SCENE: INT. BALLROOM FESTOONED WITH STREAMERS AND BALLOONS, A BANNER READING "SCOZZAFAVA FOR U.S. SENATE 2012" AND A HUGE "FOX NEWS" LOGO. OVER THE HUBBUB OF THE CROWD COMES THE STRAINS OF THE SONG THAT HAS, IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS, BECOME RECOGNIZED AS THE ANTHEM OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: "ANGRY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN." THE CROWD BEGINS TO ROAR AS THEY REALIZE THAT THE WOMAN OF THE HOUR, SENATOR-ELECT DEDE SCOZZAFAVA, IS COMING OUT TO GIVE HER VICTORY SPEECH.
SCOZZAFAVA: Welcome -- please -- thank you -- thank you -- please -- you're too kind. Thank you.
Well, they said it couldn't be done! They said that you could not elect a Republican to the Senate from the state of New York. Well, tonight, we proved them wrong!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
I received a call a few minutes ago from Senator Gillibrand -- no, don't boo, please, let's have some respect -- please, don't boo -- please -- who called me to offer her congratulations for my victory in this election and to offer her help in the transition. I thanked her for her grace -- no, please don't boo -- and -- all right, all right.
This 2012 election night has been a hard one for our party nationally, and I want people to give a cheer for our hardworking ticket of Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann! Let's give it up for them! Yeah! They put up a great fight, and the latest projections are that they will win Idaho, Utah, and Wyoming to go along with their victories in West Virginia, Oklahoma, and the deep South. They did their best and we're proud of them!
I remember another hard day for our party nationally, twenty years ago, when Bill Clinton won the -- please, don't boo. Please. Oh, all right.
In 1992, one of the few bright spots for our party was the victory of the last Republican before me to get elected in our state, Al D'Amato! Two years after that difficult night, we took back Congress. And two years from now, we are going to take back Congress again!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
I was happy to see that my former opponent when I was first elected to the House of Representatives, Doug Hoffman, has been elected resoundingly to the seat I am now leaving.
[WILD APPLAUSE]
We have kept the Democratic Party from grabbing a foothold in Upstate New York!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
Now I know that I had some differences with some of you on policy at that point, but I've learned a lot in the past few years. One thing I learned is that when Eric Cantor comes up to you and says "with your moderate image, you are someone that I think can be elected to the Senate from your state" -- you listen!
I know that I have a moderate image, and that's what helped me get elected.
[DEAD SILENCE]
But Eric Cantor and others will tell you that I have always been there for the Republican Party when push comes to shove! I have never let us lose by one vote when that vote was mine to cast!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
I will now be doing the same for our party in the U.S. Senate!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
In fact, I'll be doing it for more than one term! So far tonight, since the results came in, my staff tells me that I have earned more than $560,000 in contributions from corporations!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
And I promise you that in the U.S. Senate I will vote to block any nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court who will take away the god-given and recently reasserted right of our corporations to fund political campaigns!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
After all, they are people too!
[WILD APPLAUSE, FOOT-STOMPING]
And I will fight any efforts to implement the so-called global-warming bill that our party was able to stop by one single vote in the Senate last year!
[WILD APPLAUSE, FOOT-STOMPING, SPONTANEOUS ORGASMS]
Because I am a Republican too -- and I know our core values!
[MANY FEWER ORGASMS]
I want to thank one more group tonight: the left-wing Democrats who supported me in 2009.
[JEERING, PROJECTILE VOMITING, SPEAKING IN THE TONGUES OF DEMONS]
Most political observers said that I should not have squeaked through in that race. It seems like a long time ago, and I know that many of you here with me now were not celebrating with me that night. But I told you that I would come through for you, and I did.
[MILD APPLAUSE]
I was able to come through with the help of my biggest political enemies. They embraced me as part of their plan to purge their own party of so-called Blue Dogs -- who I'm happy to say are now almost extinct!
[WILD APPLAUSE]
So I've brought with me tonight a special guest, who I hope you will welcome -- from the Democratic Party -- the Undermine Gnome!
UNDERMINE GNOME: Hello, you sacks of offal. Enjoy your victory tonight. I want to explain to you how we will bury you.
[MILD PUZZLEMENT]
First, by refusing to support conservative Democrats from conservative districts, we will ensure that those districts are represented by conservative Republicans!
[MILD APPLAUSE]
Then, having added these automatic "no" votes to the membership of Congress, and having given the few entrenched conservative Democrats even greater power as swing votes, we will ensure that progressive legislation will be even harder to pass, because we have to win a larger percentage of the conservative members of our party!
[MILD PUZZLEMENT]
But we don't have to worry, because we will stop doing this just short of losing our majority in the House, hanging on to exactly the 218 least conservative Democratic seats, because we can plan the effects of our political gambits exactly that well.
[WILD PUZZLEMENT]
And the next step is, according to my notes: question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark!
And then, we win!
[SCOZZAFAVA SCOOPS THE GNOME INTO HER ARMS]
SCOZZAFAVA: Isn't he adorable! I love this little guy. Thanks for preserving my career so that I could make it into the Senate, sweet pea! And thank you all for coming! Now on to the U.S. Senate!