Greetings unassuming denizens of DailyKos. You might not realize this from my user ID in the low four hundred thousands, but I've been living among you as a regular user for several years now. I've posted diaries that were loved, hated, and completely ignored. I am gifted with the ability to come up with a one-liner non-sequiter that's sneaky enough to change the topic but hi-larious enough that you don't dare hide-rate me for thread-jacking. We share warm pleasantries, I am Facebook friends with many of you, and I house-sat for one of you in Rochester in August.
Frankly, many of us have had sex.
But you have no idea who it is whose delightful humor I'm describing, who watched your house, and who you had sex with. Because I am protected by the veil of secrecy that is this shiny new user ID. I am protected by "DolphinAnus2012."
This isn't so much a "Good Bye Cruel World" as a "HA HA HA I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL."
You see, I've been looking for a change. I'm known for being something of a wallflower. A lurker. Someone who likes to keep a low profile and not make waves. A generous lover.
And I don't want to see that reputation damaged. I want to participate in some real revolutionary stuff around here. I want to be a huge(r) weenie. And that's where DolphinAnus2012 comes in.
I know what you're asking. You're asking, "What could have driven him (OR HER, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HAHAHAHHAHA) to this? If he truly is all that he described, why would he suddenly feel the need to be anonymous.
Well I'll tell you straight up: Nirvana sucked.
THERE. I SAID IT. Go ahead and troll-rate me into oblivion, I know that's what you do here. That's why DolphinAnus2012 exists... so I can tell it like it is, like a regular "Tell it Like it Is Guy" (or GIRL. DO I HAVE A UTERUS? NOBODY HERE KNOWS BUT ME!)
Let's call Nevermind what it was: Bad teen angst poetry set to mediocre rock music.
I bet you'd like to know who I really am, so you can go punish me for being a beacon of truth on all things musical. The truth hurts. The truth scars. The truth wounds and mars any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.... the truth is like a cloud: Holds a lot of rain. The truth hurts.
You may be thinking I just stole a bad lyric from "Love Hurts" by the Everly Brothers. Or was it Nirvana? Admit it: They both suck. And the fact that Kurt Cobain made it 10-12 pages further than Phil and Don in Fretboard Roadmaps doesn't mean he sucked less.
Oh I can feel your seething anger as you read my words and know that I am the oracle of accuracy on this matter. But I am unafraid. I am impervious to your retribution because I am DolphinAnus2012 -- and who among you can claim to know me?
There are those who will say that sheilding my identity in this way makes me a coward. There are those who will say it erases any shred of credibility I'm pretending to have. There are those who will say that based on the style of this diary alone, the only thing bigger than my vast reservoir of musical knowledge is my ego.
To those people I say... I say I'll get back to you. And then only if I feel like it.
You'd probably like to go harass my alter ego about these things, but you cannot, because my relationship to that wise statesman is as unknown a quality to you as an unpredictable bass line is to Krist Novoselic.
When I think of how clever I am, it makes me pity you.
So writhe in your anguish. Despair in the knowledge that I will CONTINUE to speak the truth on this--the most pressing issue of our day--and all of your bitter retorts will mean nothing to the reputation I have earned as an orator, great thinker, and freewheeling sex machine.
UPDATE:
Goddamn cookies.
UPDATE 2:
Your registration is processing, what the fuck does that even mean??
UPDATE 3:
OK I'm pretty sure it says posted by DolphinAnus2012 now. Despair... DESPAIR FOR IN YOUR IGNORANCE YOU ARE DOOMED TO FOREVER WONDER AT MY TRUE FORM!
UPDATE 4:
This is bullshit. How can it say one name then another name.
UPDATE 5:
This is DolphinAnus2012 checking in. I just wanted to say that SO GREAT is my mastery of this place and its technology, that it might not even APPEAR to you that I (DolphinAnus2012) wrote this diary. But I did... and I'm concealing it from you now for my own purposes. In fact... when you DO see my secret name, It won't even be DolphinAnus2012 either... NOR will it be this guy from Michigan who is JUST A PATSY IN ALL THIS AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
And you'll despair as much as you were about to because I say to you SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT, MORE LIKE SMELLS LIKE SHIT! I BET NOBODY EVER SAID THAT BEFORE!