...except to sing for a rock and roll band?
Maybe it's the 2.6 lbs. of metal, velcro, and felt which encase my right leg, from bottom of knee to toes. The immobility and discomfort combined have robbed me of the ability to participate in my favorite pastimes, and I'm forced to sit and think too much.
Maybe it's my financial situation, or lack thereof - a pay cut at work, the medical expenses my insurance won't pay for, and some other unpleasantries - at this particular time of year.
But I have been fighting hard against feelings of futility.
As (I believe) a fairly typical divorced mom, my resources and free time are limited. Long ago, I chose to spend money on the healthiest, safest food I could afford; this is a practical thing for me to, and makes me feel like I am making a stand. Funds for healthy groceries are made possible by the fact that I cruelly deprive my children of Nintendo, Wii, Playstation, X Box, and anything else of that nature. (They have pretty much free run of the internet, don't they? So much so that the only time I can get on, for any length of time, is early in the morning, or when they're at their dad's house!)
Before I broke my ankle, I walked in preference to driving as much as possible. I can't always demand that the kids follow my example, though, particularly my son, a "low brass" musician - trombone, bass trombone, euphonium, tuba. It's easy enough for me to chuck my flute into my backpack and amble off; my daughter's viola case comes with shoulder straps; the tuba alone requires a couple of people just to wrangle into and out of the car, however. What usually happens is that the horns are driven to school Monday morning, and return home Friday afternoon. I take every opportunity to walk, or rather I intend to resume taking every opportunity after I'm healed.
But is any of that enough?
My beloved job as a special ed paraeducator, in an elementary school, is an important way for me to Contribute (that's a serious word for me). About half the kids I work with are English language learners, to boot. It is an honor for me to be able to watch them learn and grow. So often I feel that I "owe" The Universe for my own children - there is nothing wrong with either of them, physically or mentally - well, this is a way for me to act my gratitude.
But is that enough, either?
Besides Daily Kos, I regularly visit the AARP website to read the journals and occasionally to write my own. I have found this invaluable for keeping aware of the perspective of others, Boulder being such a notoriously "liberal" place. I can read about what actual humans think and believe, from their own keyboards, without having to sully my TV set by watching Faux News (which is only going to tell me what Faux News wants people to think and believe, anyway).
There is a lot of hate, fear, and despair out there. For every "left" journal I read, there are three or four "right" journals, spewing out vitriol at President Obama (why does the spell checker not recognize "Obama"?), Senator Reid, and/or Representative Pelosi; the usual suspects from MSNBC; and anyone else seen to be a threat to the "I Got Mine" way of "life."
Now, I have lately been intellectually and emotionally obsessed by the following quote from John Donne:
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.
Complete Meditation XVII, John Donne
The more I process these words, the more I realize that this applies not just to those with whom I agree, or sympathize. It applies to every human being who was, who is, and who is to come. Everyone is included, absolutely everyone. Even Dick Cheney.
With this knowledge, with this awareness of my own guilt by association, what can I do to push back? My own efforts to "make good," however feeble they may seem to an onlooker, can counteract or balance or heal the fear and the wickedness. I have to have faith that my pebbles, tossed into the pond, send out ripples.
For example, it makes me snicker to think that there are tiny, me-influenced portions of Cheney, Palin, Rove, et al., which listen to The Who on their Discmans too loud, cry all the way through "Der Rosenkavalier," and wonder guiltily how disappointed Charles Dickens would be if he could bear witness to 2009.
Getting involved in next year's midterms is on the agenda. I ought to be fully mobile by then! Again, Boulder is liberal, and I have no doubt my fellow citizens will do the "left" thing. There will surely be some way for me to contribute, as 2010 will be a referendum on how well President Obama has/hasn't done.
But it seems to me that the most important thing I can do is to work hard to bring out the best in other people. I can listen - ask questions - look everyone in the eyes - give my help when it's needed - celebrate and jubilate others - find common ground - in short, I can spread respect and courtesy wherever I go. If I can pleasantly surprise someone by not calling them names or insulting their intelligence, they are much more likely to listen to me in a thoughtful way, and subsequently open up their hearts and minds to what I have to say.
This is all very "Boulder Hippie" of me, and I sometimes wonder if I'm not attempting to re-live the 1960s (in which, being born in 1958, I was too young to participate). But until my "boot" comes off and/or my finances improve, what the hell else is there? I already buy the correct light bulbs!