From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
C&J Writes A Follow-up Letter
Dear Conservative Free-Market Capitalism Muckety Mucks,
Ninety-one days ago I gave you thirty days to fix the U.S. economy that you broke:
I'm just a simple, average citizen who has listened to you jawbone for decades---amplified non-stop by Fox News, CNBC, the Wall Street Journal and right-wing radio---about how perfect your system of "unfettered everything" is. How greed is good and regulation is the devil's work. And yet, you seem to be strangely ineffective at fixing it when it breaks. Could it be you've been bullshitting us all along? ...
Fix the damn economy on Main Street already, you Ayn Rand-worshipping free-market capitalist wizards. Show us how it's done. Be the heroes we've been holding out for.
Bummer. You couldn’t do it, even with a two-month extension. Not even close. Instead of rolling up your sleeves and getting to work, all you've done is continue pointing your fingers at the Big Bad Government---the one that statistics confirm single-handedly saved your asses from Great Depression II---and whine. Hell, even your Savior of All Things Economic, Grover "Ayn Rand With a Beard" Norquist, couldn’t convince voters in Washington and Maine that your ideas were worth a bucket of warm spit.
Oh, sure, Wall Street is thriving, in large measure because they're up to their old backroom book-cooking tricks again. (I did challenge you to work your magic "honestly, ethically and legally," remember?) But Main Street is still tanking. So I guess it's true---you've been bullshitting us all along.
That doesn't sit well with me. Because, see, I've been programmed by Frank Luntz and the GOP spin machine to think of two things when I hear the word conservative: fiscal competence and defense. You fucked up the defense part real good. And now you've failed to prove your worth on the economy. I mean, good gracious Gerty, I gave you 90 days and look at what you did: in what should've been your moment of triumph, you dithered.
I'm sorry, but until one of your mad scientists can create a clone of Ronald Reagan to set things aright, I'm going to have to assume you're not really capable of fixing the economy. Or much of anything at all.
With great sadness, as I was this close to jumping ship,
Billy
P.S. I miss Jerry Ford. Try and bring him back, too, please. Herculean farter. I like that.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Note: Scozzafava!! Gesundheit.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2009 United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen: 27
Days 'til the Alaska Bald Eagle Festival in Haines: 1
Percent of Americans out west who favor legalizing and taxing marijuana: 53%
Percent of Americans overall who do: 44%
(Source: Gallup poll via The Week)
Final House vote on healthcare reform: 220-215
Date John Dingell presided over the Medicare reform vote in the House: 4/8/65
Amount Michael Bloomberg ended up paying for each vote he received in last week's election: $179.51
(Source: Hardball)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Poem to the Crist campaign:
It’s raining,
It’s pouring,
You’re about to get pummeled.
---Commenter ggros at RedState
All together now: One...two...three... Heh!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Hazel reenacts the Carrie Prejean solo sex tape
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CHEERS to little surprises. Hey, I'm all in favor of sending the Bart Stupak (or is that "Stu-pid"? Ha ha) Coat Hanger Amendment directly to the shredder. What a crock, sham, insult, affront, shame, disgrace, mockery and outrage. It'll probably be removed, though, once the guys get wind of the "Cut-Off-Men's-Dicks Amendment" Barbara Boxer intends to insert into the Senate bill. But while that unpleasantness is being sorted out, the House healthcare reform bill also has a few diamonds hidden in the rough, like this unexpected kiss for the gays:
Supporters of gay rights have long been trying to change the tax treatment of health benefits provided by employers to the domestic partners of their employees. In effect, such benefits are now treated as taxable income for the employee, and the employer may owe payroll taxes on their fair-market value.
Under the bill, such benefits would be tax-free, just like health benefits provided to the family of an employee married to a person of the opposite sex.
Between this and the hate crimes bill, I don’t think I can handle all this adoration in the federal government's spotlight---my hair's a mess! I hope they give us plenty of warning before they repeal "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell." We're gonna need an entire day at the spa for that.
CHEERS to knockin' that sucker down. In 1975, when I was but a strapping lad, our family moved from Ohio to then-"West" Germany for five years. Our international school sponsored occasional field trips to then-"West" Berlin, and while the details may be fuzzy after 30+ years, I'll never forget the feeling of dread and darkness that hung over the wall and extended eastward. Our tour bus went into East Berlin for some state-approved sight-seeing---a museum here, a Russian World War II memorial there. All very serious, very dreary, very lifeless. And we were scared. We'd never seen so many machine guns in one place before. And we kept our eyes focused on the state-approved tour guide, lest the East German security guards swoop in and haul us away for unauthorized looking-around. Everything was grey and crumbly. On the plus side, you could get a slab of wienerschnitzel the size of a landmine for, like, 50 cents. And all this oppression appeared to be permanent...it seemed that the evil Communists would never budge. The Brandenburg gate would forever be...on the other side. Thus twenty years ago it was surreal to watch the unthinkable as Berliners hacked away at the wall with pickaxes and hammers, with the full approval of the East- and West German authorities---simply a mind-blowing moment that briefly galvanized the world in celebration. Having said all that, I guess my point is: must have wienerschnitzel...now.
CHEERS to laying down the law. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown huffed and puffed and told Hamid Karzai to take a tough stance on the corruption that has plagued that country for centuries. The Afghan leader said he'd get right on it and demand that warlords start behaving themselves. Right after he gets himself fitted for a new pair of bomb-proof bloomers.
JEERS to unauthorized leaks. Dear God!!! For two months Portland firefighters played with their---oh, get your mind out of the gutter---brand-new shiny fireboat, ridin' around squirtin' red, white and blue water everywhere like a dog marking its territory and blarin' their sirens at 3am on their way to the Dunkin Donuts across the harbor. Well, Saturday night they got a little too cocky and they broke our fireboat. And talk about expensive---the insurance deductible to fix it is $25,000 worth of taxpayer hiney flesh. (And which vessel is now standing heroically by to keep Portland Harbor and the surrounding islands safe? Why, of course, the old retired fireboat City of Portland III---the one that will soon be turned into a pile of scrap. Thanks a bunch.) Meanwhile, the officer on duty who called in the emergency by singing "My Heart Will Go On" was suspended. Specifically, upside down from a fire pole.
CHEERS to stimulus at the point of a virtual gun. Gamers are about to shell out half a billion dollars this week to buy the new must-have-or-my-friends-will-laugh-at-me release---out today---called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. To put that in perspective, that's like an entire hour of out-of-pocket healthcare expenses in America...or one hour's worth of Wall Street bonuses...or the amount it would take to get a psychotherapist to go within fifty feet of Glenn Beck. Here's the plot of the game (Spoiler Alert!!):
The radical Russian Ultranationalist organization has returned to prominence under the leadership of Vladimir Makarov, a former associate of Imran Zakhaev with his own ambitions. Makarov has publicized Zakhaev's death as an act of martyrdom to garner support for his cause, enabling him to build a strong power base in Russia over the years. Fearful of Makarov's growing influence, the global community established Task Force 141 to counter the threat posed by the resurgent Ultranationalists.
You have to be really savvy to defeat Makarov. So here's a secret little hint that will increase your chances of victory: go to the drop-down menu and click on the option that sends him on a quail hunt with Dick Cheney.
CHEERS to free choice. On November 10, 1793, France ended the forced worship of God. God immediately responded by renaming two of his cafeteria dishes in Heaven "freedom fries" and "freedom toast." Touchy.
JEERS to the strange ways of heterosexual matrimony. The headline in an edition of the Portland Press Herald last week read: "Washington state voters OK law granting gay partnerships." The subhead read: "Flu-fledged marriage is still not allowed." Okay then. I think I speak on behalf of same-sex couples everywhere when I say to the mighty maintainers of the institution of marriage: we'll let you straight couples keep that all for yourselves. From a distance, please.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 10, 2004
CHEERS to the sweetest two words in the English language. "Ashcroft Resigns" replaces "Free Booze" at the top of our list this morning. And we expect it to stay there for a long, long time. (At least `til Friday night.)
JEERS to overstaying your welcome. Yasser Arafat is dead. No he's not. Yes he is. No he's not. Yes he is. Sounds like God and Lucifer are gonna have to determine ownership of this oddball's soul with a Rock-Paper-Scissors smackdown. Tickets on sale now at the Civic Center box office!!! Be there!!!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Great Moments in Error Messages. On this date in 1983, Microsoft introduced its Windows computer operating system. And over the last 26 years users have had absolutely no trouble with it whatsoe [microsoft error message 23764. this program has encountered a fatal error and will shut down immediately. please check all 1,213 pages of owner's manual for more information. or you can...snort snort...try to call tech support. Huhhuhhuh...shoulda bought a Mac. love, clippy]
Oh, and a quick message courtesy of the fair and balanced traditional media: Pot is the most dangerous substance on earth. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"What I’ve seen everywhere I go is that there are some commonalties everywhere you go. Everywhere you go people want to fall in love. It’s an interesting thing. Everywhere you go, people love children. Everywhere, they love Cheers and Jeers."
---Rep. Alan Grayson
10/6/09
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