I know we're not supposed to name other posters in our titles according to Kossack rules, but I feel it's ok to break this rule, because I am totally in support of her. And big hugs.
I was in the U. S. Air Force in the late 1970s. I was in the "peacetime" military. I was stationed in California, Germany, and Minot, ND.
I was one of the only women working in Aircraft Maintenance at the time. I did a lot of really dangerous things then - hopped from one aircraft tail to another without a harness, climbed up the little area in aircraft tails to do work, I almost died a few times from doing my job.
One time, I was on top of a refuel truck we were doing a "defuel" it was my job to shine a flashlight down there and see if the truck was getting overfull with JP4 fuel - it was sundown - I couldn't see very well - I shone my flashlight down there, and stuck my stupid nose in there - and I was overcome by JP4 fumes - OMG - I don't even know how to say this - it was like the worst drug trip EVER, or something - I couldn't move my arms or anything - I managed to roll over on to my back and kind of weakly signal to the defuel team - who didn't notice. I laid there and panted and breathed blessedly clean air until I could get up and get off the damn truck and go down and pretend nothing had happened.
Another time, I was on temporary duty (TDY) and working on aircraft that I was not familiar with. I went out and went running toward the aircraft to do my usual job of pulling gear pins out of the wheelwells - a Black Master Sergeant ran after me and tackled me to the ground - he said "dear, those are PROPS - you almost just got your head cut off". That guy saved my life. I will never forget him. He's one of the heroes in my life. I almost ran right into the props on these C130s that I wasn't used to working on, because I was used to working on C141s and C5s.
Another time, I was stationed in Minot, ND, and working on B52s there, and I went out to repair an interphone connection between the avionics bay and the cockpit. While I was there, the ground maintenance crew came along and CLOSED UP the door between me and the ground and the plane started TAXIING. OMFG. Apparently everybody had forgotten I was there. Well. Avionics bay is NOT pressurized. Ok, I don't know if I saved myself by doing this, but what I did was solder that interphone connection while the plane was taxiing and call the cockpit and tell them I was back there. They were terribly upset, and sent a flight truck out to get me off.
These days I have tons of phobias. I'm afraid to fly. I'm afraid to drive on the freeway. I'm afraid to stand on a tall ladder. It's like it all just crashed in on me in my early 50s.
Ginmar, I feel for you. I'm the same. Although I don't deserve to even say my name with yours. You're a combat veteran. And I am not. Went through some scary experiences, but NOTHING like yours.
I just want to hug you and tell you that it's all right.
Still in tears.
Love, Rose
P. S. Don't contemplate suicide. Don't let the bastards get over on you.
You have friends here who need you. Like me. I care.