well, if people have any doubts about their straw or what they're about to ingest, I'm there to assure them they'll be getting their money's worth.
"So I may be leaving the world of broadcast journalism," Shuster concluded before drawing his trademark sharp breath in, "but I can guarantee ... you haven't heard me take my last breath, Kossacks."