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(From The Desperate Blogger)

Conservative media and politicians harshly criticized President Obama today for pardoning Courage, a 45 lb turkey who they claim has expressed no remorse for his crimes.

The uproar began after Courage appeared for the taping of an exclusive interview with Fox News’ increasingly irrelevant host Sean Hannity.  Hannity, believed to be the only major media figure claiming to be a fluent speaker of American Fowl, was continually frustrated by what he described as "the succulent gobbler’s refusal to answer" even the most basic questions.  "He just mocked me by making birdlike noises," Hannity said, "I wouldn’t trust this turkey as far as I could throw him and all the trimmings."

In what conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh described "one of the most nauseatingly whiny-liberal moments I have ever witnessed," the President, flanked by his two daughters, pardoned the North Carolina fugitive during a traditional pre-holiday White House ceremony.  "I predict that this will be remembered as Obama’s Willie Horton moment," the porcine pill-popper continued, "and if it’s true that he’s being sent to  Disneyland, then all I can say is that Mickey would be well advised to lock Minnie up in Cinderella’s Castle until this criminal has either moved on or become re-incarcerated."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney warned children at a petting zoo that, "The President acting as an apologist for one of our most sacred national holidays sends a message of weakness that will only embolden our enemies and threatens the safety and security of every American."

House Minority Leader John Boehner, who reportedly cut short a holiday tanning session in a last-ditch attempt to delay the pardon, criticized the President for what he sees as acting in haste.  "Just like the stimulus, just like the budget, just like healthcare, this is another example of the President harming the country by not allowing sufficient deliberation.  I expressed to the White House my willingness — in fact, my desire — to delay debate on health care reform and a possible jobs bill so that Congress could spend the rest of the year conducting hearings on this turkey issue.  Let the President bear full responsibility for any consequences for his premature decision regarding this beast."

TV and radio ‘teabag partier’ Glenn Beck described the ceremony as a "shallow, transparent political ploy," claiming that, "Obama specifically singled out a pure white Southern turkey for pardon in a vain attempt to conceal his deep-seeded hatred of white people."

In a related story, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin denied reports that she planned to "go rogue" in her protest of Courage’s pardon, insisting that she had finalized plans weeks ago for a Black Friday helicopter tour of Disneyland....


Originally posted to real satire on Wed Nov 25, 2009 at 10:41 AM PST.

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