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Recently we learned of the Conservative Bible Project thanks to this fine diary.

When reading the reinterpretation proposed by such fine thinkers of the conservative movement I couldn't help but notice that they were in need of a bit of help.

Thus, I offer here my reinterpretation of Biblical Law through the Conservative Movement.

I apologize for offering this here in such a liberal environment:

The Conservative Ten Commandments:

  1.  Do not have any gods before Money.
  1.  Do not attempt to idolize anything but me... that's right: Mr. Money.
  1.  Do not disparage Money or take its name in vain.
  1.  Remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy... meaning:  pay attention when the markets are open.  How else can we serve Money?
  1.  Honour thy father (Money) and thy mother (expected returns), so that thy days may be long on this earth.
  1.  Thou shalt not murder... meaning:  never destroy a good opportunity.
  1.  Thou shalt not commit adultery... meaning:  if you cheat on Money it will cost you.
  1.  Thou shalt not steal... meaning:  well, this is a rough one.  You cannot steal money from Money.  Find someone poor.  Bilk them.  Do not bilk others involved in the Conservative Bible Project.  That's all we're asking.
  1.  Thou shalt not bear false witness... meaning:  who are we kidding?  Anything for Money.  Lie away.
  1.  Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife..., or anything that belongs to your neighbor...  meaning:  OK.  Let's just forget this one entirely.  9 it is.

Lest I forget that there are other rules in the Bible, let me offer a few more interpretations:

  1.  Do unto others before they do unto you.
  1.  Judge first and loudest, lest yea be judged.
  1.  Heal the sick, but never forget to negotiate a rate first.
  1.  If thy right eye offends thee... use all force necessary to remove the imperfection.
  1.  If a person cannot fish, charge them a top rate.
  1.  Fuck the Meek.  They get to inherit a fucked up earth thanks to Mr. Money.

Originally posted to tecampbell on Mon Oct 05, 2009 at 11:55 PM PDT.

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Ten Commandments?

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| 57 votes | Vote | Results

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