(Get ready for 10 pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag ... carefully balanced on a teaspoon.)
NEW YORK CITY — FOX News has reportedly finished filming a one-hour segment that will be played once televised general House of Representatives debate regarding the health care reform bill begins.
The segment will lead into FOX's continuous coverage of the debate -- a discussion being framed as "the most important discussion on American soil since 1776."
In the segment, and in subsequent discussions, FOX news anchors will reportedly cast the issue as not focused on health and wellness but one focused on the notion that this bill will remove from Americans basic rights such as personal freedom, doctor-patient confidentiality and even freedom of speech.
What follows is a transcript of a portion of the hourlong segment, which is co-anchored by Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck.
(Get me drunk some day and I'll tell you two things: First, I don't get drunk. Second, I'm not sure, from a literary perspective, that it's possible to do Glenn Beck and have it be an obvious parody. This is a man who could utter Noam Chomsky's famous "Colorless green ideas sleep furiously" and make one wonder how furious he sincerely thought the clouds were.)
HANNITY: "America is under attack."
BECK: "America is under attack, and it is under attack as we speak."
HANNITY: "But the enemy is not al-Qaida, it is not fundamentalist Islamic jihadists, it is not abortionists, homosexuals or liberals."
BECK: "America is under attack, and the enemy is America's own Democrat, pro-socialism government. Just seconds ago, a bill was introduced on the floor of the House of Representatives that would represent the single greatest encroachment on American privacy in history, and would put the government in the business of getting between patients and their doctors."
HANNITY: "And we here at FOX News believe it's the greatest affront to freedom since the end of the tyranny we defeated in the American Revolution."
BECK: "In the hours and days to come, we will find out if America will remain strong, proud and free or if governmental tyranny -- a medical monarchy -- will descend upon this great nation and plunge her recklessly into a liberal socialist nightmare from which we may never recover."
HANNITY: "If you are as worried about this affront to all that makes America the greatest, best country God ever gave the earth, call 1-800-FOX-NEWS -- 1-800-369-6397 -- and ask for the Freedom Desk. That'll direct you to a list of people who will tell you who your congressional representative is, who your senators are, and give you their phone numbers so you can call them and tell them to vote against the most serious threat to American liberty in our lifetime."
BECK: "And possibly anyone else's."
HANNITY: "That's right, Glenn. Or, if you know who's working for you in Washington, send them a message and then call in and let us know what you said. To reach us here at the studio, call 1-800-FRE-EDOM, or 1-800-373-3366. Or you can e-mail us at freedom@foxnews.com or comment on our Freedom Message Board, fox.com/freedom. We want to know how you feel about this tyranny, and we want to keep you informed on how close we are to losing the last, best thing about America: its freedom."
BECK: "Now, Sean, for the benefit of our viewers who may not have gotten a close look at the history of government-run health care, I've put together a short list of some examples of what happens when government takes over health care. First: In the 1860s, as part of the Union effort in the Civil War --"
HANNITY: "That'll be the War of the Northern Aggression for some of our more conservative Southern viewers --"
BECK: "Right. But the key is that Abraham Lincoln ordered that field hospitals be set up close to the front line so soldiers could get treated for their wounds. Union soldiers only, of course. And wouldn't you know it, more soldiers died from postoperative infections, disease and immoral living with some atheist nurses than from actually being shot."
HANNITY: "Seems to me that side of things would have been better off letting the soldiers just tend to their own wounds and wait until marriage to start making families."
BECK: "Exactly, Sean. And here's another example: When President Walter McKinley was shot, government doctors came to his quote 'aid,' and two months later, he died, despite the intervention on behalf of the government of Alexander Graham Bell, whose metal detector couldn't find the bullet. I bet if the president had been seen by a primary care physician instead of Dr. Bureaucrat, he would have been just fine."
HANNITY: "So government-run health care essentially caused the slow and painful death of an American president."
BECK: "Exactly, Sean. And here's one more. You've heard of Socko and Fonzaretti? They murdered a man back in 1914. And they were Italian immigrants. And as we all know, Italy was socialist at that time. Socialist government, socialist medicine. And look what it caused. The anti-Italian sentiment their murder caused is now seen by many prominent historians as a major factor leading to our involvement in World War I."
HANNITY: "Glenn, that's a fascinating look at the historical perils of socialized medical care."
BECK: "And here's something one of my staffers pointed out to me: In every case when a president has tried to implement socialist medicine, that president has had links to hatred of white people."
HANNITY: "Really? For example."
BECK: "For example, in the civil war, or ... whatever else you may call it, you had a white president forcing white people into the army to fight for other people's black workers. Forcing white people to fight for blacks. That seems pretty anti-white to me."
HANNITY: "And weren't the black workers the ones asking for reparations? Seems to me they should have been happy they were set free."
BECK: "Seems that way to me, too. And here's another one: Franklin Roosevelt, who by most accounts was responsible for the length of the Great Depression because of his embrace of socialism in the so-called 'New Deal,' had as his vice president one Harry Truman, who as you may know desegregated the military in 1949, forcing white soldiers --"
HANNITY: "Again with forcing white soldiers to do something, with these anti-white politicians, sort of politicizing the army and not leaving military decisions to the commanders on the ground."
BECK: "Yes, and then the next president, a Republican, had to enforce that, frankly, racist, anti-white policy on the part of Truman, which was part of the beginning of all this mixed-race stuff we have going on today."
HANNITY: "And that was 1949, you said?"
BECK: "1949."
HANNITY: "So after D-Day. So Truman didn't put the black soldiers up with the white ones until all the heavy fighting was over. Just sort of said, OK, you white soldiers, you've beaten the Nazis, now you have to deal with these angry black men."
BECK: "Now you know why so many people thought Dewey would defeat Truman."
HANNITY: "Now I'm beginning to wish a little more that he had!"
BECK: "Right! And then, last point on these anti-white presidents: In the 1960s, you had another white-hater, Lyndon Johnson, who held the Senate hostage while some radical black men, like Malcolm X and the Nation of Islam, all those militant blacks, took away yet more states' rights by making the federal government intervene in local voting."
HANNITY: "Local voting issues. Just, local elections. Something the federal government should have no interest in being part of. You know, if there was such a problem, that's nothing you can't take up at a city council meeting."
BECK: "And something else about Lincoln, Roosevelt and Johnson, something else to think about."
HANNITY: "Yes, something very quick before we get to this bill?"
BECK: "Did any of them ever produce a birth certificate?"
HANNITY: ::speechless:: "I think you may have something there, Glenn. I really think you may have -- I have not seen a birth certificate for any of those presidents. That's a really great point. And historically, it does seem like presidents who have pushed for socialist medical care, for this really radically anti-white agenda, would really have the most reason to prove they're not from Kenya or India, two predominantly ... minority countries -- or France --"
::both laugh::
BECK: "Yeah, France is a big one. That's where socialism was born -- or, as the French would call it, leuh freedom! Haha!"
HANNITY: "Good one, Glenn!"
BECK: "Thanks, Sean! So, back now to the subject of this socialized medicine in this bill, let's discuss for our viewers, who may not be aware, what's so destructive about this bill."
HANNITY: "Excellent idea, Glenn. And here to discuss the legislation with us is former House speaker and current FOX News political analyst Newt Gingrich. Newt, how are you tonight?"
GINGRICH: "Sean, Glenn, good evening, and I'm absolutely sick at this news. This -- what the president and this Democrat socialist Congress and Senate are doing is not only incredibly destructive from a practical perspective, but it's just a punch in the gut to anyone who really cherishes liberty. What this bill does is basically tax anyone making any kind of money and give it to the government so a bunch of Washington bureaucrats, liberal pencil pushers, can then force medical decisions on hardworking Americans, white Americans, real, white, hardworking men and women who won't get to make those decisions for themselves."
HANNITY: "Newt, I'm being told we have a caller, a Sandy from Marion, Alabama. Sandy, are you there?"
SANDY: "I'm here, Sean, and I'm roaring mad. What in the HELL do these politicians think they're doing? Who woke up and made them God? This is the ... I mean, I can't think of a time I was more furious and more angry and more just ... PO'ed at my government! They're doing all the things liberals do, and they're parading it around like a bunch of drunken frat boys after a panty raid! This is just the most shameful, anti-American ... just ... damn! I can't even think of the words to describe how angry I am! And this president, this man who calls himself a Christian, boy, you better believe I didn't vote for him! I don't even think he's an American citizen, so what is he doing messing with Americans and our health care? He ought to go back to Kenya and work with all the AIDS babies."
HANNITY: "Thank you, Sandy from Marion, for calling in and sharing your concerns with us. Well, Newt, your reaction to what Sandy just said?"
GINGRICH: "I think I'd rather have her as speaker of the House right now than that Pelosi woman, who just does not get that one of the fundamentally great things about this country is the freedom we have! And if you raise taxes and you ration care and you turn health care over to these government types, you might as well just call this the United Socialism of America, because that's what it's going to be! It is going to be socialism, make no mistake about it, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a damn fool or a damn liar."
BECK: "Newt, in your experience working to save America from socialism, what can people do if they're watching this broadcast and they want to really show their dedication to this country by getting more involved in the process?"
HANNITY: "Hold that thought, Newt, we've got a caller with a similar question. George from Gaithersburg, you're on the air."
GEORGE: "Thanks for taking my call, Sean, Glenn. Mr. Gingrich, how are you?"
GINGRICH: "I'm a lot better now that we're taking some calls from real, patriotic Americans, George."
GEORGE: "Well, I do my part, Mr. Speaker, and it's like Senator Lott said a few years ago: If you ask me, we wouldn't have all these problems now if we still had you leading the way on America's agenda. Listen, I'm calling because I'm in Gaithersburg, and that's ... I have two Democrat senators, so there's no hope there, but my congressman, Roscoe Bartlett, he's a real straight shooter, he says he'll do everything he can to stop this piece of communist crap. But I want to know, one man to another, is there anything I can do in person to stop this bill from going through?"
GINGRICH: "In person?"
GEORGE: "In person."
GINGRICH: "Drive down to Washington and let Congress know how you feel."
GEORGE: "Thank you very much, Mr. Gingrich. I've been wanting to do that since the beginning, but my wife told me I wouldn't be able to get in. ::click::"
HANNITY: "Now, I'm all for personally representational government, but Newt, are you seriously suggesting that people drive to the district and protest this in person?"
GINGRICH: "What better way is there? Listen, all this technology you guys were talking about before, it's a great way to communicate with people quickly or on the go or whatever, but the most effective thing anyone ever did to get a message to me when I was in the House was to come to me, man to man or woman to man, and tell me what was up in their life. That way you've really got the attention of the person your tax dollars pay to be there for you."
BECK: "Wow. What a ... bold call, Newt. Go to Washington. Go be a part of this democratic process."
HANNITY: "Go be a part of the democratic process and stop the Democrat Party from taking a legislative dive head first into socialism."
GINGRICH: "Go now. Drive now. Park wherever you can find space, and just agitate and demand to be heard. Remember that you have the right to peaceable assembly. So long as you don't break any laws, nobody can do anything to you. And if they, if some D.C. rent-a-cop tries to prevent you from entering the Capitol building, which is where America's future is being decided even as we speak, then assert your rights as an American any way you can think of."
HANNITY: "Any way?"
GINGRICH: "The stakes couldn't be higher, Sean. Anything anyone can do at this point to stop Democrats from legislating away America's freedom can only be for the good of our country and our future."
BECK: "You heard it from the former House speaker himself, ladies and gentlemen. Get yourselves down to Washington and stop Congress from socialising ... from making America a complete and total socialist state. Or do you want to be calling me Comrade Beck?"
HANNITY: "Powerful words, Glenn."
BECK: "The future of our country is at stake. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing is worth more to me than my freedom as an American. Go now, ladies and gentlemen. Don't call us. Go to Washington and stop this thing from happening. This bill must not pass! If we are to retain any freedom -- any at all -- this bill must not pass! It's socialism, it's tyranny, it's taxation without representation, it's ... evil! Pure anti-American evil from the most tyrannical political party since the Nazis! How can we stand for this? I'm going! Right now! Who's with me? Sean?"
HANNITY: "Glenn, we have a show to do to ... educate people on how they can --"
BECK: "Yeah, great, anyone can sit and read a teleprompter. Even the president can do that. Who's with me? Newt! Newt, you must know a back alley or a secret passage the slaves used to use, something so we can sneak into the Capitol and really put these socialists in their place."
GINGRICH: "Glenn, I think right now ... I think your producer is telling me we're going to commercial."
BECK: "NO COMMERCIAL! FREEDOM IS AT STAKE! DON'T YOU CUE THAT COMMERCIAL, FRED! Come on, people! Obama and the Democrats are coming to take our guns and our lives and our freedom! Who's with me, for Christ's sake? Camera guy! What's your name? Luisa? Luisa ... nah, I need someone more American-sounding. You over there! Fat guy! Who are you? Ellen? Ellen! Are you with me? What? You'll lose your health insurance if you walk off the job? Ellen, one American to another, what's more important to you, your health insurance or your freedom? What? You're pregnant? You ... what's more important to you, your baby's freedom or his health? It's a girl? Well, do you want her to be free when she grows up? What? You want her to grow up healthy physically and mentally? PEOPLE! IT'S TIME TO GO! WE HAVE TO GO TO WASHINGTON TO STOP THE MADNESS!"
::GLENN BECK runs off the set::
HANNITY: "We'll be back in a minute with Newt, another guest and an update on the health care bill. Coming up next: Will this health care bill discriminate against white Christians? There's an interesting amendment added to the bill by Keith Ellison, the Islamic congressman, that you won't want to miss."
::Cut to commercial::