Say what you will about the reign of Pope Benedict XVI, but the guy is all about covering all the bases. In an interview with the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, said that it was fine to believe in aliens and it didn't contradict a belief in God.
"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" Funes said. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."
… Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said.
The Bible "is not a science book," Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for the creation of the universe. The theory says the universe began billions of years ago in the explosion of a single, super-dense point that contained all matter.
But he said he continues to believe that "God is the creator of the universe and that we are not the result of chance."
This is in addition to a recent Vatican conference on ETs. Funes went on to state that if extraterrestrials did in fact exist, they had better not be homosexual, or practice abortion. "Every life God has created is sacred," said Funes, "even alien fetuses, or whatever it is they may have. And if the aliens commit homosexual acts, they're doomed to Hell unless they repent to the Earth's Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
Funes added that the aliens would be subject to all of God's laws, and if they used birth control, masturbated, ate shellfish, worshipped false idols and committed other random acts that the Church have deemed sinful, they were pretty much screwed.
"Basically, it's fine to believe in aliens," said Funes. "But you better believe that they are a bunch of sinners."
Asked for comment, John McCain supporter Rev. John Hagee announced that he was withdrawing his recent apology to the Catholic Church and said it was no longer debatable that Catholicism was a cult and that Catholic League President William Donohue was a "huge douche."
Reacting to the news from the Vatican, a White House source said President George W. Bush was already working on a new, $450-billion project to surround the planet with a border fence, complete with armed guards and video surveillance in order to avoid an influx of aliens coming to the U.S.
"The President believes that all aliens currently residing in the United States should receive blanket amnesty." Still, the source added that the nation would have to be on guard against an influx of extraterrestrials relocating to the U.S., thus further weakening Social Security and Medicaid. "We think this is a wise investment in the future, and feel that people finally will start to take the Star Wars Defense System more seriously now."
--WKW