In the latest incident of attempted terrorism on an international air flight, a passenger on Delta Flight 1013 from Lisbon to New York yesterday managed to assault the aircraft's pilot with his fists, as the pilot was greeting passengers in the main cabin. Leaping from his seat, the suspiciously dark-skinned, bearded male threw an uppercut and two haymakers into the shocked captain's face before two alert fellow seatmates, a 70-year-old woman and an 8-year-old child, managed to wrestle the attacker to the floor. The pilot was able to return to the cockpit and land the plane safely, despite a black eye and chipped tooth.
In response to this surprise new tactic by an apparent would-be terrorist, the Federal Aviation Administration today issued new regulations, requiring that all air passengers must have their hands amputated before boarding domestic or international in-bound flights.
The new rules will take effect within the next two weeks, as soon as the Transport Safety Administration can recruit a sufficient number of surgical interns to be stationed at the nation's airports to conduct the mandatory amputations. The plan, according to FAA spokeswoman Carla LaCosta, will be to sever passenger limbs after check-in and the traditional metal detectors, so as to reduce any difficulties with passengers placing their carry-on luggage on conveyor belts. The disconnected hands will be placed in special transport bags in a secure compartment of the plane, to avoid any chance that unruly passengers might seek to reconnect them during the flight, and launch another fisticuff assault.
"We're concerned first and foremost with passenger safety," said Ms. LaCosta. "It has long been established that a closed human fist can be used as a deadly weapon, but until this latest attack, it did not occur to us that it might be deployed on an aircraft. Now, we must take reasonable precautions to prevent any tragedy from occurring."
Regarding the potential inconvenience to passengers of having to travel hand-free, several airlines have announced that they will begin serving liquid-only meals with straws. Since passengers have already been forbidden to leave their seats due to previous heightened security measures, there should be no extra problems of needing hands to, for example, retrieve books or laptops from carry-on luggage. As for lavatory use -- which is also now forbidden on most flights -- some airlines have begun providing complimentary adult diapers, although others have indicated that these should remain the passengers' responsibility.
"We wish our customers to understand that we do not undertake these new measures lightly," said Delta Vice President Harvey Bowers, Jr. "We will do everything in our power to make the transition smooth and convenient. For example, we've already begun to investigate installing sophisticated fingerprint reading equipment at major airports, to ensure that there are no mixups when returning customers' hands to them."
As for the process of re-attaching hands upon arrival, there remains disagreement as to the responsibility for this procedure. Some airlines are prepared to offer the surgical reconnection to their First and Business Class passengers, for an extra charge, but for the most part Economy Class flyers will have to seek out their own surgeons. The FAA does envision a booming cottage industry in airport-based medical facilities, just as many airports have on-call dentists, and the AMA has supported the new policy on that basis.
Ms. LaCosta, the FAA spokesperson, was asked about the possibility of instituting even stricter security measures, given the prospect that, for example, terrorists might use their feet to kick pilots or crew, their teeth to bite them, or their eyes to stare at them in an intimidating fashion. "We'll cross those bridges when we come to them," said Ms. Costa. "So far, no one has thought of those ideas, thank God."
In a related story, the International Aviation Alliance updated its annual forecast for world travel in 2010, and is predicting a 99.78% decrease in U.S. air traffic.