It was a most popular sport and fitness activity.
Billions of people around the world do it.
Men, women, even children.
People did it with their dogs.
It was encouraged
But then the new research came in.
We must ban running.
You see, running may appear really healthy for a person, a great cardiovascular exercise that until now was encouraged by doctors.
Now it appears that desire for health is a gateway to a Heroin-fueled Brain Hell.
Writing in the medical journal Behavioural Neuroscience, the researchers found that a desire to get off the sofa and shed a few pounds can quickly become as compulsive as Class A narcotics. So mild exercise like jogging can develop into a serious triathlon or marathon habit. "Although exercise is good for your health, extreme exercise may be physically addictive," they warned.
The researchers flatly used the term "like heroin" and just as "addictive" mentioning "withdrawl symptoms" and such.
In America, you know where this MUST lead.
Running Prohibition.
Jogging is a gateway drug-seeking behavior and doubtlessly we will see laws passed in the very near future beginning to protect our communities from the scourge of running.
All American sports will have to be revised to eliminate running. Athletes will be tested for secret running. Baseball, basketball and football will be changed so as to no longer use running so as to not send a bad message to the children. The violence can continue without all that running.
Pregnant mothers found running will be arrested and jailed and their children taken away and given to non-running foster parents.
The "No Running By The Pool" law will obviously remain in force.
Moratoriums will be set-up with sunsets to allow people who currently run to get proper treatment and commit to a run-free lifestyle, supported by random run-testing.
Run testing can be done via simple profiling - does the person look thinner and healthier? - and can be compared to the yearly photo-cards all Americans will be required to provide. Run testing can also be a rather expensive and invasive process but the upsides are that the bulk of the money spent on run-testing goes to companies that support the GOP.
And speaking thereof, they will begin to loudly renounce running. They will come up with Red Ribbon Campaigns, they will sign non-running pledges.
Rush Limbaugh, who will never be profiled as a runner, will loudly denounce Obama for running much of his life. Sean Hannity will renounce running as well. Glenn Beck will "humorously suggest" installing bars on your vehicle so that runners don't damage it when you run them down. "Jogger Bars" will be all the rage with the current Birther, Deather, Bagger crowd.
Yes, get used to it. Running makes you feel really good.
That's why it must be bad.