Over the last few days, I had been getting more and more copies of a hateful, wingnutty chain email. I finally decided to respond. Below is what I wrote.
YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
• Well, then you should probably be in jail, or at least have a spanking.
I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
• Oh, of course, since "liberal" and "progressive" are the same thing, and they make some kind of sense when strung together with a hyphen. By the way, good job on finding the shift key; adding emphasis to every word via capitalization totally didn’t get old in third grade.
I am an American.
• Didn’t we establish that in the first one? Hard to be a bad American if you aren’t an American.
I am a Master Mason and believe in God.
• What does this even mean? Master Mason? Is that like a superhero or something? Or are we talking about the freemasons here? You know, the liberal group that believed in representative government and an end to rule by fiat. I admire your willingness to own your faith in a chain email. Especially one you didn’t sign.
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
• I don’t know if you can really "believe" in something that is a tangible bit of property, like a product. You can believe in the Easter Bunny, God, or Narnia, but I don’t know that you can believe in a Harley-Davidson when it’s right in front of you. That’s just lazy.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
• I have Republican friends that would be outraged that you just called them liberal. But remember that your money belongs to when you wake up in the morning to your alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. Then you can take a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, you can turn on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration has determined the weather will be using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. If you can multitask, you can even watch this while eating your breakfast of United States Department of Agriculture-inspected food and taking the prescription medicines which have been determined to be safe for your use by the Food and Drug Administration. At the appropriate time of day as regulated by the U.S. Congress through daylight savings time and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, you can then get into your National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile (or Harley-Davidson) and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school. After work, you can drive your NHTSA-approved car back home on the DOT-maintained roads to your house, which has not burned down in your absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspections and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department. You can then log on to the Internet, which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right. – (Adapted from multiple anonymous sources on the Internet)
• You can keep your tax money just as soon as you agree to give ALL of that up. Agreed? Good. That’ll be less traffic on the DOT-maintained roads.
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
• You’re both in touch with your feelings and absolutely positive that I want to hear them. Thanks. I’m glad we’re having this talk.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
• And when you or yours are injured by the gun, as is 83% more likely than for you to use it to protect your family in any meaningful way, be sure to tell them how smart it was. Unless you are talking about a hunting rifle, in which case, make sure to keep the gun and the rounds locked up. Separately.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!
• Congratulations! You’re a racist!
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
• Exactly where is this a problem? I’m guessing no one outside of the southeast has ever run into this problem. Si tú tiene una problema con la lengua del cajero del restaurante, compre sus hamburguesas en otros lugares. (Translation: if you have a problem with the language of the restaurant’s cashier, buy your hamburgers elsewhere).
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God...
• Finally we agree about something.
...when and where they want to.
• But it was shortlived. There are rules regulating when religion can be practiced, such as when they are sponsored by the government or in schools, because not everyone is the same religion. If you have irrefutable proof of yours, though, I’ll jump on your bandwagon.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.
• Again with the capitalization. I’m assuming Willie G. Davidson is a really cool robot, since if it were a person, the phrase would have to go "...Willie G. Robinson WHO makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles."As far as the others, well, John Wayne was an ACTOR, Roy Rogers was an ACTOR, and Babe Ruth was a BASEBALL PLAYER. You need to get some better role models. I hear Ronald Reagan is very cool right now to people of your persuasion.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
• We agree again.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!
• Astute. However, slavery has left indelible impacts on our society, as evidenced in your crack about minorities above. Slavery, witch burning, and persecution of all types (the Turks? Really!?) are about raising the status of one group at the expense of others. Poor southern whites in the years prior to the civil war didn’t benefit personally from slavery, but they supported slavery because even though some African-Americans and former slaves had more money than they did, they were still "better" because they weren’t black. Or Chinese, in California. Or Mexican, in Texas. Or Irish, in New York. Really, name your group, and it happened. Except for early immigrant groups of whites.
So, shut up already.
• Oh, I wish I could.
I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
• I don’t like the way things are here. Where do I go to? I’m Scandinavian, but not for about ten generations back. Plus I hate lutefisk. I know, I have some German in me. I could go there!
This is AMERICA ...We like it the way it is!
• Then you are part of a shrinking minority of less that 30% of the population. What’s it like to be a minority? Better stop complaining and feeling victimized and get over it!
If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
• That’s tough. I don’t think there are really any socialist countries out there right now. China is loosely communist and Cuba is a dictatorship. Any suggestions? Preferably far from anyone that believes what is in this chain email.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
• Hmmm, that sounds like a gross invasion of privacy. How about a trade? I’ll give you that info when you give me your annual salary amount, Social Security Number, and underwear size. Sound fair?
Can I get an AMEN on that one?
• I actually don’t want to know your underwear size. But amen, if you want to share.
I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
• So long as you are actually committing a crime, go for it. And trumped-up disorderly conduct/not respecting the cops charges are not crimes. In fact, they violate freedom of speech and sometimes freedom of assembly. But just because you pulled me over doesn’t mean you get to search me, my passengers, or my car.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver’s license.
• Ummmm... is this really a problem?
I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.
• Well, it’s been there for so long that it would cost a ridiculous amount of money to fix the money, which is ironic. Also, the use of "God" on the money equates to ceremonial deism, which means that it has been used to the point where its place on money carries no spiritual value unless you are looking for it. If you are looking for spiritual meaning on money, I propose you are looking in the wrong place.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
• Too bad it doesn’t work that way. A little thing called the Constitution doesn’t agree with you.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.
• Give ‘em a donation and I guarantee they go away.
Get a Job and do your part!
• Hooray for RandOm caPitalIZatiOn!! Seriously, I don’t even know what this means.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
• As someone who spent a large amount of time being raised by a single mom, I find this personally offensive. Seriously, go to hell.
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
• Funny, that’s what lawyers are taught too!
I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !
• So no state flags, no flags with college names on them, no flags with sports team logos on them, no irises (commonly called "flags"), no flag-stones, no $5,000 chips (especially the red, white, and blue one used at the Bellagio), no copies of "Flag," the album by James Taylor. Keep going. Want to ban stripes too?
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
• So go to your room.
If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
• Especially the ones you know it will offend.
We want our country back!
• You had it for eight years, and did your best to destroy it. When we said things like this, you said we were un-patriotic or that we hate America. Kind of you. Now it’s our turn. Sit down, shut up, and fasten your seatbelts.
We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!
• Seriously, 9/16 of an inch was all you needed to reach to turn off caps lock. Next time, exert yourself.
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!
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Okay, that was fun and all, but do the people that forward this stuff along have any idea how offensive this stuff is? The writer of this manages to be racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, and just plain mean in about two dozen lines. That takes some real talent. Good work. But what you all need to realize is that by forwarding it on, you are not only making these ‘-ists’ persist, you make yourself look the same way. I know that the people forwarding this stuff do so because they think it’s "funny" or "smart" or even "edgy." Next time, look in the mirror to see if you feel the message in the email represents your personal beliefs and you are willing to adopt its sentiments as your own.
And above all, think before you forward. Especially to those that you KNOW will be offended by the message and have the free time to write a response.