BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus found dead; Christmas canceled
Climate change causes ice to melt under North Pole home
December 24, 2010: The frozen body of one Mr. Santa Claus, age 1,739, of 1 North Pole, AKA Saint Nicholas/"St. Nick", Kris Kringle, "Father Christmas" was chisled out of the ice this morning where his home and workshop sank. Time of death is estimated at September 22 about 5:00 PM, mere hours before the Autumnal Equinox would have ended the North Pole's 6 months of continuous daylight. Investigators claim that the heat of the constant sunlight through the earth's depleted ozone layer, trapped by greenhouse gasses, melted a 2 kilometer hole in the ice, killing everyone on the estate. The 3 months of continuous night that followed allowed the water to freeze, forcing forensics teams to use pickaxes to recover the bodies. Fortunately, according to the Coroner, no one drowned as they all froze to death first.
Also discovered under the ice were: Mrs. Claus, age believed to be 160, maiden name reportedly Mary Christmas; 9 caribou identified as Blixem, Comet, Cubit, Dancer, Dasher, Donder, Prancer, the sadly deformed Rudolph, and Vixen; and an unspecified number of unidentified midgets with deformed ears.
A member of Mr. Claus' PR firm, speaking on condition of anonymity, informed our Northern News desk that there are no known next of kin and therefore celebration of the holiday will be discontinued.
A JOYOUS KWANZAA EVERYONE!!
THIS JUST IN: The Easter Bunny, AKA Peter Cottontail, was shot dead today while hopping down the Bunny Trail. Being sought for questioning but not named as suspects are two former government officials who happened to be vacationing in the area: a former U.S. Vice President and a former Governor of Alaska.