I wrote a diary last week after hearing Michael Brewer's story of being burned alive by a group of boys who planned a deadly retaliation against him after he reported them for stealing his dad's bicycle.
Many of you asked how to stop bullying now. There are solutions to this, but they require us to stand together and demand that bullying is taken seriously in our schools, in our neighborhoods and in our own homes. I will try to outline some of the proven solutions in regular diaries over the next few weeks and I encourage you to read the information in the links I provide.
Michael's mom asked us to do all we can to stop the violence - that escalates from pushing and name-calling in little children to lighting a young boy on fire as they get older. If not stopped early, this violence gets worse as kids get older. We can stop it though - together.
This mother asked for my help, and I am giving it. I may not know exactly how to help her son, but I know I will work to ensure this never happens to any child ever again. I wish I had done it sooner and screamed louder and pushed harder for a strong anti-bullying program in my child's school. I wish I had always reached out to a target of bullies, and even to the bullies themselves. I wish I argued with the teacher who told me the boy in the cafeteria being punched repeatedly in his back "brings it on himself."
But at least I'm doing something now, here and in my own community. I hope you will too, as you listen to Michael Brewer's story, and his heartbroken mom's plea...
The Orlando Sentinel has the heartbreaking audio of the 911 call to police. I haven't listened to it, but if you have any doubt as to whether or not bullying is a severe problem in this country - you may want to listen.
Michael did the right thing. He told an adult. He reported the crime. He told his mom he was terrified to go to school, and his mom took him seriously. She contacted the school.
Unfortunately, the protection Michael needed came too late.
On the day of the attack, the school was closed for the Columbus Day holiday. The school scheduled a meeting with Michael for the following day. A meeting. Tell me, what was a meeting going to do? They were going to tell Michael how to be safe in school? They left it up to him? I am disgusted to hear this.
Michael knew he was threatened, I wonder how he felt when he heard about the meeting? I am sure he wanted protection, not a meeting.
This is likely the scenario in schools across the country. This situation, however, was beyond the 'meeting stage.' The meeting needed to take place long before this situation became so dangerous for Michael. The meeting should have been held back when those bullies were harassing and abusing kids on the playground in elementary school.
You may want me to prove that those kids were bullying kids back in elementary school, but I can't. But I do have common sense which tells me that no one wakes up one day and burns someone alive. The cops called the ringleader of this group "the local bully."
So it was no secret that at least one of these kids was very dangerous. And after authorities responded to the scene where Michael was screaming in agony, the bullies laughed.
A kid doesn't get this malignant overnight. There is a series of unfortunate events that fall into place to bring us to the violence we saw in Michael's story.
I don't believe kids are born this way. In Part 1 today, I am hoping to lay a foundation for how I believe a kid gets this way, and how we can begin to support a target, based on years of research I've done into this as my goal to become a Certified Olweus Trainer. (Why don't you consider becoming one too - especially if you need a good job that makes a difference?) I am not certified yet, so I encourage you to use my information here as just a foundation and resource to begin to stop bullying now.
There is proof that the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program works for both the bully and the target. My suggestions are based on this program, and I urge you to investigate thoroughly. Author and expert Stan Davis, who I discuss below, has written two books that outline the specific, practical practices of the Olweus program, that can be put to work right now in schools. I also urge you to read Schools Where Everyone Belongs and his other book, Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention.
One place to start right now is to go to Davis' site and ask your school to participate in a survey being conducted by Davis and another expert, Dr. Charisse Nixon. It is a great first step to implementing a sound and successful anti-bullying program in your local school. Nixon specializes in bullying and relational aggression, especially among girls. She too, has written several books on the topic, and has several excellent articles on the link I've provided.
Talk to other parents. For me, just bringing up the topic of bullying to parents opens up a floodgate of stories of how kids are suffering. Gather up those parents and show them the material available for the school to use on Davis' website and books, show them Michael's mom, and ask them to join you in pushing for a solid program in your school to protect the children, beginning with the survey that is being conducted this fall and winter.
Even if your school doesn't participate officially in the Davis/Nixon survey, this is a good tool to open a dialogue with your child, go through it together. Ask your child to answer the questions with you, listen and ACT.
The Youth Voice Project
Bullying and harassment affect many students, yet few researchers have asked students what really works to reduce these behaviors. Schools across the United States are participating in a new research project by Dr. Charisse Nixon and Stan Davis to do just that, and you are invited to join them.
This project has been approved by the IRB (research ethics review panel) at Penn State University. We seek a wide range of elementary, middle and high schools for this project – small, large, urban, rural, private, public and representing different geographic areas, ethnic characteristics and income levels. We seek schools that have implemented bullying prevention, harassment prevention and other social justice initiatives and those that have not yet implemented these programs. There will be no cost to the school for students to participate in this anonymous on-line survey.
This research study is the first large-scale effort to ask young people what works in bullying and harassment prevention based on their own experiences and observations. The information we gather will help to identify the most effective and realistic strategies for targets of bullying, adults, and peer bystanders to use to prevent and mitigate the effects of bullying. We believe it is time for young people to help define what effective interventions may look like in the school setting. We believe that students are an invaluable resource when it comes to increasing our understanding of effective prevention and intervention efforts related to bullying. They are the true experts on what works.
Our goal is to compile a body of knowledge of the most helpful interventions in order to help adults and youth reduce bullying and harassment in their own schools. We want to give young people a powerful voice in shaping future interventions. We will use their knowledge as the basis for a book and website which will guide educators, parents, and youth in applying effective interventions to reduce bullying and optimize students’ development.
Identities of specific schools participating in this project will remain confidential and all student responses, anonymous. Each participating individual school will receive a detailed summary of students’ responses to the survey questions along with summary data representing schools across the United States.
All students in grades five to twelve are eligible to participate in this study. The survey will ask young people who have been bullied or harassed what they, adults and bystanders did, and which of those actions worked to help them feel safer and more connected in school. The survey will also ask young people who have observed bullying and harassment what they and others did and what the results of their actions were.
Are the parents responsible for the bullies? Absolutely. But for whatever reason, the parents may fail. The schools need to step in and fill the void, and they need to do it now. Pointing fingers isn't helpful. A good plan is.
But I do want to start with the parents, and then in diaries to come, expand into the specific school plan outlined by Olweus and Davis.
Those of you who are fans of the fable Lord of the Flies or of the Catholic Church's 'original sin' may not like my opinion or that of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Ralph Waldo Emerson, A.S. Neill, Erich Fromm, Ashley Montagu Abraham Maslow, Colin Wilson and my personal favorite, Alice Miller who has a body of works that has explained a lot to me. Bullies are not born. They are made.
Here is a good start into what Miller taught me:
We can identify the causes of our sufferings
Almost all of us have corporal punishment inflicted on us in our formative years. But the fear and anger such punishment brings with it remain unconscious for a very long time. Children have no choice but suppress their fear and anger, as otherwise they could not sustain their love for their parents, and that love is crucially necessary for their survival. But these emotions, though suppressed, remain stored away in our bodies, and in adulthood they can cause symptoms of varying severity. We may suffer from bouts of depression, attacks of panic fear, or violent reactions towards our children without identifying the true causes of our despair, our fear, or our rage. If we were aware of those causes, it would prevent us from falling ill, because then we would realize that our fathers and mothers no longer have any power over us and can no longer beat us.
Miller goes onto explain that though our bodies and our struggles, we can identify our suffering. Children who grow up in unhealthy situations may take their anger out on others, or take it out on themselves.
If we can recognize it and heal that way we may not have to turn to medication to ward off depression, anxiety etc.; addictions, drugs or inflicting our suffering on others.
Inflicting our suffering on others
Let's concentrate a minute on that. Based on all I've learned through years of studying about childhood trauma, my gut says that's where our schoolyard bullies come from. My gut says that's where our right wing hypocrites come from.
One of the guiding forces I used in raising my son was the the advice of the marvelously empathetic pediatrician, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton.
Perhaps most important of all for the development of healthy self-esteem in a child is a parent’s unconditional acceptance — entirely independent of performance — of a child not for what she does, but for who she is. Feeling loved no matter what does not fill us with illusions about how wonderful we are, but helps us to tolerate our imperfections. When we can do this, we are more likely to learn to live with the imperfections of others. This is why self-esteem is such an important first step in learning to get along with others.
My gut says that if a child is abused or neglected - physically or emotionally - by his parents or caregivers - that child becomes really angry inside. But he cannot display that anger, or else he risks alienation of the very people who are responsible for his life on earth. So he stamps it down, and with each stamp, he stamps down the empathy he has for himself and denies his suffering.
He must believe his parents are good and that he is bad and deserving of how he is treated. Often religion ties into this, (Miller is not a fan of the Fourth Commandment, believing that kids naturally love their parents, and don't need a commandment to force them to do so....) As the child sees his parents using religion to bully him, he believes that this is the right way to be. Spare the rod and spoil the child, fire and brimstone and all that...
I saw this theory in action the first time my former mother-in-law held my son. This woman, the wife of a high-ranking church minister, took my day-old infant in her arms and he started to cry. Instinctively, she whacked him in the upper arm, telling him to "Stop that."
He was a day old.
Needless to say she barely escaped with her life that day, and I vowed to not allow her to be alone with my son until he was old enough to tell me if she hit him. So the minister's wife sitting in church every Sunday hits newborn babies - for their own good of course.
I would think a child who is treated like that over time gets pretty angry, but can't really experience it because he loves and trusts his parents to be doing the right thing - and he really doesn't know anything else.
Because he must fight so hard not to display this seething anger turned inward (because the parents cannot be wrong, so the child blames himself), the anger becomes very powerful. The child's empathy dies off. The anger becomes a beast inside him that does not die, but becomes powerful and seeps out in very unhealthy ways.
One of them is on the playground.
"See?" the child bully says to himself, "What my parents did to me wasn't so bad because I do it too."
Overt and covert bullying are the same, and may arrive differently to the exact same outcome. With overt physical bullying, the target is killed. With covert, disguised bullying, the target kills himself. The bullying you can't see is usually the most dangerous form. Bullying an individual is usually more dangerous than bullying a group. A group can band together and see the bully for what he is, but an individual who is bullied while others are not turns the blame on himself, without support.
And there are ways for a target to kill himself slowly...alcoholism, eating disorders, cutting, drug abuse. Or he can be burned alive by somebody else. Either way it sucks for the targets.
So these are the outcomes I fear for children who are targets. That they are learning through our inaction that they somehow deserve to be bullied, trashed or humiliated, just by being the way they are. Remember too, that is what the bully himself experienced long ago as an infant. My son was hit just for being a newborn, doing what newborns do.
Think about our hero Rep. Alan Grayson for a minute. Think about why we all cheered when he stood up to the bullies.
"Grayson said, "What do you do with a bully is you confront the bully and the bully backs down..."
True, but if you have to confront the bully alone, like Michael and his mother had to, the bully will retaliate. If you confront the bully together, in the open, like Alan Grayson inspired US to do together, he backs down. Safety in numbers is more than an old saying.
Our entire community must work together, and I wish Michael and every kid who has suffered or committed suicide or became drug addicts as a result of bullying had the support of the entire community. Law enforcement, neighbors, parents, friends, school officials, teachers, librarians, coaches, legislators, storekeepers, school bus drivers - the whole community has a moral obligation to protect these kids.
We cheered when Alan Grayson stood up for us - he confronted the bully. His courage made us stronger, and we realized that we had someone who thought we were something. He empowered us. It doesn't take much to make a huge difference for someone under attack.
How many times have we felt, "They can just do that to you."
How many times have we felt that dehumanizing value judgement that just beats us down when we are already down?
If abusing us is nothing, then we are nothing.
Alan Grayson stood up before the world one day and said "Abusing you is wrong and you ARE something."
That's why we cheered. And now why we are rallying behind him, gaining strength and inspiration from him enough to kick some bully ass - TOGETHER. Grayson is good, but if we left him out there alone and didn't stand behind him, he would not have been able to continue his fight. He empowers us and we empower him. IT WORKS.
We interrupt this diary for breaking news...
As I am working on this diary - I see an important and related diary on top of the rec list right now that says Grayson is under attack. I didn't even get the following paragraph published:
And imagine if he had one weakness in his background that the bullies could bite on - you know as well as I do that they would try to rip him into shreds and would probably have been pretty successful at intimidating him. It's happened before. Bullies love it when we aren't Mother Theresa.
It's already begun. We knew it was coming. We know the routine.
I am struggling with this right now in my own life. I have stood up to a bully teacher who was calling kids dumb and stupid and brought it to the teacher's attention. On Friday I was retaliated against by the teacher and principal who removed me from any volunteer priviledges at the school because I asked other parents if their child had heard the teacher call them dumb and stupid, and several other parents confirmed this through their kids. I put my objection to it in an email to the teacher, giving him the benefit of the doubt, but pointing out how damaging it can be to a third grader to hear this.
On Friday after being summoned to a meeting with the teacher and principal, the principal called me "outrageous and told me I am no longer allowed in my son's classroom because I discussed the teacher's conduct with other parents. I argued that I do not lose my First Amendment rights just because I am a volunteer homeroom mom.
He said "You do not lose your First Amendment rights, you lose your right to be a homeroom mom if you use them."
Unable to believe my ears, I made him say it again and again, and he did, but refused to put it in writing.
I am essentially banned now from being involved in my PTA activities and my child's education and school community. I have no choice but to fight, but I also am aware of how tough this will be on my child, and how the principal will try to assasinate my character. I am pretty afraid, but I can't live with myself if I don't fight back. My hope is that other parents join me, despite the threat that they too, could be banned from the school. This was exactly the message my son's principal wants to send:
Do not open your mouth about the school, or you will be banned from it.
Grayson had to consider this before opening his mouth too, and he opened it anyway. He has inspired me to fight this, and be ready for it to get dirty. How dirty it gets depends on whether I fight alone or with my community. How dirty it gets for Grayson is whether he fights alone or with us.
Back to the diary...
And imagine if he had one weakness in his background that the bullies could bite on - you know as well as I do that they would try to rip him into shreds and would probably have been pretty successful at intimidating him. It's happened before. Bullies love it when we aren't Mother Theresa.
My point here is that it is the same for our children. It works the same way on the playground. It works the same way on the school bus or in the school bathrooms. Our children have insecurities too, areas that they may feel weak in or have parts of their lives they aren't proud of and the bullies feed off of these areas. He's bullied because he's gay. She's bullied because she is "socially awkward." The kids pick on him because he wet his pants at school.
Every child needs an Alan Grayson in their lives to take out the BECAUSE part.
Like he told us - it doesn't matter if you went bankrupt, or got sick or lost your job or are poor - YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY.
We need to tell our kids - it doesn't matter if you have dark skin, can't spell, aren't good at sports or have big ears - YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY.
Alice Miller calls people like Alan Grayson an "enlightened witness."
Many have also been lucky enough to find later both enlightened and courageous witnesses, people who helped them to recognize the injustices they suffered, to give vent to their feelings of rage, pain and indignation at what happened to them.
Miller believes an enlightened witness may make the difference between life and death for a child growing up in a crisis situation. Davis does too, only he calls them "empowered bystanders" and he believes bystanders who intervene may make the difference between life and death for a target of bullying.
I've felt those feelings of rage, pain and indignation when I hear the poison being spewed that is designed to beat us down. I have felt that injustice and wondered how they can get away with it.
Those of us who have felt bullied and that "they can just do that to us" here HAVE tried to stand up for ourselves. We HAVE tried to get out the truth. We HAVE written and talked and tried to respond to the lies.
Look at the fight for the public option. My one letter or your one phone call may not be much by itself. Look at the election. My one vote is nothing without yours.
By ourselves, we may make little difference, and the bullies know how to fight dirty. We get eaten alive, just because we are looking for the fair fight we will never get.
It's the same for a kid on the playground. Chances are, by the time a kid reports a bullying problem to us, he has already tried every way he can to stop the bullying on his own - according to the rules. Kids who are bullied are generally the ones who still play by the rules, even when under attack. The bullies know this. They like it.
I know there are those who will say that to fight the bully, you must break the rules. Hit him before he hits you. Toughen up. Ignore it. Stop being the kind of kid who gets bullied. Don't wear those glasses. Don't be shy. Don't be gay. Don't be female. Don't be smart. Don't be skinny. Don't be fat. Don't be developmentally disabled. Don't be black. Don't have an accent. Don't be poor. Don't be liberal. Don't be progressive.
You get my drift. If you are one of those people who think it is up to the target to change in order to not be bullied, well, good luck then. Let me know how it works out.
For the others, what is key is to do what Alan Grayson did for us. Be an empowered bystander - and stand up to a bully when you see it happening. Stand up. Reach down and pull the target up from his knees and to his feet. Bring others to help you stand up to the bully, empower them by your display of guts. Argue with the teacher who says the target invites repeated punches to his back. Go over to the kid being punched and stand between him and the violence.
Demand that your child's school does more than hang some anti-bullying posters on the wall. Demand a REAL anti-bullying program that works. Show your school the video of Michael's mom, ask your principal if he wants to risk one child's life the way Michael's school risked his.
If your child is bullied by a teacher, talk to other parents in the class - see if it is happening to more than one kid. Go to the school board, anyone who will listen. Get your child OUT of that class. Ask your friends to stand outside the school with protest signs if you have to.
And I guarantee, in no time at all, someone will come and back you up. The teacher just doesn't wake up one day and start bullying your kid.
The key is to do someting - but to do it TOGETHER - and then none of us can be eaten alive by a bully. But we must do it now.
I offer this as some information to think about and discuss; as a start to present a wealth of information on this subject compiled by true heros - Olweus, Davis, Nixon and Miller.
Next time, I'll take a look at specific ways we can support targets. Things we say and do can often make things way worse for targets, when we think they are making them better.
I'll try to have something together for next week if you are interested.