When reading the reinterpretation proposed by such fine thinkers of the conservative movement I couldn't help but notice that they were in need of a bit of help.
Thus, I offer here my reinterpretation of Biblical Law through the Conservative Movement.
I apologize for offering this here in such a liberal environment:
The Conservative Ten Commandments:
- Do not have any gods before Money.
- Do not attempt to idolize anything but me... that's right: Mr. Money.
- Do not disparage Money or take its name in vain.
- Remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy... meaning: pay attention when the markets are open. How else can we serve Money?
- Honour thy father (Money) and thy mother (expected returns), so that thy days may be long on this earth.
- Thou shalt not murder... meaning: never destroy a good opportunity.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery... meaning: if you cheat on Money it will cost you.
- Thou shalt not steal... meaning: well, this is a rough one. You cannot steal money from Money. Find someone poor. Bilk them. Do not bilk others involved in the Conservative Bible Project. That's all we're asking.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness... meaning: who are we kidding? Anything for Money. Lie away.
- Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife..., or anything that belongs to your neighbor... meaning: OK. Let's just forget this one entirely. 9 it is.
Lest I forget that there are other rules in the Bible, let me offer a few more interpretations:
- Do unto others before they do unto you.
- Judge first and loudest, lest yea be judged.
- Heal the sick, but never forget to negotiate a rate first.
- If thy right eye offends thee... use all force necessary to remove the imperfection.
- If a person cannot fish, charge them a top rate.
- Fuck the Meek. They get to inherit a fucked up earth thanks to Mr. Money.